Ryan Thomason

Cannes Film Festival Winners (Or How to Sound Like a Fancy Pants at Work)

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Didn’t pay attention to anything coming out of the Cannes Film Festival other than whatever the hell the entertainment shows were pumping out of who wore what/did something scandalous/slutted it up/got straight up BANNED from the Festival? Neither did we, but here are the winners so you can sound like you’re sophistimacated.

So make sure you come into work wearing your fancy outfit (top hat and monocle for the gentleman, whatever the heck is fancy for ladies) stand by the water cooler all day and just spout out the names of the winners. IF someone has the balls to ask you what you thought about the movies, JUST MAKE IT ALL UP. It’s not like they will fact check on you, nobody will see these movies anyways or be able to spell the names of such obvious foreigners so you might as well make a sporting good event out of it! All things aside, you might want to just touch up on Melancholia which is being released in Scandinavia with no US or Canadian distribution in site. (trailer below), because everyone knows who Kirsten Dunst (rawr) is, oh and she apparently has a nude scene in the movie, if you’re interested in that kind of thing. Other than that you’re in the clear smarty pants.

YOU WILL SEE FEMALE BREASTS IN THIS TRAILER (NSFW)

The Palme d’Or winner: The Tree Of Life, dir. Terrence Malick
The Grand Prix: A tie between The Kid with a Bike, dirs. Jean-Pierre and Luc Dardenne; and Once Upon A Time In Anatolia, dir. Nuri Bilge Ceylan.
Best Director: Nicolas Winding Refn for Drive
Best Actor: Jean Dujardin for The Artist
Best Actress: Kirsten Dunst for Melancholia
Best Screenplay Joseph Cedar for Footnote
The Jury Prize: Maïwenn for Polisse
Camera d’Or: Las Acacias, dir. Pablo Giorgelli,
Short Film Palme d’Or: Cross-Country, dir. Maryna Vroda

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