Alan Smithee

Crom Classic: A Weird Kid’s Top 10 — MAN Movies

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So manly, they're gay

There are movies, and then there are MOVIES! Today I hope to share with you my shining examples of the MOVIES that make you glad that you have a dick. You know, the truly testosterone pumped films that blur the line between awesome and homo-erotic. We’ve all seen them hundreds of times but there is no doubting their true awesomeness that strikes a chord deep within our male egos.

Hollywood, in all of its cleft-assholeness has truly forgotten what it is like to make the movie epics that we used to enjoy back in the 80s. I’m talking of course about the movies where you had men as the alpha-male heroes and their big-breasted amazonian women (that always seemed to be in heat) as the subservient part of the species that either needed to be saved, avenged, or protected…you know, the way it should be.

Braveheart

The story of William Wallace is one that all men hope to fufill in their lifetimes, though seldom will because it would involve mass murder…Anyways, dude got married to a lady, she got killed, he got pissed, started war, sexed up a queen, got captured, got tortured, and died screaming “Freedom!”.

This would have ranked much higher on the list if it wasn’t for the fact that most ladies liked this movie (BigPopaGamer) due to there being Mel Gibson in the starring role. That doesn’t make it less MANLY but its hard to get a hard-on at the theater when you’re watching action like that with your wife/girlfriend next to you.

Rambo

Reprising his role as John Rambo, people doubted whether or not Sylvester Stallone (now 60+ years old) would be able to reprise this physically demanding role. But boy did he ever! Let’s just say that 1 guy / (rambo + machinegun) = 1/2 guy = awesome.

Hell, the entire third act of this movie gives me a gore boner and is pure sex…if you are into that kind of thing. I just find it interesting that he managed to kill more people in this movie than he did in the last 3 movies combined! That tells me that if you liked Rambo 1 through Rambo 3, you’ll like this one exponentially more.

The Chronicles of Riddick

Vin Diesel is a fine action hero if given the proper motivation and direction. Don’t ever watch XXX (Triple-X) mainly because of how retarded the script was, but like I said, given good scripts and good direction he’s capable of making some pretty damn good movies, The Chronicles of Riddick being one of those.

The story is mainly a Moses story in space, a huge blahdidy blah overlord of a cult known as the Necromongers killed a whole group of people because one day a fortune teller saw his downfall by the hands of the people he was attempting to extinguish.

The reason this one makes my list is because the character of Riddick is such a complete badass that I’d never want to be on the wrong side of. It’s just too bad that the hardened criminal they made him out to be in the first movie, Pitch Black, is actually a teddy bear that cares for people after all…dawwwww!

Die Hard

All I really have to say for this movie is “Yippie Kay Yay Motherfucker”.

Predator

Let’s see, Jesse Ventura, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Carl Weathers facing off against the giant Kevin Peter Hall in an alien suit…what isn’t there to like?

The scene that sticks out for me as the prime example of manlyness would have to be the scene where Jesse Ventura opens up his mini-gun on the jungle, gets shot, and then the rest of the guys follow suit shortly after laying waste to so much dense vegetation. I guess it’s the whole “there is no cease-fire, only reload” creed that mercenaries go by.

The very existence of a movie like this speaks tomes about the overconfidence that we have as men. Sure, Ah-nold managed to finally defeat the alien at the end of the movie but let’s face facts, the Predator managed to fuck up 9/10 of Arnie’s men.

Gladiator

Russel Crowe may be “Fightin’ ’round the world” on South Park, but there are a few movies to his credit that actually deserve some serious discussion. One of these films is Ridley Scott’s masterpiece Gladiator. Maybe it was the creepy as hell Emperor of Rome played by Joaquin Phoenix, or the truly great action scenes that this movie had, but it seriously sticks out in my head as one of the greatest manly movies in recent history.

My favorite scene in the whole movie is when Russel Crowe’s character decides to take all showmanship out of his fights and comes out and just dispatches his assailants in record time like he was blowing his nose. Unfortunately for you all, there’s no film clips of it on YouTube so you’re stuck with just the trailer for the movie.

