Jill Seale

Portal 2 News: Aperture Science Founder Cave Johnson To Be Voiced By J.K. Simmons

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This is good news.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie with J.K. Simmons that I didn’t like. Simmons plays “Mr. Boss Man” like no other, and now he’s going to be doing the voice work for the man upstairs at Aperture Science. If you were following the Portal 2 Alternate Reality Game that Valve ran last year, you’ll know that Cave Johnson is the late founder of Aperture Science. I’ll explain more for the people who aren’t gigantic nerds who follow Alternate Reality Games.

In the ARG, we were treated to a taste of what Old Mr. Johnson was like via memos that he had sent off to his employees. The most distinguishing characteristic of Cave Johnson is that he’s dead. However, he’s able to write memos from beyond the grave due to some mysterious plot-laden procedure that we’re not told about. These memos are hilarious, and now you can imagine them being read in the distinguished voice of one J.K. Simmons.

Oh, and just a side note, the reason they’re all jumbly in spots is because they were recovered from the data stream of a recovering artificial intelligence named GLaDOS (ARG’s are fun!):

MEMORANDUMS: Filed under CJohnson: 1085839-G
This one’s important, folks, so no skimmin’. Cave Johnson here, your boss and founder of Aperture Science?the best damn applied sciences company on Earth. How good is the science here? Get a load a? this: as of this morning, I am dead!
Now, yer probably askin? yourself, “Cave, come on now, how is this possible? Are you some manner of Dracula? Or Frankenstein? Or dependin? on yer cultural heritage, a Blackula or Latin Frankenstein?”gh632jj3 ksjdo sir! It’s science. Thanks to our diligent Aperture engineers, I am writin’ memos to you today, literally, from beyond the grave! Furthermore I’d l#ke t5o inf))))m 34verybody wePPPPPing a blue shi%%$rt today th32232t y*u @##re f)*# TF FFs0&^t ##f gd fghDFRt 665 ^ $%& 4%^^$. ZSFGS D FGsd5 E$ 5^57&w$% &6&778*$ 4^77 r6ty u$65####################3

MEMORANDUMS: Filed under CJohnson: 188454-G &&^521762
jsow remind you that Aperture Science is built on three pillars. Pillar one: Science without results is just witchcraft. Pillar two: Get results or you’re fired. Pillar three: if you suspect a coworker of bein’ a witch, report them immediately. I cannot stress that enough. Witchcraft will not be tolerated.

MEMORANDUMS: Filed under CJohnson: 76550293-G
A lot of you have been raising concerns about the so-called “dangers” of what we’re all doing here. The beancounters told me to tell you that as of today, testing will no longer be as mandatory or as dangerous. That’s not gonna happen, and here’s the reason:
Science isn’t about why, it’s about why not. You ask: Why is so much of our science dangerous? I say: Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won’t hit you in the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Plus, in the event of your death, I personally guarantee that, thanks to the form you were required to sign this morning, your family will not suffer the indignities of a prolonged and costly legal battle against Aperture Science. Trust me, I am rich, and it is a burden I would not wish on anyone.
To summarize: 6218376213 wjqehkjh -213&&&^%@5*(*@))@)#*&@ +—+++

I’m so freakin’ excited for Portal 2!

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