[Image Source: Alice Tams at Birds in Hats]
Good evening, lords and ladies of the internet. If I could coax you to come down from hurling rotted produce at commoners from atop your parapets, I would like to address you in earnest. As I’m sure you know, I am Sir Reginald Q. Pigeon. I was recently knighted by Her Majesty for my gallant efforts to educate humans in the ways of popcorn (specifically the throwing on the ground thereof).
Now that I have finished my mission and made the world a better place for all pigeon-kind, I have taken up a new task. I have deemed it appropriate to deign to answer the queries plaguing the minds of the unwashed masses, in order to improve the quality of their miserable lives, and (most importantly) to demonstrate the proper way to participate in discourse. Of course, this selfless task is meant to teach the blighted heathens how to speak with one who is of a much higher caste than themselves, in case some of you fine, upstanding people ever have the extreme misfortune to run across such rabble and are forced to order him or her to fetch you a fine scotch or to lay his tatty coat over a mud puddle so that you can cross it.
And so, without further ado, your burning questions answered:
Coke or Pepsi?
Sir Reginald Q. Pigeon
Neither. I prefer my Scotch either on the rocks or with just a splash of club soda; No cola. Also: Caffeine is toxic to birds.
Hey mister pigeon, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?
I’ve consulted the leading researcher in the field, one Mr. Owl (perhaps you’ve heard of him), and after reviewing his findings and testing them in my own lab, I’ve come to the conclusion that the owl is nothing but an errant fraud! It seems that he’s been duping unsuspecting children out of their sugary treats for years!
You can read all about this in my paper on the subject: How Many Licks Does it Take to Get to the Center of Corruption, but for the laymen out there who cannot be bothered with such intellectual pursuits, the answer is approximately 508 licks.
Reginald if you were a part of The 3rd Street Saints, what would the boss have you do?
The Saints?! I’d never count myself among those ruffians! Why, just the very thought of roaming around town with a gun in my beak, cavorting around with no regard for the rabble around me, taking all the popcorn I please… It sounds… strangely pleasant, actually. Perhaps I shall inquire as to whether they have need of a refined avian “banger.”
I simply hope they don’t force me to wear that ghastly shade of purple. I’d hate to deprive the world of seeing my majestic plumage.
Have you ever seen the Pigeon Man episode of ‘Hey Arnold!’? I think you’d like it.
I did like it, anonymous question asker. That man is a saint. I particularly enjoyed the bit where the pigeons tore off the evil children’s faces for trifling with him.
I also enjoyed the episode about Stoop Kid. I too know the fear of leaving stoops, as I have grown quite attached to a number of stoops in my time; however, in my long two years of life, I’ve learned that you can’t always cling to a stoop and sometimes you have to let go of the stoops you love, especially if someone is about to tread on you for loitering on their stoop.
Do you believe there’s intelligent life on other planets?
I am not sure, but if there is life outside this planet’s atmosphere, I can only hope that when they descend
to Earth, that they withhold the popcorn from man that man has withheld from pigeons for millennia.
For the benefit of the uneducated reader, popcorn is being used here as both an ingenious metaphor for the secrets to the mysteries of the universe and as a reference to a delicious snack that should be dropped on the ground more often.
Pigeon, I was going to drop popcorn on the ground, but then you asked me to and then I decided not to. Thoughts?
Sir Reginald Q. Pigeon
How dare you taunt me, you… you blackguard! I’ve got half a mind to give you what for!
My, my… Calm down old boy. Musn’t get my feathers ruffled over every lowborn commoner who slings jeers at you.
I say, sir, why don’t you slink back to the opium den from whence you came and vex me no further.
Why is Team Fortress 2 so popular with furies?
Mr. Anonymous, while I may be well versed in most any subject you care to inquire about, I am but a humble pigeon and cannot speak to the whims of the Gods.
When the Titan Cronus castrated his father, Uranus, the Furies, or Erinyes, were born of the droplets of blood as his reproductive organs were cast into the sea.
It has long been a point of fact that soon after, the Erinyes started up a Team Fortress 2 server and have been playing it ever since. On their server, any foul play is met with swift and terrible vengeance. Playing on their server is not advised however, as the Furies tend to scream constantly over voice chat. While most Erinyes play the Pyro class, some have been known to use the Scout. Unsurprisingly, no Fury has ever been known to play Medic.
And so ends our time together, dear readers. But fear not, for as long as there is popcorn to be had or deep mysteries of the universe to be delved, Sir Reginald Q. Pigeon will be there. If you are of good blood and have a burning question that only a pigeon of my stature can handle, send it to my formspring account at Formspring.me/Birdgeoisie. Good evening.