Alan Smithee

The Travel Agent — Bartertown

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So you say that there’s no good places left in the world after the apocalypse? Well good sir/madam, you’d be completely wrong. You just haven’t been looking hard enough! If you really want to see the sites while travelling, your next stop should be the one shining, if not glowing bastion in this whole dystopian landscape…BARTERTOWN!!!

Only here will you experience the finest in radiated water while wallowing in the aromatic air that comes from deriving the town’s power from pig excrement. Just make sure that you aren’t ever caught trying to poach the town’s power supply, otherwise you’ll end up working for the man “who run Bartertown”, the diminutive pilot and the retarded meat train that everyone refers to as the duo Master Blaster.


While above ground, make sure you make a visit to Auntie Entity and pay her tribute, for we know that there would be no law in the wastelands without her. You might even be so lucky to hear a jam played by her own saxophone player. Do not make eye contact with her personal bodyguard, you’ll recognize him from his porcelain mask on a mop handle taped to his back (he’s kinda crazy).


If you’re so lucky to come into town when one of our citizens has a quarrel with another that can’t be solved immediately, you’ll be witness to one of the best shows the town has to offer at the majestic Thunderdome. Here, two men enter and one man leaves after facing off in a gladitorial battle to the death to prove who has the correct argument. Seating is limited and very hazardous, so take great care when watching the battle.


As the name of the city implies, much of the town’s income comes from the buying and selling of goods and services. There is but one rule in all of Bartertown, and woe unto you if you don’t follow it…”Bust a deal, face the wheel.” Trust us, use as much discretion as possible when you need something in town, the last thing you need is to be sent on gulag.



If you’re unlucky enough to be kicked out of Bartertown, just a few miles from the city limits if you can manage to survive the killer quicksands and harsh environments you’ll find Crack in the Earth. In this oasis paradise, you’ll be greeted as a messiah and touted as the leader to a cheery but ruddy group of children that have been long abandoned by their parents, NAMBLA members welcome!

Just find your nearest hockey masked muscle-man to find the details on how you too can take this amazing vacation of a lifetime. All you’ll need is a quick autogyro ride from our friendly sky pilot and you’ll be here in no time flat.

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