Road House

I had to put this one in here just because the movie has Patrick Swayze and Sam Elliott playing bouncers that take no shit from their bars’ patrons. This movie singlehandedly made so many meatheads in the world want to be security in clubs. I just find it funny that there’s no glamor at all with being hired muscle.

The dialog in this movie is laughably bad, but perhaps the best example can be given with the last scene where the townsfolk are attempting to smooth over murdering the movie’s villain with the sheriff when they ask one of the villains’ cronies if he’d seen anything and he responds with just “A polar bear fell on me.” I just cringe thinking of this scene….though the movie does have a saving scene, where Swayze rips the throat out of his opponent (see 1:58 in the video above).

Army of Darkness

For any of you doubters or haters out there, you should know this…Bruce Campbell is an example of MAN that is often overlooked due to his penchant for being in a ton of B-Movies. I feel however that Army of Darkness is nothing of the sort.

The movie encompasses so many different genres that it is genius. You get the fantasy story of Ash being in the middle ages fighting against the Deadites, you get comedy (just watch the graveyard scene above to see exactly what I mean), you get romance, and you also have a bit of Sci-Fi mixed in as well. All in all, you can do no wrong when you decide to sit down and watch this movie.

300

The first thing that I ever caught Gerard Butler in was The Phantom of the Opera and I quite enjoyed him as the titular character. Though it wasn’t until I saw him playing King Leonidas in 300 that I really started to enjoy the man’s area of expertise. Besides the fact that he had a hard time letting go of the Scottish accent, he played that role perfectly.

It wasn’t just Leonidas that made this movie manly…it was the other 2 dozen or so mens that were dripping testosterone as they deftly dispatched the minions of Xerxes back in 480 BC. There is nothing more manly than staring death in the face and laughing at it.

Perhaps my favorite scene in all of 300 is when they are killing the wounded Persians after a short battle without even giving it a second thought, all the while King Leonidas is eating an apple and discussing tactics with his lieutenants and says the forever immortal line “Besides, there’s no reason we can’t be civil, is there?” (the scene starts at 2:56)

Conan The Barbarian

I can think of no better movie to top this list. Conan The Barbarian has it all, rippled muscle men fighting with swords, large animals getting punched, titties, blood, and dismemberment. You just can’t ask for a more manly movie.

The penultimate scene where James Earl Jones’s gets decapitated and Conan throws his head down a huge stairwell is perhaps my favorite scene in any movie, ever.

Let’s not downplay the fact that some of the best man dialogue was spoken in this movie too. The scene where Conan is awaiting the attack at the mounds he pray to Crom in one of the most repeated and inspiring speeches:

“Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you will remember if we were good men or bad, why we fought, or why we died. No, all that matters is that two stood against many, that’s what’s important. Valor pleases you, Crom, so grant me one request, grant me REVENGE! And if you do not listen, then the hell with you!”

Point Break

Ah a manly movie so bad that they had to lampoon it in Hot Fuzz. Don’t get me wrong guys, I’ve seen this movie soooooo many times in my youth it’s not even funny. I for some reason always enjoyed the story of Johhny Utah, a former Ohio State quarterback who became an FBI agent that goes undercover as a surfer to find out who is pulling off various bank robberies…..hey wait a minute I just realized that this movie is exactly like The Fast and The Furious. Also, Patrick Swayze and Gary Busey FTW!

Shit, I never realized how this movie was completely ripped off by TFaTF, just replace surfing with car racing and ta-daa you have your movie. Man, I need to re-evaluate how easily amuse we guys truly are…

Well, this concludes yet another Weird Kid’s Top 10 list. I hope you all enjoyed reading it. I know for certain that there are many of you out there that will disagree with some of my choices for this list, but keep in mind that this is in no way a definitive listing nor is it meant to be taken seriously. Its all for fun, just enjoy reading and take something away with you or leave a comment if you so wish.

If you have a particular Top 10 that you’d like to see, and I’d be happy to oblige. Thank you again for reading. See you next time!

[This article was originally posted on Jan 18th, 2009. You can find the original here]

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