The Retro Goggles, They Do Nothing: The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends

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Licensed games. The 8-bit and 16-bit eras had loads of them, and surprisingly a lot of them were great. Tiny Toons Adventures, Felix the Cat, and Aladdin, just to name a few. But it’s just fate that there also be some pretty bad licensed games, and The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends is the worst of the worst.

What can I say about Rocky and Bullwinkle? I never played this game as a kid, but I was at a retro videogame store a year or so ago and saw it for around 2 bucks, so I figured why not pick it up? I always liked the Rocky & Bullwinkle TV show as a kid, so the videogame adaptation would probably be decent right?

No. No, no, and no. This game is all that is unholy about videogames. It makes modern-day shovelware look like fucking masterpieces. But let me be more specific. The graphics look like they were done in MS Paint, and that is being harsh to MS Paint, because I have seen some good things done with it. The graphics look like if you gave a monkey a pencil for outlines and a crayon for fill and told him to go to town. On top of that the gameplay is horrendous. There’s really no way to attack besides lobbing bombs, and you can’t control their distance, so you can’t do anything about it when Boris is lobbing bombs at you, or any of the other enemies attack you. For a game that consists of any platforming, the collision detecting is god-awful as well.

I’m not going to lie, I never got very far in this game, so I don’t know if things pick up later in the game, but no mortal being can blame me. You fucking go pick it up and try to play it. Tell me you last longer than 5 minutes. If you say you do, you’re a fucking liar. The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends is the worst piece of coding to ever be called a videogame.

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