Rob Zombie’s The Lords of Salem: The Brutal Review

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I want to preface this article by simply saying, I don’t dislike Rob Zombie. I enjoyed White Zombie, I like his artwork, and I think he has some good taste in movies. This is nothing personal.

Dear Mr. Zombie (if that is your real name),

I’ve never wanted my money back after watching a movie more than when I watched your newest film, The Lords of Salem. I watched as the few people in the theater with me walked out, and I envied their ability to walk away. You see, I was dead set to make it to the end so I could write a fair and honest review. I’m going to try something nice here. A compliment sandwich if you may. That way the constructive criticism won’t sting as badly.

Your eye for setting up shots is great. In fact, the scene in House of 1000 Corpses when Otis kills the cop and you have that long drawn out crane shot. By the time Otis pulls the trigger, you’re relieved. Very powerful shot.


You had no shots like that in Lords of Salem. In fact, your direction was only acceptable in a few of the dream sequences Heidi (Sheri Moon-Zombie) had. Honestly, this was mostly a movie following around your wife who’s about the worst actor to star in a film. Ever. I get it though. You think she’s hot and that a two minute shot of her naked ass is acceptable in a serious thriller. Well, you’re wrong. Your ability to direct actors is on par with Uwe Boll, SyFy Channel movie directors, or an Asylum Film. You really shouldn’t be allowed to write scripts. Maybe if you just wrote an outline and hired a ghost writer your movies would be better.

All your movies so far, including The Lords of Salem, incorporate many “homages” to great movies I love. I bet we could sit down and have movie marathons for weeks and never disagree on a movie (unless you put one of yours in). The problem is that when you pay homage it looks like a rip-off to me. Especially when you almost exactly rip off dialogue from The Last House on The Left (1972) for the hotel torture scene in The Devil’s Rejects. Your plot in The Lords of Salem is ambiguous at best. It’s like you took a story that could of been a 20 minute segment in an anthology film and turned it into an almost two hour long abortion, filling in any semblance of a plot with scenes of your wife walking, sleeping, and looking like a trashy scenester with daddy issues. The only way I’d watch this movie again is if Mystery Science Theater 3000 did a reunion episode for it.


Alright, I’ll finish off with a compliment to complete this sandwich… Um, well, part of the soundtrack was written and performed by John5 (John Lowery). Those parts were really good. Congratulations to him, and I guess to you for making a great decision in hiring him.

That’s all I have for you, Mr. Zombie. Below you will see my overall rating of your film.

Most sincerely,

Jasen A. Mortensen

Overall Rating 2.5 out of 10. I’m not sure what would garner a lower rating from me, but I dread the idea of watching it! If you really need to see this movie just watch the trailer. It’s pretty much the movie minus the 90 minutes of Sheri Moon-Zombie walking her dog. Avoid this movie in the theaters or at home.

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