Ryan Thomason

The Adventures of Eric and Goosh: It’s SCIENCE!

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Eric and Goosh into September? Pinch me I’m still on top of this.

Eric and Goosh are wearing white lab coats, they are both also wearing glasses that are pulled slightly down toward the end of their noses. They are looking over graphs and charts that are on clipboards, mumbling to each other. The whole scene is a very 1950’s laboratory setup, with beakers and flames licking over them, liquids bubbling for no good reason. Everything is in black and white, as if on an old movie reel, there are slight blips during the opening scene, but the tape seems to have adjusted fine.

Eric looks at you directly. “Oh! Hi there, welcome to the Eric and Goosh research facility!”

“We’re performing SCIENCE! So that the world may be a better place.” Goosh says to you also, as he slowly turns his head away from his clipboard.

“Why did you shout the word science?” Eric asked, irritated.

“You always have to say it like SCIENCE! When it’s something important, it’s SCIENCE! Duh.” Goosh said straightforwardly to Eric.

Eric turns back to you, “Sorry. To carry on, we are here to demonstrate to you what we have found in our research so that we can get more government grants and private funding. Our research is called….”

Words slowly crawl up the screen, they are first far away, and slowly become bigger until they are easily readable. ‘The Jiggle Factor”

Eric returns to the screen, and looks at you again. “What we are doing here is calculating the jiggle and bounce ratio that would render terrorist and/or any foreign enemy that may take up arms against the United States.”

“We are finding out how boobs can make dudes stop fighting is what he’s trying to get at. SCIENCE! And saving the country.”

Eric rolls his hand through his hair as he chuckles slightly, “Ah, heh ah, yeah, I guess that’s it in a nutshell…roll the footage, earlier than expected.” Eric raises his clipboard and is about to strike Goosh when footage starts to roll for you to see instead.

It shows terrorist in Afghanistan fighting American and NATO forces, the battle is intense, until a woman runs out into the battlefield, with serious cleavage, she jumps up and down at precise intervals and movements. The terrorist throw down their guns and rise up their hands in surrender. “What have we been doing?! I love America! Yay!” The terrorist all start to shout. Just then, the footage stops, you see Eric and Goosh engaging in a clipboard battle. When they realize you are watching them again, they immediately stop.

“We take SCIENCE! And this research seriously!” Goosh says to you, with a straight face.”

“Yes!” Eric smiles, as he leads the camera through the laboratory, scientist, men and women both, are standing before various sets of fake and real breasts, some on real people, some are on mannequins. All the scientists have very serious looks on their faces as they take notes after making measurements while the subjects are jumping and dancing in certain ways. “All our scientists are highly skilled, and highly accredited, one even has an Associates Degree!”

Eric pulls a woman aside by the shoulder, she has shoulder length brown hair, and a white lab coat on over a skirt and high heels. She turns and smiles at the camera slyly. “I love my job!”

“Girls that love this job, its SCIENCE!” Goosh exclaimed, one finger in the air as he twirled a pen.

“But, we can’t help save the world without your contribution, please, will you help keep these fine men and women employed? You don’t want the terrorist to win do you? DO YOU?” Eric says into the camera the look of deep seriousness on his face. “For every Jiggle Factor that we calculate, that’s hundreds of less terrorist fighting, and every dollar counts!”

“Nobody has filed sexual harassment suits against us…yet!” Goosh added. “It’s for SCIENCE! And to fight Terrorism! There is nothing wrong with that!”

Eric looks back at you, the camera. “He’s right, Donate now, and we’ll give you a free on site tour! You’ll be helping save the WORLD!…..And, sorry no, we’re not taking applications for employment, we already have a few hundred thousand applicants to sort through.. Thanks for watching, and don’t miss out on this opportunity to help further science.”

“SCIENCE!” Goosh shouted as he nudged Eric.

Eric sighs, before giving in, he puts on a huge fake smile and gives a thumbs up. “For SCIENCE!” He seconds with Goosh.

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