Alan Smithee

The Day Before Xmas (or Happy Un-Festivus)

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This is always the worst day of the year for me. Even as a child, I hated December 24th with a passion that would rival pirate vs. ninja. There’s no logical explanation for it, I just hate the fact that by this time of the month, there have been things sitting under the Xmas tree just waiting for me to open them.

Xmas is one of those holidays that drives me insane, first off we’re supposed to be celebrating the birth of the world’s savior (according to the Christians), while at the same time lying to our children and condoning idol worship in the form of Santa Claus. We do all of this in the name of rampant consumerism, which I personally don’t see as a bad thing…I happen to love getting presents. I just hope that one day we can call this faux religious/pagan holiday what it really is “spend money on others day”.

There’s this strange duality of being that comes out in me at this time of year that just makes me question my own humanity. I try to give to charity when I possibly can, but I’m also a selfish bastard; I love getting presents, yet I moan when I have to buy them for other people; I enjoy the thrill of opening the unknown presents under the tree, but I almost always attempt to spoil the surprise by shaking and squeezing the package or by using logic to deduce what it could possibly be from the giver.

Whether you be a Jew, Muslim, Hindu, Shinto, Buddhist, Christian, or an Atheist like me, MediaWhoreNetwork would like to wish you all a Happy Holidays…now do me proud and go have a few eggnogs, get drunk, then ruin the holiday for everyone around you because Crom knows that you only get a few chances during the year to do so.

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