Well it’s that time of year again. The time of year where I look back at the previous year and wonder to myself again, “How in the hell am I still alive?” Yes, for those of you that don’t know, I turned 25 this past weekend and had a blast doing it (petron margaritas hit the spot). So thank you to all my readers for your love and support during this hard time.
At least my insurance is going down.
Now you all know that I have tremendous respect for those people that serve and protect us all. I really do. Even the assholes that arrested me for that bench-humping incident in 2006 (no, there are no pictures you can get, so stop asking). But let’s be completely honest here. Sometimes, they just do things that aren’t all that bright.
The thing that got me about this story was the description of the bank robber himself. Here, let me quote it to you..
Authorities had said last summer that they weren’t sure what the “Big Boy Bandit” looked like because he covered his face with a nylon stocking during robberies
A Crime Stoppers news release had described him as white, 30 to 50 years old, 5 feet 9 inches tall to 6 feet 4 inches tall, 220 to 275 pounds, with sandy brown or blond hair.
Remind me never to ask these guys for directions either. Jeez.
But I know not every police officer is stupid. And stupidity is not limited to just the law enforcement arena. Oh no my friends, sometimes, it spreads, like a plague. But here’s a hint. If you suffer from extreme stupidity, or just plain bad luck, never go to a doctor.
Now hopefully some of you have seen the movie Gattaca and know exactly what it took for that guy to get back to normal. It’s bad enough the poor guy had to have his legs shortened at all, it’s a completely different thing when you end up five inches shorter than planned.
But who am I to judge really? I’m not a doctor, just a journalist and a gamer. I have no idea how hard it might be for those doctors to read those ‘doctor rulers’. Maybe the numbers are smaller. Or maybe the police officer complained about the quality of nurses in his room. Who knows? But here’s a hint; complaining rarely gets you anywhere in life. And NEVER, EVER complain to an Italian about Italian food, especially when that guy own the joint.
I never knew eating Italian could be so dangerous. I mean, The Godfather was just a movie right? That kind of stuff doesn’t really happen, right?
You remember when you were a little boy and you just discovered your balls for the first time? You remember what that discovery was like? Well let me ask you something, after the first time you got kicked in the balls, how many times did you put explosives between your legs? Once? Twice? If you have, and you still have your balls, maybe you should talk to this kid about the wisdom of putting anything near those precious items.
All I’m going to say for this one is that someone needs to hire Will Ferrell for this movie.
The Weekly Facepalm Law
This is a new thing I’m going to start adding to my weekly piece. It’s simply a look at some of the dumbest, and funniest, laws that are still on the books from our beloved states. So first up, since it was the firs thing to hit my desk this morning, is the beloved and often forgotten, state of Oregon. And the law for this week is:
It’s against the law for a wedding ceremony to be performed at a skating rink.
I can just imagine the disaster that took place the first time the bride tried to skate down the lane on a hockey rink. Reading these laws does explain a lot about king3vbo though.
The hero of the day!!!
The hero for this week’s facepalm, is a mother from Sacramento that, apparently, has more balls in her than her husband does. You see, her son, a 16-year-old cocky little twat, stole his mother’s car in the early hours of the morning and drove off with it. After a little joyriding, he crashes into a dumpster and is arrested by the police. The mother, not satisfied with her son being charged with Driving Under the Influence and Driving without a License, the mother herself is charging him with Grand Theft Auto.
How’s that for some tough love huh?