Ryan Thomason

Geek Dad Report: Maim, Kill, Destroy But In a Nice Way

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What happens when your kids start getting to that age where they start re-enacting the things that they’ve seen, especially when it comes to fighting? You’re in for a heap of trouble, broken things, lot’s of children’s Band-Aids and a wife giving you “that look”. Yes, that look. The one where you know you’re in deep shit after the kids are put to bed.

Yes, please assault my face with that toy sword

I’ve got a four year old boy who likes Kung Fu Panda or really anything involving, Knights Fighting (especially dragons), Robots Fighting, and Superheroes fighting. Ok, if something is fighting something else and it’s animated in some shape or form, he’s into it. So much so that after viewing said show/movie he’ll go around the house jabbing at things which then turns into Daddy is the “bad guy” so he’s gotta get the crap beat out of him because he stole some coupons. I’ll explain our family fascination with coupons some other time. For now, they serve a purpose as our default currency that has so much value that every incarnation of bad guy/monster I portray wants to steal them. Did I mention that the evil “Mwa Ha Ha” laugh has to be done? It’s strictly enforced, by my son. What, your four year old doesn’t tell you what to do and how to do it? You suck.

So, here I am, with my generic bad guy name of “Daddy Bad Guy” getting wailed on by some form of object all in the spirit of fun. Don’t ask why I have such a horrible bad guy name, I’ve tried on numerous occasions to change it. My son has no ability to name things, if he’s pretending to be a dog, he’s “Puppy Lincoln” if he’s a cat, yup “Kitty Lincoln”. No naming ability whatsoever. When my two year old daughter will decide to join in the midst, now, I know she’s catching on because I’ve witnessed on more than one occasion her walking past her brothers’ toy sword and shield. Then, she’ll slowly backtrack, pick both of them up. Declare that she is a Knight and start attacking the closest stuffed animal while shouting “HEEEYA! HEEYAH!” My wife doesn’t like this. I think of the boys who’ll run away from her so that my little girl can properly groom a suitor.

While all of this makes a father proud, especially a geek dad, when she spins on her brother and smacks him across the face with the same sword, the fun has been drained from the situation. But she’s two, you can explain your ass off as to why they shouldn’t be doing such a thing. They’re TWO, they don’t give a shit what you have to say. Unless it’s “snack” or “play time” or “FOR THE LOVE OF CROM JUST DO WHAT I’M ASKING YOU TO DO” they won’t listen. Now, my oldest he “listens” but doesn’t listen. I don’t get how kids have that innate ability to say and do all the things that push at their parents buttons to drive us on the brink of meltdown, and then do that one adorable thing that makes up for all of it.

Oh, you punched your sister, broke that picture frame and the two of you colored on the white couch? What? Those are pictures of our family you drew on the couch?

OH CROM I LOVE YOU LITTLE MONSTERS.

I’ve come to accept that no matter how you try to raise your kids, they’re going to get destructive and aggressive in some way. Maybe it’s best to just let them get it out of their system when they’re little and you can still dominate the situation in the end. Unlike when they’re some ass of a teenager and they couldn’t give a rats ass to your opinions. Just know your limits, obviously when it comes to violence. Just don’t let your wife know about it when things go bad.

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