James Helsby

Little Red Envelope #9: Mystery Science Theater 3000 – Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders

Decrease Font Size Increase Font Size Text Size Print This Page

In my mailbox this week:
Mystery Science Theater 3000 – Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders

Release Year: 1999
Staring: Michael J. Nelson, Bill Corbett, Kevin Murphy, Mary Jo Pehl, Ernest Borgnine

I must have stacked a few of the Mystery Science Theater movies together, because having 2 arrive within a week of each other, is definitely not typical of my queue. But, after having my taste bud sullied by the last flop to have arrived, I was really hoping that the next one would provide redemption. Oh, it did. It most definitely did. Do I need to say anything more, than to quote; “I bid you, to lick me!”… Hilarious.

This was the actual movie poster. It makes no sense. And nothing shown has any significance.

Redemption. Yes, this movie gave it. The background story, Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders, has a truly horrible premise. What if Merlin, you know, the one from the Aurthur legend. Decided to travel through time, and open a boutique shop in some random unnamed town. And what if he brought his lovable tubby wife along with him. Instead of selling things, they would just give away magical items to who ever happened to walk through their door, whether that be a small child who, apparently, doesn’t know any words other than his own name? Or to his mother’s friend, who is desperate to conceive a child and is willing to tell anyone who will listen about her vaginal problems.

Or even the fertility-deprived husband, who with a mere word written of his newspaper-reviewers pen, can close a shop for good? Of course, here have my book a spells, Merlin offers. And hilarity ensues.

The eyes…. the EYES!

The background movie encapsulates 2 stories told by Ernest Borgnine to his grandchild, one night when the power goes off. I believe Borgnine is supposed to be playing himself, since he isn’t referred to as anyone other than Grandpa, and talks about having been in the movie business. One story about a child-deprived couple of wanks. And a second story about some satanic monkey-shines cymbal doll. You know the ones I mean? These….

The second thing to consider, is the commentary. This one makes the mark, and is probably one of the best MST3k’s I have seen. Just to put a couple of quotes out….

  • “I have my own private fertility clinic around back, baby.”
  • “Now, where was I? Talking about my Prostate?”
  • “Oh No! The Cats got a knife too!”
  • “Bernie? You OK down There?”
    “Ehh, I got old and roasted the cat with my Dragon’s Breath, but I’m fine…”
  • And finally… “Killdozer! Oh no, it’s just a vacuum.”

That’s right. I was laughing so hard, that I actually got up, got a pen and paper, and wrote down some of the quips.

If you are going to see a Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode, make this the one. It truly is one of the best.

How much alcohol did it take: None. Nice dry night.
Rating: 8/10. Definitely one of the better MST3k’s. Hilarious commentary. I mean, how can you go wrong with “That’s his problem! He’s going around, dressed like THAT, and asking…. Have you seen my little monkey??”

The Wife’s Retort: This is what your looking for in the MST3K movie. A wacky, creepy, killer monkey infested movie made hilarious by the crew.

Leave us a Comment