Ryan Thomason

The Adventures of Eric and Goosh: All the roid these days

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The last Eric and Goosh of August, does it go with a bang or a limp penis?

Eric is sitting on his couch, playing on his Xbox in silent contemplation, internally, his brain is turning gears in overtime, he’s calculating every foes move and racking up the kills. He only hears the pre-puberty screams of young male tweens as their avatars are demolished, either sniped with a scope, or stabbed by the blade. Eric relishes in those screams and asks them to have their mommies bring them some milk to nurse from the breasts, as these children are no match for a man. A real man, who sits on his couch late at night until the wee hours of the morning playing video games and then masturbates to porn before going to his cold, empty bed, that sort of man.

His midnight path of destruction is distracted by Goosh, who comes walking into the room, wearing a cut off t-shirt.

Eric hadn’t seen him for more than a month, and when his eyes lift from the TV set to flicker at Goosh, he is appalled. Goosh had probably put on some seventy five pounds of muscle on his already bulky frame, he looked like a grotesque abomination of over saturated muscle that bulged and stiffened at every movement.

“Like it huh? I’m friggin RIPPED! YARAHH!” Goosh flexes.

“OVER HEAD BICEP!” He curls his hands over his head and reveals biceps nearly as big as his head.

“Back pose thing!” He continues, and rips off his shirt, revealing a deeply muscular shoulder and back.

“Don’t make me show you this ASS that I have now, you can pounce a quarter, no, BRICK of this shit!” Goosh tries his best to make his butt jiggle.

Eric can only shake his head slowly. “What….what the fuck is wrong with you? Have you been in the gym the last month? How have you been alive?”

“Dude, I ate rats at the gym, gym rats! HA! I’m funny, and this dude, like totally gave me some awesome stuff, and I kicked. That. Gyms. ASS!” Goosh busts a table with his fists. “I’m like the Hulk! I get angry and like, kick butt! This stuff is awesome!”

“You’re taking steroids?” Eric asks.

“Is that what it is? I thought it was Hulk pills, but it doesn’t matter, I’m ripped! And I get angry and beat stuff up!” Goosh says through a deep smile.
“And your penis is going to shrink until it becomes inverted, like a vagina.” Eric added.

“But, I’ll kick everyone’s ass if they talk smack! I’m ripped!” Goosh countered.

“Your penis, and your balls, will become ramen noodle and raisins.” Eric pushed.

“Hulk Pills! SMASH!” Goosh continued tearing apart the table in a small flare up in rage.

“Penis turned to Vagina.” Eric tried to remind him.

“I’m a sculpted god! My arms are bigger than your torso! My legs are bigger than your moms’ big wide butt! No offense dude.” Goosh said.

Eric shook his head. “None taken, though, your penis is going to make my dead grandpas look like a living male porn stars soon.”

“Are you being serious?” Goosh asked.

“Fully, and girls will laugh at it, unlike before, where they merely accepted it for what it was.” Eric deadpanned at Goosh.

“Can I reverse it?” Goosh trembled.

Eric shook his head. “No. You’ve done the damage already, sorry, you’re about to become childless and noodle less.”

“DRUGS ARE BAD!” Goosh cried

Eric turns to you and points, “And that boys, is why you should never do steroids, your penis will shrink. That is all you need to know.”

“And knowing is half the battle!” Goosh smiled as he stuck up a thumb.

“Fuck the new GI Joe movie also.” Eric had to add.

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