Jill Seale

WPR Discusses: Weapons of Choice

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What is best in life? To blog your opinions, see them published before you, and to hear the lamentations of the commenters. Of course, throwing someone a first class beatdown is nice too. That’s why, in the spirit of the Week of Crom, I’ve asked the WPR crew what they prefer to be carrying when going to smash someone about the face and neck.

Evan Burkey

My weapon is a stick with a string on it, and tied to the string is a copy of Biodome on DVD.

All shall fall before the power of Biodome.

Ryan Thomason
THIS.

Not only would I be able to crush my enemies in single combat, as they cower at the size of my weapon of choice but prove to them that I don’t in fact have a small penis and they should never have suggested so.

I could take out whole legions of them in a single swipe. None would dare enter the 20 foot radius that is my giant ass sword.

In my single swipe, I could not only bathe in the blood of my enemies as Crom demands it, but use my sword to surf on the title wave of blood that spouts forth from the lifeless corpses of entire armies.

This also serves as my finishing move and grand exit all in one finely done package.

Praise be Crom, in all his glory.

James Helsby

The same weapon I have always used.

My 42″ louisville slugger with 10″ Lug screws drilled through it in random arrangement.  Extra ordinarily destructive, but a little hard to clean the carnage off.  But that is usually ok. Bringing a head along with the back swing just makes for extra artillery. Usually I will then dunk my kill in the fat of my prior kills, and set the skull on fire. Extra effectiveness.

My signature move is the ‘orphan’. Where by I swing my bat low, and upon contact with the exposed reproductive organs, a strong pull is used. This not only tears open all three of the iliac arteries (groin) (causing almost certain death) but has the nice benefit of removing my enemies nuts. No nuts, no breading. No breading, no future army.

Two birds with one stone. or bat.

Ryan Wilson

A Justin Bieber piñata…full of bees. Need I say more?

My signature move is called the “15 Minutes of Fame”, where I shove the bee filled piñata on my enemy’s head, film them as they flail around wildly, then post the video on Youtube.

Scott Mason

“Hence to fight and conquer in all your battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy’s resistance without fighting.”  – Sun Tzu

In keeping true to one of Sun Tzu’s principles, I use the Worldslayer.

Armies and nations bow to my rule as soon as I arrive at their shores for fear that I will destroy life itself with one fell swoop.

Jeff Seale

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Man-flail. I believe it speaks for itself.

Dennis Baquedano

My weapon consists of me rushing into a army of a million men, dieing in bloody victory where my soul decends unto the underworld for the killing and murder of so many others, while my soul wanders the depths of evil I will come across a banshee who I will seduce, and eventually capture. I will take said banshee and return to my fallen body after which I will use the spectral hairs of the banshee to tie her to a shield thus giving me a banshee shield to melt the brain of my foes.

Xopher Reed

My razor wit is my weapon of choice, there’s nothing quite like being able to rip your opponent’s willpower to shreds by making fun of his/her physical appearance, the possibility of mental retardation, and what various evening habits their mother may has committed in recent memory.

 

So there you have it; Our ultimate weapons. Feel free to tell us your weapon of choice in the comments below.

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