Jill Seale

Man Meal: Crom Cake

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We’ve seen a lot of very conventional Man Meals this week, but Crom laughs at these meals. He laughs from his mountain! This is a recipe for a cake I found in a dusty box of my great-grandfather’s belongings. It was found underneath a bunch of Hustlers, a box of menthol cigarettes, and a gun. Unfortunately, there are no pictures of this cake. Every picture that was ever taken of this cake spontaneously combusted upon developing.

I don’t recommend making this cake, but if you do decide to attempt it, I advise you to have a plan to kill it before going in.

Crom Cake

1 turkey
1 plate of onion rings
1 plate of potato skins
1 plate of fried jalapenos
1 plate of nachos
1 bag of pork rinds
2 eggs
1 bag of concrete
1 pan of day old bacon grease
50 slim jims
1 box of nails

  • Layer 1: Stuff a turkey with onion rings, potato skins, fried jalapenos, and pork rinds. Uppercut it into the oven and bake it for 3 days. place turkey into a cylindrical pan, and fill pan with concrete.
  • Layer 2: bread a plate of nachos with beer batter and deep fry it (plate and all).
  • Stick both layers into the oven. While baking, crush 2 eggs in your hands and imagine the feeble heads of your enemies.
  • Pull both layers out of the oven, stick one on top of the other (nachos on top of turkey cinder block, stupid).
  • Frost cake with day old bacon grease.
  • Garnish with slim jims and nails.

There you have it. The manliest cake ever conceived. Go ahead and try to make it if you want, but don’t blame me when your cake-homunculus awakes from it’s long slumber with an unquenchable thirst for blood. That’s your deal, man.

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