Top 5 Gaming Characters Who Could Improve By Having Beards

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I didn't know tramps could get in the armed forces these days.

So Medal of Honor (spell it right, stupid Americans) is getting a modern day reboot. Big whoop. If I wanted to play a modern day war game I’d play well…Modern Warfare 2. So I wasn’t expecting much initially when I clicked on the item for Medal of Honor, but then I saw the concept art. Wait a minute…IS THAT A FUCKING BEARD? OH GOD THIS GAME IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN MODERN WARFARE 2! As everyone with a working brain cell will know, a beard is the complete embodiment of manliness. Just look at our man above, sporting the hobo look. With a beard like that, there’s no way you’d mess with him. Think about it. Of all of the facial hair in the world, beards are the best. You have some of the most badass people in the world sporting them, such as Jules from Pulp Fiction or Jesus. Also, the only people I know with moustaches are paedophiles or dictators. Do you see anyone with beards that fall into those categories? (shut up.) However, seeing MOH’s bearded protagonist got me thinking, what game characters could really benefit from having beards? Well hit the jump and I’ll give you my top 5, in no particular order, because any measure of  manliness caused by having a beard equals infinity.

Marcus Fenix

Game series: Games of War

The guy on the left is totally a Helghast soldier.

Marcus Fenix should be the solitary symbol of all things manly. He’s got so much muscle that even steroid abuse couldn’t match it, he’s ugly and also has the vocabulary and intelligence of a chav. Surely he couldn’t get anymore manly right? Well look at that clean shaven face. You can just see in his eyes that even Fenix knows how much of a crime it is. What, that little speck on his chin? That’s no beard! Until he decides to truly man up and put some hair on his face, the Locust will only carry on fighting. Also, a beard would raise troop morale, as it shows that Marcus is so dedicated to the fight that he doesn’t even have time to shave. The expectations for the inevitable Gears of War 3 are going to be even higher so the only way for Cliffy B and friends to top it will be by giving their main man some fuzz on that chunky face of his.


Game series: Mario Universe

Nothing witty to say here. Move along.

Just think about it Luigi. For years you’ve been in the shadow of your brother Mario, who not only gets all of the attention but also gets his hands on the princess, quite literally. People think you’re a wimp, shitting your dungarees when you entered a haunted mansion and couldn’t find a phone to call the Ghostbusters. Well, no longer would you be player 2 or a scaredy pants if you grew the source of all male power, facial hair. Oh sure, you already have a moustache, but what did I just say? You don’t want to be lumped in with Hitler now do you? All I’m saying Luigi is that if you grew a beard, all of your dreams would (probably) come true.


Game series: Sonic universe


Everyone is sympathetic towards Sonic, but then they forget that you’ve had a hard time too Robotnik. Even before Sonic games went down the shitter, you were only being given a bit part of the causer of Chaos in Sonic Adventure. Sega have even made you resort to helping Sonic and his merry fan club recently. I mean, what kind of man helps his worst enemy? Well, it’s about time Sega took your feelings into account, and the only way to do that is by beard power. With that massive moustache, you’re a joke to Sega. However, with a fully grown beard, perhaps they’d finally start listening to you and make you the only true Sonic villain again. Even if that fails, you could easily pass off to Capcom as a ginger Zangief and get a gig in the next Street Fighter game. See, with that magnum opus of facial hair, the only way forwards is through success.


Game Series: Legend of Zelda

Link's best attempt at being a badass.

Gees Link, you’re such a girl. It’s no wonder Ganon constantly returns to try and take over Hyrule. How can he be afraid of a man who has long dashing hair, a face smoother than a baby’s bottom, massive eyelashes and looks about 6 years old? It’s no wonder Miyamoto called the series The Legend of Zelda, because he’d just be plain embarrassed if he had put your name in the title. What you need my man is a full transformation, and the only way to start on your path to manhood would be to grow some facial hair. Ganon’s Triforce of Power will be useless in comparison to the might power of your hypothetical beard. Zelda probably wouldn’t treat you like shit either and might finally stop being such a cocktease. Dungeons and chicken throwing will only get you so far. To truly become a hero, you’ll need to add a big, bushy beard into the equation.


Game Series: Timesplitters


Now I’ve got nothing against you Cortez. You’re enough of a badass as it is and between fighting Timesplitters and shades like that, I certainly wouldn’t mess with you. However, I’m not everyone and there will be some that will doubt your manliness. How do you solve this problem? By growing a beard of course! Not only will you strike even more fear into the hearts of Timesplitters but like Marcus Fenix, you will raise morale by showing your dedication to fighting the Timesplitters. If it worked for Mendez, it can work for you too.

Well there you have it. Of course, everyone could benefit from having a little more beard in their lives, so who else do you think would benefit from having the best type of facial hair in the known universe?

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