Jill Seale

Time Well Wasted: Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars

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Hail to the Queen, baby!

[I love wasting time. Nothing feels more free to me than knowing there are things I need to get done and completely blowing them off. In the spirit of slackers everywhere, I present Time Well Wasted, a weekly feature where I’ll showcase some of the best, most interesting, or just plain strangest ways to kill time on the internet.]

The concept of Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars practically sells itself. Created by Anna Anthropy (of Mighty Jill Off fame), You play as the spider-queen as she fights to quell a slave uprising in her glorious castle on Mars. How does a lesbian spider-queen fight back against the slave hordes? With bondage, of course. Not just any bondage, mind you; She’s got crystal scepter laser bondage. Like I said, it sells itself.

The gameplay is a throwback to old adventure/maze games like Wizards of Wor, and the style is perfectly recreated. The basic premise is this: Your laser lasso points in whatever direction you’re facing. As the slaves run around the maze, you’ll need to hit them with it, then either run and collect them (and possibly the gems they drop for extra points) or stand still and reel them in. Different slaves have different abilities and will have to be dealt with in different ways. For example, the slaves holding shields must be snared either from the side or behind; however, if you let them stray long enough, they’ll drop their shield and start sprinting around the maze. It’s very twitchy and fun, but there’s also a bit of strategy involved. You’ll have to judge angles well and time snares just right once things get really hectic.

The sound in this game is outstanding. It really recreates that retro arcade feeling, from the ominous “doo-doo-doo” noises the spider-queen makes as she stalks the maze to the Sinistar-esque voice samples of the queen taunting her prey. It’s all very crunchy, but never overdone. The graphics are very flashy, reminescent of a scaled up Commodore 64 game. Every time you capture a slave the entire maze flashes for a second, which can make things extra exciting when you’re rapid-fire snaring the little buggers. You probably want to avoid this one if you have an aversion to flashing lights.

All in all this is a great time-waster and another example of how amazing Adult Swim games are becoming. You can check it out here. Do it.

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