Movie Time: Hitman and Michael Clayton Reviews

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So guess what I did this past weekend?? Go to a strip club? Get a bunch of friends and take a bottle of whiskey and a pound of marijuana to the lake and go skinny dipping? Cover myself in peanut butter and let a dog lick it off of me? Actually that last one sound like fun, but no, I did none of those things.

Instead I sat alone in my house – my roommates were all gone for the weekend – and drank too much whiskey and watched movies. Two of those movies I’m here today to tell you what I thought about them. The first is a video game adaptation and the second is….well I’m not sure what the second one is.

Directed by: Xavier Gens (Nothing worth saying)
Written by: Skip Woods (Swordfish)
Starring: Timothy Olyphant (Gone in 60 Seconds), Olga Kurylenko, Dougray Scott (Mission Impossible II)

So yeah, I watched Hitman and you know what, I was pleasantly surprised by how much it actually DIDN’T suck. Now that’s not to say that there were some parts that were just stupid, but compared to most video game movies(anything by Uwe Boll for example) this was a decent action film.

Agent 47, a hired-assassin that works for someone called ‘The Organization’ is played by Timothy Olyphant (everytime I see his name I can only think of the Oliphants of Tolkien) who is probably best known for his side-kick-cop role in Gone in 60 Seconds and as Thomas Gabriel in Live Free or Die Hard. Dougray Scott, who I have always been a fan of, plays Interpol Inspector Mike Whittier who has been trying to track down Agent 47 for several years now. The last of the big three is Olga Kurylenko who has literally been in no movies that you have ever heard of, but she does have some ncie tits.

The story is a basic setup and frame story. Agent 47 is hired to kill the russian president, Mikhail Belicoff. 47 of course does this but then later sees Mikhail on tv, unharmed besides a small bandage on his ear. Something fishy is going on and he sets off to discover what it is and so becomes ensnared in a political conspiracy and picks up a reluctant ally in Nikia (Olga). Now 47 has to deal with clearing his name (kind of an oxy-moron when your name is a number) as well as the conflicting emotions that Nikia has stirred within him.

That’s the plot in a nutshell and it’s really nothing too confusing. Olyphant does an adequate job as 47 but it’s weird to watch scenes with him and Olga because sometimes their lips don’t look like they match the words, as if it’s in russian and it has been dubbed over. Weird, I know.

All in all it’s a good action film that doesn’t do anything new for the genre, but it at least shows that films based upon video games don’t need a world-killing virus or a hot heroine….scratch that. VG films don’t need world-killing viruses to be a respectable film.

And now on to my second review.

Directed by: Tony Gilroy (The Bourne movies)
Written by: Tony Gilroy (The Bourne movies)
Starring: Tom Wilkinson (Batman Begins, The Patriot), Michael O’Keefe (lots of tv shows), Sydney Pollack, Tilda Swenton (Chronicles of Narnia, Constantine, Vanilla Sky), George Clooney (Ocean’s Eleven & 12 & 13, The Perfect Storm, O Brothere, Where Art Thou, ER, Batman & Robin)

Ok, so I had heard good things about this film from a few people. I knew it was a legal drama and involved George Clooney as a fixer. So I thought, ‘Sounds interesting, let’s check it out.’ Well here’s my summary of this film.

For two hours I sat there and asked, “What the fuck is going on?!?” Seriously, connecting the scenes was so hard sometimes because the dialogue between the characters was very vague. Here’s a hint Mr. Director, when a movie-goer has to do research on your film AFTER watching it to find out what the fuck was going on, you need to think about working on your dialogue a little bit.

What I discovered in my research was that U-North, a giant agriculture conglomerate, had knowingly created some chemicals for plants that was a danger to people and ended up giving many farmers cancer. Now there is a giant class-action lawsuit againt them and the firm that Clayton (Clooney) works for is defending them. Arthur Edens (Wilkinson) is the lead litigator on the case and is a legend amongst lawyers but for some reason he cracks in the middle of a deposition and strips naked and chases a client down the street. Clayton is sent to fix the mess and bring Arthur back. What follows is a cat and mouse game of legal…..

If you aren’t asleep yet you should be. I almost fell asleep writing that paragraph. God what a boring movie. There were no tense moments, no big reveals. Most saavy movie watchers saw the entire plot like I did within 15 minutes of the film. There was barely any music in the background and on some films this works, but that usually means there is something interesting happening on the screen which, in this case, there wasn’t so the lack of background music or sound made the film even duller.

Clooney does a decent job, Swinton was creepy as hell but the star of the film was definitely Wilkinson. His portrayal of madness and a manic depressive is something worthy of a few claps at least. About the only thing in the movie that is.

Maybe if you are into the courtroom/legal dramas that John Grisham seems to be able to shit out, you will like this. I usually do like legal drama movies, but this one had me literally begging the movie to just END.

I can’t even recommend this movie to people who likes legal dramas. Just don’t waste your money. That’s my best advice. Go buy an ice cream sundae and you will have spent your money on a much more pleasurable item than this film.

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