Alan Smithee

Why Australia Sucks at Mortal Kombat

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Most of us already know about the ‘land down under’ and their retarded government ratings board who keep AAA titled games out of their country because the figure they’re too violent, but what we didn’t know is that they don’t give a shit about spoiling games for the rest of us!

Yup, the government who wants to be your dad in Australia has decided unilaterally to NOT publish Mortal Kombat’s newest volume in their country. Big surprise I know, but in the report for the game they revealed two more playable characters AND that the single player experience is set to last approximately 15 hours (I’m guessing playing through with each character).

The board ultimately decided to ban the game due to some of the more gruesome fatalities that you can perform…and they were nice enough to let us know ‘explicitly’ how they all went down.

Kung Lao throws his metal hat into the ground and it spins like a buzz saw. He grabs his prone opponent by the ankles and drags their body through the saw, explicitly slicing them vertically in half. Copious bloodspray is noted. Kung Lao holds up both halves of the corpse as blood pours out.

Jade explicitly kicks an opponent into the air and plants her fighting stick into the ground. The opponent falls backwards onto the stick and is explicitly impaled, with the stick protruding from their chest. Jade then explicitly tears her opponent’s head off, with bloodspray noted, and explicitly plants it on the stick.

Stryker tasers his opponent and then explicitly shoots their head off with his gun. Blood and gore is noted.

Quan Chi explicitly rips his opponent’s leg off, accompanied by copious bloodspray. As they lie on the ground, he explicitly beats them with the severed leg for a prolonged period of time.

Scorpion explicitly slashes an opponent horizontally in two at the waist, with blood and wound detail noted. He then explicitly decapitates them and kicks their body over. As the severed head falls through the air, he explicitly slices it vertically in two.

Mileena throws two blades at an opponent, which explicitly lodge in their chest. She slowly approaches and explicitly rips their head off, causing their severed neck to spray blood as their body topples. She then explicitly bits into the severed head before throwing it to the ground.

Kabal uses long hooks to explicitly pull out an opponent’s intestines before explicitly impaling the opponent on two spikes.

Shao Kahn uses his hands to explicitly rip an opponent’s body vertically in two.

Baraka explicitly lodges a blade (attached to his wrist) in an opponent’s stomach and hoists them above his head. He spins them round and explicitly decapitates and dismembers them, accompanied by copious bloodspray.

Kitana uses her ‘folding fan’ weapon to explicitly dismember then decapitate her opponent, with copious blood flow noted.

I was sold on this game after seeing it in action at the last PAX in Seattle, and I’m once again glad to live in the good ol’ US of A where we’re allowed to play Mortal Kombat (for the time being at least). Anyone want to help bootleg games into Australia with me? The game launches April 19th here in the west, and on the 21st for the EU people.


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