Open Letter to George Lucas: Just STOP
Dear Georgie Lucas,
I am writing this letter to ask you, no to plead with you about something that is very important.. You see, I finally got to see your new film, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, or as I like to call it, Indiana Jones vs. Aliens without Sigourney Weaver. Because that’s what it basically came down to. Because of this and all the horrific, mind-numbing additions to the Star Wars canon you have recently tacked on with your usual disregard to fan reaction, I have just one thing to say to you.
STOP RAPING MY CHILDHOOD!!
Fans? Who are they?
You see Georgie, I have been a Star Wars fan since I was 7 and first saw the original trilogy. The grand sense of epic adventure where good guys had laser swords, bad guys were scary and good always triumphed were things that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. Not to mention what the idea of The Force had on a kid. A mystical energy field that surrounds us, penetrates us and that some people have the ability to tap into and do awesome cool things with. Then I discovered how awesome chain mail bikinis were and became a man, well at least as much of a man a geek can become at 10. Even after the movies had worn off there were other things to fulfill my need for Star Wars, quality games, good books that continued the story of these characters and the technical manuals. It was wonderful.
She made a man out of me.
It all came to a crashing end when The Phantom Menace was released and all my love for Star Wars was tested. Did I love it enough to accept the ridiculous story? Did I have enough of an obsession to go along with the FUCKING RETARDED explanation for The Force? And we won’t even talk about your attempt to replace Chewie with that abomination, Jar Jar. Yes, the lightsaber scenes were awesome, but it didn’t make up for the rest. So I hoped that you would improve drastically with the next movie.
Sadly, my hopes were dashed as Attack of the Clones was released and destroyed whatever remaining faith I had in your creation. The horrible things about that movie are well documented. Hayden Christensen, Samuel L. Jackson, Count Dooku, HAYDEN FUCKING CHRISTENSEN, a horrible backstory for Boba Fett; they are too numerous to count. Now the only way I could enjoy Star Wars was to watch the old movies but no!! You put HIM into Return of the Jedi!! Fucking Hayden Christensen standing next to Alec Guiness and Yoda!! You sir, deserve to be punched for that.
He’s just holding me back!!
So then when I heard you were FINALLY making a new Indiana Jones, I held my breath hoping that maybe, just maybe, with Spielberg’s help, you wouldn’t drive me away from this franchise too.
Too bad you completely suck at film making. The movie was a piece of garbage and I swear to God that if you try to continue the story with fucking Shia LeBuff as Indy I will come to Skywalker Ranch and kick you in the gonads. Sure, their interactions were humorous, but to even consider the possibility of seeing Shia as Indy makes me vomit. Aliens!!! In my Indiana Jones!! What the FUCK were you thinking you cock-sucking gas-bag?!? It’s not that fucking hard to make an Indy movie. Here, I’ll even help you with it.
- Have Nazis and/or some great evil to fight.
- Have a halfway decent-looking female somewhere, preferably half-dressed by the end.
- Make some grand journey/adventure to recover/find some hidden artifact.
- Have funny sidekick to help Indy smile.
- Indy always wins at the end.
You see how easy that is? A blind, deaf and dumb kid could make that. Even Uwe Boll could….well maybe not Uwe Boll.
And here’s another question, why did you wait so long? You could have made Indiana Jones into recurring character just like the Bond movies, where the adventures are separate from each other (for the most part) and where there is a new actor playing Bond every few years. But instead you try to continue the story and so are stuck transferring the hat and whip to someone else since Harrison Ford is old as shit.
I might be the next Indiana Jones!!
So now two precious pieces of my childhood, Star Wars and Indiana Jones, joins the list of the raped, along with the Transformers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and soon-to-be raped, G.I. Joe. Thank you very much Georgie.
P.S. Couldn’t even put in a bikini scene with Natalie Portman? C’mon, that’s just lazy filmmaking man.
We couldn’t see this why again?