Kyle J. Steenblik

Fifty Final Things to do Instead of Watching Fifty Shades Freed

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Fifty Shades Freed
Directed by James Foley
Screenplay by Niall Leonard
Based on Fifty Shades Freed by E. L. James
Starring: Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Kim Basinger, Arielle Kebbel, Max Martini, Brant Daugherty, Luke Grimes, Rita Ora
Production company: Perfect World Pictures, Michael De Luca Productions
Distributed by: Universal Pictures
Release date February 9, 2018
Running time 105 minutes
Rated R for strong sexual content, nudity, and language.

Believing they have left behind shadowy figures from their past, newlyweds Christian and Ana fully embrace an inextricable connection and shared life of luxury. But just as she steps into her role as Mrs. Grey and he relaxes into an unfamiliar stability, new threats could jeopardize their happy ending before it even begins.

This marks the final instalment in the Fifty things to do series from Kaitlyn and Kyle.  If you mist the first two, go back and read Fifty things to do instead of seeing Fifty Shades of Grey, and Fifty more things to do instead of of seeing Fifty Shades Darker.

“Fifty Shades Freed more like Fifty Shades of HELL.” – Kaitlyn Booth

We have finally reached the end of our time with this series. After way too much money and hours of our lives that we’re never getting back this is the final movie in this series. On a purely conceptual level Fifty Shades Freed is probably the least offensive of the three movies in that it’s mostly just boring instead of enraging. There are plenty of reasons to get mad at the first two but by the third we’re all just tired. No one, however, looks more tired of being there than stars Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan. It’s not often we get to watch a movie where it is painfully obvious two people don’t even want to be in the same room together let alone in bed. However, much like the critics in our critics screenings, they can stop checking their watches because this hell is over. There is no reason for anyone to see this movie unless you are somehow invested in this series. In which case you were going to see it anyway so it doesn’t matter.

  1. Check your email before it gets into the triple digits
  2. Start a YouTube channel
  3. Start a podcast
  4. Go after your dream job
  5. Make sure you have a plan B if #4 fails
  6. Tell the women in your life they need better stories that don’t reduce them to either sexual objects fit for conquest.
  7. Also add getting pregnant to that list
  8. Look through the previous versions of these two lists to see if you’ve repeated any
  9. Decide hanging a lampshade on that is good enough and move on
  10. Stretch
  11. Keep a tab of how many media outlets put euphemisms in their headlines about <i>Fifty Shades Freed</i> this weekend
  12. Treat yo’self
  13. But not too much being fiscal responsibility is important
  14. Donate old clothes to charity
  15. Buy yourself a new book and start to read it
  16. Donate to a charity of your choice
  17. Try not to judge people who will see this movie too harshly
  18. Don’t beat yourself up too badly when you fail the former
  19. Give up on your YouTube or podcast dreams because that’s like screaming into the void
  20. Scream into void
  21. Message a family member or friend you haven’t talked to in awhile
  22. Buy a single Funko Pop and watch everyone laugh when you say “no, I’m just buying the one, seriously”
  23. Continue to try and give up the bad habit I told you take up last year
  24. Remember that consensual boinking is the best kind of boinking
  25. Be amazed that I, a professional film critic, have now managed to put the sentence in #24 in not one but two articles

“Fifty Shades Freed, or how I learned to root for the villain.”  – Kyle J. Steenblik

By the time Jack made his triumphant return to terrorize Christian and Ana I was ready to throw my lot in with the villain and cheer on his ridiculous attempt to do something.  I didn’t really care what he did, at long as it was bad, and it made Ana and Christian as miserable as the audience.  Sadly, that didn’t happen, I wad deprived of the promised climax.  I can’t decide if it is intentionally ironic that a film series revolving around BDSM is the pinnacle of deprived torture I can imagine, or if it tragically intended to be genuine.  There are zero redeeming qualities of Fifty Shades Freed, and that is including the nudity, I can’t even imagine a 14-year-old watching this on mute with the fast forward button.  Even a dumpster fire can keep you warm.

  1. Go duck hunting with former Vice-President Dick Cheney
  2. Try butt stuff – google it if you have to
  3. Watch that sex tape your parents made in the 80’s
  4. Talk yourself into learning to play a musical instrument
  5. Learn to play the Contrabassoon
  6. Google “what is a Contrabassoon”
  7. Ask your black friends why they don’t make a White Panther movie
  8. Apologize to your black friends
  9. Go to an Open Mic at a local comedy club
  10. Visit your doctor and get a physical
  11. Engage in an honest conversation with a loved one about consent
  12. Sort your socks and throw out the old ones with holes that you tell yourself are still fine
  13. Stare at the sun for 45 minutes
  14. Listen to someone tell you all the reasons the moon landing was fake without attempting once to convince them that they are wrong.
  15. Sit down and try to think of a list of things that are better than piercing your own genitals
  16. Start the Keto diet
  17. Lookup that old friend from high school and get back in touch
  18. Remember why you lost touch in the first place and realize you will never get your Smashing Pumpkins album back.
  19. Give up on the Keto diet and eat a whole pizza
  20. Open the massive music library you have collected over the years, click shuffle, and don’t skip a single song
  21. Watch Curling live from the South Korea Olympic games
  22. Eat Kale
  23. Read The Grapes of Wrath
  24. Host your own intervention
  25. Visit a sex shop and ask if they sell mentholated butt plugs, buy one when they say yes.

That’s it! we’re done, and we may never ever have to do this again! Please visit Kaitlyn over at Bleeding Cool.

And please catch my Rants and Reels review on YouTube




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