What the fuck was he thinking?!?
Throughout time, man has pondered many questions:
What is the meaning of life?
Where did we come from?
What’s for dinner?
Are you sure you’re 18?
One beer or too many?
Do you swallow or spit?
These basic questions have shaped the way men go about their days on this earth. And like most men one of the questions that come up in our mind most often is, “Who is the next woman/man/animal I get to stick my penis into?” Want the answer? Read the rest of the article, ya commie bastard.
Don’t laugh. You know you think about this quite often, even if you are married and realize that the answer is, “The same person/pussy/asshole that I stuck it in last night.” And really, as men, we aren’t looking for a ‘person’ so much as a ‘bodily orifice’ to bury our love sticks into. Hence the reason for oral sex, beastiality, anal sex etc. However, there are very few of us that have ever wanted to do what the, now infamous, Xing from China tried to do.
Remember this guys?
If you haven’t read the story, simply google Penis and park bench and you’ll find one of many newsites talking about this. To summarize for you though, Mr. Xing was horny and alone with a park bench, which conveniently, had holes in them. Somehow Mr. Xing got his egg roll inserted it into the bench hole. Unfortunately, he got stuck , because we all know how large Chinese men get after actually finding the hole, and had to be taken to an emergency room. The idiot almost lost his manhood over this whole thing.
So, after reading this article, I decided to put together a little list for Mr. Xing of things that I would rather stick my dick in. These things probably won’t hurt nearly as much as a metal park bench and some of them might even let you keep your dick. Enjoy.
#5 – Cd’s/DVD’s
This is really only for the men that are cursed with the ‘pencil dick syndrome’. So I don’t recommend this to blacks. Asians only. Those holes are small and could seriously scratch you up unless you are used to aiming at small holes.
#4 – Pies
Ah yes, everyone’s favorite fucking-food. Of course it would be on here. It’s warm, it fluffy and, if you use fish oil, can even smell like a pussy…kinda.
#3 – Hot Tub Suction Jets
Ever see the movie Out Cold? Then you know what I’m talking about. And don’t deny it that you haven’t thought about it when you have been in a hot tub. Only problem is, if you are like the guy in the movie, and you get stuck, you’re there for awhile. And be careful not to turn it up too high or that jet might just suck you so hard….
#2 – Tail Pipes
If you haven’t heard, pipe fucking is all the rage now. It’s not unusual to see those stupid teens with the ‘pimped out rides’ rolling all together to an abandoned parking lot and fucking the shit out of their cars. Well the problem with fucking a car is there is really only one place to do it, in the tail pipe. Now a tail pipe could apply to living objects, but a car won’t put up a fight. Too bad you have to be either a black man or a blue whale to satisfy your mustang.
And my #1 pick for Thing I Would Rather Fuck Than: A Park Bench is………
#1 – Amy Winehouse
No words are needed here. Just know that you will have to spray your dick with bleach mixed with some acid to truly cleanse yourself so only consider this as last resort. Oh and that burning you feel, yeah, that never goes away.
So there ya go Mr. Xing. Those are only five things I’ve thought of that would be preferable to fucking a steel bench and probably won’t require a trip to an emergency room, unless of course it’s from Winehouse. So please, ask us experts here at MWN before doing something crazy like that again. We’ve stuck our dicks in so many more things than you, so trust us.