Kaitlyn Booth

Fifty More Things To Do Instead Of Seeing Fifty Shades Darker

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Title: Fifty Shades Darker
Director: James Foley
Summary: While Christian wrestles with his inner demons, Anastasia must confront the anger and envy of the women who came before her.

A little under two years ago a movie came along and fundamentally broke Kyle and I. That movie was Fifty Shades of Grey. We could not come up with a good way to express how much we both hated this movie so we decided to come up with a list of fifty things to do instead of seeing Fifty Shades of Grey. When it became apparent that we’d have to sit through another one of these movies we decided to come up with another list with Kaitlyn taking 1-25 and Kyle filling in 26-50. Enjoy.

Fifty Shades Darker

1. Read a phone book
2. Listen to someone else read a phone book
3. Listen to a podcast of someone reading a phone book
4. Find a phone book
5. Clean out your refrigerator
6. Donate to a charity of your choice
7. Trim your nails
8. Wash behind your ears
9. Take up a bad habit
10. Get someone else into your bad habit
11. Plan an intervention for the person you got into your bad habit
12. Write a book better than Fifty Shades Darker
13. Scrap your book that is better than Fifty Shades Darker in a dramatic fashion because you’re a creative person with no talent and full of self doubt.
14. Restart that book better Fifty Shades Darker with renewed determination because if that crap can get published you certainly can.
15. Repeat 12-14 at least half a dozen times.
16. Do some research on proper foreplay and preparation because Fifty Shades Darker certainly didn’t
17. Quietly contemplate the meaning of life
18. Get overwhelmed by the lack of meaning in life and turn back to your bad habit from 9
19. Draw up a list of all the ways Christian Gray and Donald Trump are alike
20. Realize that the list from 19 is way too similar and turn back to your bad habit from 9
21. Find someone who is wrong on the internet
22. Map out the entire family tree of the Summer’s family from Marvel Comics
23. Clean your bathroom because at least you proximity to shit is accomplishing something
24. Do more research on alternative lifestyles because the existence of this movie means no one did enough last time
25. Go see The LEGO Batman Movie

26. Construct and elaborate scaffold to enable you to punch a giraffe in the face.
27. Call your Mother she probably misses you. Naturally not all Mothers feel free to call your Father if you don’t have a mother, of if she doesn’t miss you. If you don’t have either a Mother or a Father you should get off the internet because Commissioner Gordon is waiting for you.
28. Have an honest discussion with your significant other about sexual boundaries and preferences. Honest conversation can strengthen a relationship, and rejuvenate stale interpersonal connections. No matter how long the relationship has been established, there is always something new to learn about each other in the bedroom.
29. Write a screenplay with your significant other about a dangerously unhealthy relationship between two extremely tropeish and underdeveloped caricatures.
30. Write a formal apology to the Giraffe you punched in the face.
31. Read the annotated U.S. Constitution, Declaration of Independence, and the Federalist Papers.
32. Feed a sloth.
33. Acknowledge Valentine’s Day as a legitimate excuse to express affection for your significant other, friends, family and even strangers, rather than as a commercial exercise in consumerism you cynical ass.
34. Locate a woman connected to your life. Remind her that she is an empowered individual that is as valuable to society as every other living human.
35. Buy a copy of Ms. Marvel, give it to a 10-year-old girl, and tell her to kick patriarchy in the ass.
36. Look up the word patriarchy to ensure you just used it correctly and you did not say something inappropriate to a 10-year-old girl.
37. Butt stuff.
38. Play a video game with a friend or significant other, even if it is a single player game. Don’t forget the value of a good single player game co-pilot.
39. Explore cheese; there are thousands of varieties, textures and flavors. They are good for you, and delicious.
40. Open a random Wikipedia page, click the first fifty links, and learn something new.
41. Visit your local comic book store. Ask the helpful attendant to recommend something new that you have never heard of. If they recommend something from Marvel or DC, find a better comic book shop.
42. File your taxes.
43. Explain to your daughter, or niece, and sons, and nephews that Fifty Shades of Grey is not romance, or erotica. It is poorly written exploitation and glorification of abuse and unhealthy relationships. It is in no way to be taken as any kind of example for how to treat a significant other.
44. Watch Top Gun with as large a group of friends as possible, and cuddle during the volleyball scene.
45. Visit a Karaoke bar, and sing “Playing With the Boys” by Kenny Loggins.
46. Spring is coming, it is probably a good time to start cleaning up your yard or garden if you have one, if you don’t have one, find a community garden to clean up. This will ensure you get at least 50 shades dirtier than Fifty Shades Darker.
47. Call your Donald Trump supporting uncle, ask if he watched MSNBC last night and listened to the story on NPR this morning, and don’t argue with a single thing he says.
48. Walk your dog or your neighbor’s dog if you do not have a dog. If you do not have a neighbor with a dog, or they will not let you walk their dog for some reason, go to a shelter, and ask if you can walk one of their dogs.
49. Spend the entire day in bed, without your phone, without watching television. With, or without company. Spend a full 24 hours doing absolutely nothing. If possible, this should be accomplished without pants.
50. Bake a lasagna from scratch, including the pasta. This will take all day. Allow the sauce you made from scratch to simmer for hours. Individually wash and cut the leaves of spinach. Grind all your spices by hand. Finally attempt to feed this culinary masterpiece to children, and throw the whole thing in the bin when they refuse to even taste it.

There you have it, Kaitlyn and Kyle’s list of 50 things to do that are better than seeing Fifty Shades Darker

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