Alan Smithee

Spider-Man, I Loathe You

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I’ve seen the movies, I’ve read the comics before, and I’ve only just now realized what my problem is with Peter Parker, or should I say Spider-Man? I find myself at my age hating this character, and I think I can finally say why. If you like Spider-Man, you need to grow the fuck up. There, I said it.

Ok, I understand that when Stan Lee created the character of Peter Parker / Spider-Man, he did so to engage the teenage audience at the time…and I think it’s safe to say that that’s never changed. I merely think that I have.

I can’t bring myself to care about this web-slinging New York resident who seems to have some serious issues with letting go of his dear Aunt May. He’s chased after the finest ass that was in his league, whether it be Gwen Stacy, or Mary Jane Watson…whom he actually married!

He’s been around for decades but for some reason, the suits at Marvel just won’t allow him to fucking grow up! I don’t want a silver-haired Spider-Man or anything, but the fact that we’ve allowed Steve Rogers to quit being Captain America for a while tells me that we can in fact allow our superheroes to change without retconning the living hell out of their stories.

Take for instance the storyline that we were given for One More Day and Brand New Day. When Peter Parker was faced with deciding on the life of his old and feeble Aunt and being married to the woman he loves…he chooses to make a deal with Mephisto to erase the marriage and any memory of it just to save the old bat.

I don’t know about you guys, but to me that seems akin to going bankrupt in order to save a pet. I personally wouldn’t do it. For Christ’s sake Peter, she’s lived a long life and she wants to die so you can get on with your life!

Besides the Aunt issues and the small man problems that he seems to be plagued with, has anyone else but me ever thought about how retarded it is for him to be best friends with Norman Osborn’s son Harry, and still remain broke as hell and struggling to pay his rent?

I don’t care how good your personal scruples are, if you have a multi-gajillionaire as a best friend you’re totally going to take him up on his offer of working with/for him so that you don’t have to worry about where your next dinner is coming from.

I just can’t get past my irrational hatred of Spider-Man…it’s nearly as strong as the hate I feel towards Scott Summers / Cyclops from the X-Men. But that, will have to wait until another post.

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