James Helsby

LRE #41: RoboGeisha

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Little Red Envelope

In my mailbox this week:

Release Year: 2009

Staring: Yoshihiro Nishimura, Naoto Takenaka, Asami, Takumi Saito, Cay Izumi

There is something fantastic about a movie that is intentionally horrible. I mean, I am talking Toxic Avenger horrible. Not quite Troll 2 horrible, but still extra bad. RoboGiesha full-fills in the most hilarious of ways. Ass-swords, butt-throwing-stars, and arm-pit swords included.

Sometimes even I can find it amazing how bad of a movie I can put up with. I have seen some real stinkers. But it’s a pretty rare phenomena for a show to be intentionally horrible, and still somehow work out. I mean, the story in RoboGeisha is pretty much as weak as a wet piece of toilet paper, but that really isn’t the reason why you would sit down to watch it in the first place.

Maybe you would watch it because you have an obsession with geishas. I suppose that’s possible, although that would probably be considered weird in western society, you gotta remember that the film was a Japanese campfest from the start. And has no intention of being a series film.

The story follows two sisters, Yoshie and Kikue. Kikue is a high-class Geisha working in a small entertainment establishment (I don’t think it is a brothel, I think it is just a Geisha parlor.) Kikue is considered one of the best Geisha, but is held back by her hatred of her little sister Yoshie. Kikue is constantly beating up Yoshie, embarrassing and ridiculing her to the point of tears of rage. Yoshie only wants to be loved and thought of as beautiful, one day perhaps being a geisha herself.

When wealthy industrialist Hikaru Kageno stops in at the Geisha house, Yoshie accidentally ruins the encounter between Kikue and Hikaru. But Hikaru is more interested in the power that Yoshie shows. Soon enough, the truth comes out and the Kageno Steel Corporation is revealed to actually be attempting to take over the world with new weapons and super-secret geisha assassins. Yoshie and Kikue are indoctrinated, and forced to do combat against each other. Yoshie can’t believe the truth, when Kikue reveals that she would rather kill Yoshie and be free, than to try to figure out how to get out together.

So Yoshie and Kikue are brought into the inner circle, where electronic modifications to the geishas are performed to turn them into uber-assassins. Including Kikue having her breasts replaced with machine guns. Yoshie having swords implanted in her armpits, hatchets in her heals, and an ass that not only shoots throwing stars, but extends a brutal sword.

The whole story culminates in a battle between the Geisha robot and Yoshie, and the Kageno Steel Corporation, that let’s just say is the most ass-tastic sword fight I have ever seen.

So where to begin with the review? Well, I guess just like I mentioned. This movie is horribly bad, and thats what makes it so awesome. It might not be in that category of ‘so bad it’s good’ but it is ‘so good, because it is meant to be bad.’ Perhaps it is just my twisted sense of humor, but any time that someones face gets burned off by breast-milk-daemon-acid, I can’t help but laugh. And maybe that is why I was laughing so hard during this film, because it just kept delivery one non-sensical thing right after another. I mean, seriously… the buildings…. bleed.

Should you watch this movie? Honestly, if you like this type of movie, it’s one of the best I have seen. It is on par with Machine Girl for being so over the top. Should you watch this if you have a weak stomach? probably not. Should you watch it if you don’t like gore-fests? nope. Should you watch it if you don’t like campy crapfests? nope. But if you know what you like and you like what I wrote, then you should totally check it out. Just make sure you put your kids to bed first.

How painful was it: Oh man. SO MUCH over-the-top goodness!

Rating: 6/10. Only for a select audience, that’s for sure.

The Wife’s Retort: Yeah, right. Like she would watch this with me. She went out for a ‘night on the town’ instead.

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