Inside the World of Midget Wrestling
This last weekend I was fortunate enough to get to experience something that I’ve only read about in romance novels and the Bible. Midget Wrestling. To be precise, the Micro Wrestling Foundation came to my town, which happens to be College Station, TX. If you don’t know what the fuck a context clue is, College Station is a college town, which sin and debauchery overflow. Naturally, when I heard little people were coming to a local bar to throw each other around for a quick buck, I knew I had to be there. But first, I had to do what any good college student does to make life more fun, drink. So I went to the local burger joint with a few buds, had a couple pitchers of beer, and we were off.
We got to the event a little early, and while we were waiting, one of the wrestlers, Meatball, came out to do some photo ops. There’s no way I could be ballsy enough to ask a midget to let me take a picture with him just because he’s a midget, right? Fuck that. Here at MediaWhoreNetwork we have no shame By the way, the dude’s called Meatball because even though he’s a midget, he weighs 275 pounds. I shit you not. The show begins after the jump.
After a while longer wait, the show began. One way you could really tell about the safety of their midgets was the fact that there was no ring. Just a couple of short men throwing each other around on a normal stage. I mean, hell, if one of them had fallen off the stage, that would have been the same as a real person falling out a second story window.
I honestly can’t remember the first two wrestlers’ names, and they’re not on the MWF website, so you’ll have to bear with me. The first one to come out was a redneck looking guy, complete with mullet, think an Al Borland mini-me. His opponent was a skinny Asian that looked like someone cut out the middle 2/3 of Bruce Lee and then sewn the opposite ends together. I have to say it was a lot like regular wrestling, though you could tell it was more choreographed. The Asian did get thrown from the stage onto the floor where everyone was standing, and the fight resumed in the middle of all of us, which I have to admit was damn cool. After a solid 8 or 9 minutes, Mr. White Trash pinned the Asian guy for a victory.
There was a twenty to thirty minute minute break for all of us to go drink more beer, and then the main fight of the night began. Meatball, the huge motherfucker from before, fought this tiny dude named Blixx, and when I say tiny, I’m not exaggerating, he was 3′ 7″. If you’re dense, I’ll go ahead and tell you it was pretty much no contest. Here’s a short video of the first few minutes of the fight.
It was a fun fight, someone grabbed a pool stick from the pool tables and threw it up on stage, which the fighters quickly used to attack each other, and in an awkward moment, a little anal probing. But, I don’t judge. If midgets want hard, long, wooden sticks shoved up each others’ asses, then it must be part of God’s plan. After a longer match, probably 20 minutes, Meatball conquered Blixx and there was much rejoicing.
The announcer came out and announced that it was Meatball’s birthday that night, and they were holding a special contest. They needed 5 drunk, slutty, morally-lacking college girls to come up and suck on his tongue, and the one that did the best job would win some swag. Now, normally I would find treatment of women like this appalling, but I’m already watching midget wrestling for Christ’s sake, how much lower of a human being can I go? 5 girls went up there, a few of them I wouldn’t fuck with a stolen dick, but a couple of them actually weren’t too bad. The alright looking girls just kissed him then backed off, but those ugly girls…damn, those ugly girls went to town on that midget.
After all 5 went, the chick above was announced the winner, and she won…a shirt. Good job, you just traded all potential dignity you might have ever had for a midget wrestling shirt. You’ll go far in this life. After the makeout competition, well, that was it. I was disappointing on the length too, but shit, didn’t you expect midget wrestling to be pretty short?