Alan Smithee

Men Can Read Lists, Not Minds

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I’m a married man, a very happily married man. I have to hammer this in here, I love my wife and wouldn’t wish a life any different than the one I have right now (except for my additional +100 lbs of fat and Middle Class job). If there is one thing that drives me up a wall each and every time it happens, is when I am expected to be empathetic enough to know when something is wrong and what is wrong.

I don’t know what it is, but women and men are wired completely different in the head. I can’t speak for an entire gender or speak against the same, but in my short life on this planet I’ve noticed that there is a stereotype, or should I say a “trend” in both genders’ behavior.

I, as a man, work best when I have set goals and am set out to accomplish those goals. When I go grocery shopping, I have a list. When I have chores that need to be done, they get done if I have the ‘honey-do’ list. I just work better when things are explicit, not implied.

I’ve heard that this behavior comes mainly from the hunter aspect we’ve been working to shed since our species decided that being a biped was smarter. If we men have goals, we have the abilities hardwired in us to get it done. We need X, we hunt X, we kill X, we bring X back to the cave then celebrate for being men…

Women, in general aren’t too different except that they internalize much of what us men express. For an example, if men get angry at each other we usually state it, fight about it, then get the fuck over it. The women I’ve known though, don’t EVER let the other party that wronged them know that they did wrong until its much later and the emotions have festered.

Guys, how many of you asked your girlfriend/wife (who is visibly and emotionally distressed) “What’s wrong?” only to get the response that every man hates…”Nothing.” There is absolutely nothing we as men can do to unlock Pandora’s box, it doesn’t matter how much poking and prodding you do to get the information, it’s not coming out until they’re good and ready to fight with you. By that time, you’ve of course moved and can barely remember the initial offense.

I just don’t understand why women put up with the frustration that comes from us not being able to read minds, we can’t do it. I’d even wager that most men aren’t empathetic enough to know exactly what is the matter. We might know something is up, but there’s just nothing we can do to find out. All I know is that I have 2 reasons that I am glad to be born a man, peeing while standing up, and no overly complex internal dialogue that makes me assess everyone’s emotional state and body language. I don’t know about you guys, but I love walking into a room and being completely oblivious to the other people, they’re just background noise.

Bottom line: Tell us when you want something or if we’ve offended you, we can’t read your fucking minds!


For further examples of the internal monologue women wrestle with on a daily basis, check out: this strip and this strip from Questionable Content.

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