Slightly Whorifying – The Batman Superman Movie

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The Batsy Supey...Movey?

Remember Batman: The Animated Series? If you don’t, it was a Batman cartoon from the 1990’s, and is generally considered one of the best cartoon series of its time. With great renditions of the usual rogue gallery of Batman villains as well as fun action and story, it’s good to watch even now. One villain that is strongly remembered in the series was the Joker, voiced brilliantly by Mark Hamill (Luke Skywalker in the Star Wars series). Also remembered was his female accomplice/lover, Harley Quinn, who became so popular that she became a fully fledged character in the DC Universe, getting her own comic book series. So, as with any great series, there was bound to be a few televised movies of it. The first one that comes to mind is Return of the Joker, which tied together Batman: TAS with Batman Beyond, and is a good movie in it’s own right. There was also Mask of the Phantasm, which I haven’t seen. Then we come to The Batman/Superman Movie. This was a tie-in movie with the counterpart series, Superman: The Animated Series and ended up creating a crossover series on it’s own. Still this isn’t too great.

SPOILERS AHEAD

Things begin well enough, a shopkeeper is closing up his shop as a mysterious lady comes in and sprays the trademark Joker venom in his face. This is revealed to be Harley Quinn, with The Joker is right behind her. They steal a priceless ornament for seemingly no reason, and The Joker proclaims that they will be taking a trip to Metropolis. Hmmm, the ornament is green, it wouldn’t happen to be made of Kryptonite would it? Why the hell would an antique shop have 20 pounds of Kryptonite lying around? Anyway, as they leave the shop, the movie transitions into the crime scene, where we get a cameo appearance of Commissioner Gordon, Harvey Bullock (that fat guy who hates Batman), and of course Batsy himself. He takes a sample of Kryptonite and returns to the Bat Cave, where we find out Bruce Wayne just happens to be taking a business trip to Metropolis. Are we going to see Superman, the Joker, Harley Quinn and Lex Luthor there by any chance? Seems so. So, Bruce arrives at Metropolis and, of course, the press are there waiting for him, including Clark Kent and Lois Lane. Lois immediately dismisses him as rich playboy garbage until the moment she sees him come out of the plane…where she instantly falls for him, and I mean INSTANTLY. Since Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne looks pretty similar in terms of looks in this movie, why hasn’t she fallen for Clark already? Well, after some mild chatter, Bruce invites her to dinner.
Batman: Crime Fighting Vigilante and Smooth Operator.

Not related, but oh so fitting

So Bruce and Lois go to their little dinner date. Bruce does his moves and Lois whores herself off to him. We also find out that Bruce Wayne is here to discuss technology with none other than LEX LUTHOR. You know, you’d think he might have heard from Metropolis that Lex Luthor is evil but whatever, this movie doesn’t care. Speaking of Lex, he has been semi-kidnapped by The Joker and Harley and given the option to kill Superman using the stolen Kryptonite for one billion dollars. I guess Lex couldn’t have just moved to another City in America and done his evil deeds there. Since the Joker’s going to need to set up Superman as dictated by the Supervillain Rulebook, he enlists the help of a group of wiseguys. I found watching this scene especially funny due to its similarity to a scene from The Dark Knight, except he uses Joker Venom instead of a pencil. He then uses these mobsters to help him kidnap Lois before she gets the chance to shag Bruce Wayne. Batman and Superman go to save her, where they find out each other’s secret identities. When Lois finds out about Bruce’s secret, instead of making millions by revealing his identity to the world like a smart person would, she keeps it secret. Then, Lex changes his offer to kill Superman and Batman, which leads to Batman and Superman fighting some giant enemy crabs. After defeating the crabs, they finally face the trio in their airship. The Joker’s grenades ultimately lead to the ship blowing up. Batman and Superman are able to save Lex and Harley, but The Joker gets sent to hell. They then all have a nice cup of tea and Bruce goes back to Gotham. Movie Over. They try and make it look like the Joker dies, but according to canon the Joker must have survived it.

So basically this is a pretty bog standard cartoon superhero thing, which is a shame because The Joker and Harley are just as good as they were in The Animated Series. The main problem is with the Superman part of the movie. Now to tell you the truth I’m not a Superman fan, but there is an even bigger reason for its weakness. Blandness. Superman is bland, Lex Luthor is bland, and Lois…well she’s just a filthy, filthy whore. Long story short, if you’re going to watch this, either try and find it on TV or just not download it. No wonder I don’t remember watching this when I was young (And yet I happen to own a VHS of it). I hope you enjoyed the article. may do more like this in the future since I found a load of VHS movies that I had from my early childhood.

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