Alan Smithee

Bionic Commando: Rearmed is Retro SEX

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The first game that I ever recieved for my NES is one that I have rambled on and on about for over 20 years now. Bionic Commando was one of those rare gems for a system that wasn’t known exactly for its technical prowess. To this day, it remains one of the few 8-bit games that manages to impress me each time that I play it.

I nearly had a heart attack when I found out last year that not only were they doing a remake of the game for the current generation systems, but they were also producing a refreshed version of the classic platformer that I knew and loved from my childhood. I can only hope that the generation that came after mine is willing to pony up the measly $10 bucks needed to play one of the most enjoyable games I’ve ever had the pleasure of owning on Xbox Live Arcade.

Bionic Commando: Rearmed is not only a refreshed version with 3-D graphics and amazing HD visuals, its the same game that I played 22 years ago. Amazingly each stage is damn near identical to the NES version except now the troops you fight are actually somewhat intelligent, there are secrets on each stage, there are new mechanics, and bigger badder boss battles that put the NES version to shame.

Speaking on the new play mechanics, the grapple arm your character wields is now upgradeable to the point where you can attach it to enemies and pull them to you, where you can then decide if you’re just going to chuck them into oblivion, use them as a bullet shield, or as a human bowling ball to knock other troops onto their asses.

The music and sound effects in the game are stellar. The people who created this game must have had serious love for the original game because there are sound effects and music lifted straight from it. The stage music, if you are a fan like me, takes you back to the time when you were 8 years old and just opened your NES for the first time. Don’t worry, just because I enjoy the music, that doesn’t mean that it’s uninspired, not at all. The creators of Bionic Commando: Rearmed went through painstaking means to make sure the game sounds fresh to the newcomers, while keeping the amazing retro sound old guys like me freak out over.

I could go on for hours and hours about the game and if this were any other site, you might read an honest review for a game, but fuck that…this is MediaWhore, I say that if you don’t have the 800 MS points lying around, then you need to get kicked in the sack until you get this game. Its that good.

Bottom line, if you liked this game on the NES, then you MUST buy it.

If you’re new to the Bionic Commando franchise, then you MUST also buy it. Don’t let the demo speak for itself. Go now, get the fuck off my innernets you damn young kids, go play vidja games!

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