Evan Burkey

Manly Meal: The Aporkalypse

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2 venerable rogues and one fine gentleman enter Jeff and Evan’s apartment and consume all their pork.

So, Jeff and I were going to make a manly but healthy and well-rounded meal for my Manly Meal, but unfortunately we ran into some trouble. As we were beginning to prepare our dishes, a mustachioed gentleman broke into our apartment. He proceeded to call on two henchman, a ninja and a man referred to as The Masked Marshal. These rogues proceeded to beat the tar out of us and demand we cook them a feast worthy of Crom, so we did. Contained below is our unholy creation: The Aporkalypse

3 Chicken Breasts
4 Small Strip Steaks
3 lbs of Bacon, Thick Cut
1 box of Idahoan Instant Mashed Potatoes
1 container of Todd’s Dirt Seasoning
1 bag Shredded Colby Jack Cheese
Salt and Pepper
1 Hershey Chocolate Bar
1 phone for heart-related 911 calls

Set your oven to 400 degrees. Cut chicken breasts into 3 pieces each, place on baking pan. Wrap each piece of chicken in 1 bacon strip, use 2 if the piece is large. It should take about 1 lb of bacon to cover all the chicken.

The Ninja and The Masked Marshall were both very excited at this point, and took pictures commemorating the crimes against humanity we were committing:

The oven should be heated up by now, place the chicken/bacon abominations in the oven and set your timer for 50 minutes. Panfry the 4 small steaks on medium heat, after seasoning with Todd’s Dirt, salt, and pepper. Begin cooking the bacon in a large pan on medium to high heat, being careful not to scar your arm with grease burns.

Cook 1 pound of bacon crispy, and crush into small bits. The Masked Marshal felt it necessary to threaten us with his gun, hence the menacing piece next to said crushed bacon.

As you are cooking the bacon, get a large pan and make the Idahoan instant mashed potatoes according to the recipe on the box. I would have used real potatoes, but the Ninja slapped me and pointed towards the box. Once the bacon and potatoes are finished, mix the two in unholy matrimony. As you can see here, I was able to get some of my sentiment towards the aberration across.

Begin to cook the third pound of bacon, but cook for a shorter time to make the bacon less crispy. Once the steaks are done, place them on a plate and wrap in softly cooked bacon.

At this point, Jeff and I figured our blasphemous work finished, but the gentleman would have nothing to hear of it. He beckoned us to create yet another horror, and we obliged: Take a piece of uncooked bacon and split into half, and then one half into quarters. Take the two quarters and layer them into a cupcake pan.

Take a scoop of potato/bacon mixture, and place it into the bacon cup. Top with Colby Jack cheese and place in the oven at 350 degrees for 25-30 minutes. When finished, it should look something like this:

For desert, take a Hershey Chocolate bar and break it into quarter pieces. Then take the pieces and, unfortunately, wrap those in bacon too.

Until this point, the ringleader aka The Gentleman did not want to be photographed. However, at this point he and the Masked Marshall were so enthralled with our abomination that they didn’t even notice me take pictures as evidence. The Ninja was nowhere to be found…

Hopefully these pictures will lead these outlaws to justice. The atrocities committed upon our kitchen will not soon be forgotten, and I can only hope someone out there can help the police in their quest to save us from these mad scientists of the culinary arts. Until then, our hearts remained ruined and our arteries clogged.

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