Raping your childhood – Hollywood’s obsession with remakes

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gremlins

Just like remembering that time a drunken Uncle Jack stumbling into your room at 2AM asking you to pet his snake, Hollywood is now assaulting my childhood memories. Now we’ve already been subjected to this in a different way with our old TV shows jumping to the big screen. With the upcoming releases of GI Joe and Transformers 2, this trend won’t end soon either. But no, Hollywood now has it in for some of your favorite movies from the past.

Being a kid growing up in the 80’s was great when I look back on it. The true advent of video gaming, awesome cartoons, and some really classic movies were made then. Granted not all the movies Hollywood is looking to remake are ‘classics’ by any sense of the word, but they were cool back then, and I’m really afraid of what is going to happen to them.

So , let’s jump right into a few of the remakes you’ll soon be hearing and seeing, and my personal opinions on them.

  • The Karate Kid – It hurts already, doesn’t it? And the going rumor is that Will Smith’s son will be taking the lead role. No offense, but no. Don’t do it. The fact that there was a 4th (Next Karate Kid) in 1994 was already enough punishment as it is. And Pat Morita is dead, which really makes you scared for the choice to fill that role.
  • Robocop – You know what made the original fun? Violence. Lots of it. If this thing comes out at PG-13, it’s wrong to begin with.
  • Flash Gordon – Ok so in this situation, there’s two things I’d be worried about. Losing some of the B-movie feel, and what hip hop artist will get to sample the theme song and rap over it.
  • Gremlins – Ok, this rumor has been around for years now, but it sounds like it’s been picking up steam recently. In this day and age CG graphics are king. So yes, while Mogwai will probably look disgustingly cute and furry, it just won’t be the same as the evil little muppet that we all grew up with.
  • Short Circuit – Number Five is alive again. I’ve got the same concerns here that I do with Gremlins, will Johnny Five be CG? Will this resurrect Steve Guttenberg’s career? Probably not…..
  • Conan –  Look, this role was pure Arnie, and without him, it’s just not as awesome. Plus when you think about it, back in the day we had all sorts of musclebound men for these roles (example: Dolph Lundgren). These days? Not so much. Seriously, take a few actors and in your mind, put them in Conan’s loincloth. Yeah, it made me laugh too.

There’s quite a laundry list of remakes coming down the pipe that I won’t even get to, and a simple google or IMDB search will give you more information on any of these or the ones above. But beware, your cherished memories are going to be pulled out, gutted, and remade. And more than likely, I’ll end up watching them if only so I can bitch about it.

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