Kaitlyn Booth

Kaitlyn’s Fast And Furious Drunk Blog: Part Three

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Here is the final part to this little experiment. I was informed that these two are “the best” of the Fast and Furious series which meant there were expectations. The same warnings as before apply in that there are a few bad words but this one is much longer because I do an overview of the entire series at the end. Do you like my drunk blogging and want to see more? Leave suggestions on our facebook or in the comments and let me know what you’d like to to drunk blog next.

Skip to PART ONE or PART TWO of this Drunk Blog!

SPOILER WARNING

Fast Five

2011
Fast Five
They’re trying to say no one died in that crash but I’m sorry that’s crap. No one in that bus was wearing a seat belt because buses don’t have any. Someone died.
As usual it seems like they come up with the worst ideas possible for their heist ideas. Once again there must be an easier way to do this.
Yeah you don’t fall from that height and survive. I’m starting to think that this movie doesn’t take place in the real world.
Oh look the Rock has shown up.
How many times are they going to show the statue of Jesus to remind us that we’re in Rio?
Why do people always drink when they are on the run? It seems like poor timing.
I enjoy the little Ocean 11’s style team they have going on here and it’s adorable but it’s also kind of irritating. I keep forgetting who most of this cast is at any given time and I don’t know how many times I’ve forgotten various names.
They showed the statue again because this takes place in Brazil if you didn’t know that.
This movie is taking a giant crap on Rio as a city showing it as corrupt and a slum where people will do anything for something. It’s not very good and also makes it look like everyone just carries around guns for giggles.
I like how they are racing because that isn’t inconspicuous or anything.
Once again these movies are really boring.
Oh look someone else is throwing away their career for Dom and ~revenge. Also let me say how sober I am right now because I have to work tonight.
CONCLUSION: Final thoughts is that nothing happens for the entire middle of this movie. The thing with the safe was kind of cool but all I could think is “yep someone else just died for no reason” and I can’t seem to get beyond that.

Furious 6

2013
Furious 6
This series with their “brocade” of family and crap and how sincere they are about it is one of the funniest things in these movies. Also, why did Elena shack up with Dom there were hardly any hints to that?
I want to know how Hobb’s has a job considering how many laws he breaks on a regular basis. I also want to know why they had to hire this team instead of the army or Interpol or you know someone who isn’t Los Angeles street racers.
The movie tells us that we’re going to deal with the other crew is the opposite of Dom’s crew by looking at the camera and telling us that’s what the angle is. Which is subtle.
I’m pretty sure Gina is the first female in this movie who hasn’t been sexualized at all though Gisele is doing a pretty good job at being a badass.
I’m not sure why we’re supposed to care about Letty that much. I’ve never found her to be that interesting as a character. She’s always been Dom’s girlfriend and she doesn’t have an existence outside of Dom or his little car family.
Shaw is apparently as big of an idiot as Dom because his plan is just as stupid complicated as everything else Dom has done in five movies. Does no one in this universe know how to plan a simple heist?
These movies are really building up Gisele and Han as love interests but we already know that Han dies like very soon so why?? To make his death three movies ago actually mean something when, in reality, it fell completely flat in the movie itself.
SOMEONE IS ACKNOWLEDGING COLLATERAL DAMAGE. IT ONLY TOOK SIX AND A HALF MOVIES. AND PEOPLE GETTING RUN OVER BY TANKS.
Apparently the laws of gravity do not apply to Dominic Toretto.
Oh god Shaw wanted to get caught didn’t he god damn it.
Yes, thank you Mr, Nato officer, you’re 100% right. One hostage doesn’t outweigh millions of lives. Hobb’s you moron.
Of course Gina’s character is evil. Why would we want a woman with full agency over her life and decisions? No, she’s a badass, not sleeping with a member of Dom’s ~~family, and therefore evil.
Hey look there goes the only interesting women thus far.
Oh a bunch of pilots are dead.
So it’s kind of creepy that Letty doesn’t have any memory and is still getting in a relationship with Dom. I don’t like the way that feels personally. I know they were ~~in love before but it’s just weird. She doesn’t know him and she only has his word to go on whether or not they were actually together.
CONCLUSION: The “best” one yet if by “best” I mean we’ve come to average.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I found this entire series to be very boring to me which I feels like is a problem considering they are supposed to be dumb action movies. There are long stretches in every movie where not much happens and the macho posturing was so bad at some points I wanted to throw a ruler at half these characters and tell them to measure to get it over with. I had a hard time staying focused because I didn’t care about anyone so all of the tension from the action scenes just got sucked up. For a good action scene to work you have to care about the fate of the characters and I didn’t like anyone in these movies.

The series has no idea what to do with women or how to react to them. If a woman in this series isn’t wearing the equivalent to a bandanna and a thong then she has zero agency outside of the men around her. Letty is entirely defined by her relationship with Dom. Mia doesn’t exist aside from being a damsel in distress and the person who forces Dom and Brian to like each other. Gisele is about as close as they get to having a female who is interesting but she’s killed off for no real reason other than Han has to die soon as well. Riley wasn’t sleeping with a main character so of course she was evil and therefore it was justified to shoot a harpoon through her gut and splattered her across the tarmac. Elena has the potential to be interesting but as soon as they paired her up with Dom for no reason at all I just couldn’t take her seriously.

At the end of the day I don’t understand the love for this series. There were only a handful of characters that didn’t grate my nerves but they were usually killed or started to do things that made no sense. The blatant disregard for human life was distracting and half the big action scenes were pointless. The people in this universe seem to thrive on doing everything the hard way. I like dumb action movies but after six movies all I find is that Dom and his crew just become more and more unlikable. If you want your audience to get invested in a multi film franchise you need to keep your characters likable and from the moment we found out Dom was the one stealing the TV’s in the first one I haven’t seen him as anything other than a dudebro flexing his muscles and trying to prove to everyone else what a badass he is.

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