Alan Smithee

Buy Your Children The Goonies NOW!

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I can only speak for myself when I declare that The Goonies is perhaps one of the best movies ever made. I know that the story is a bit disjointed and there are some continuity issues in some scenes but I can forgive them all when I watch the movie as I would have watched it when it came out, as a wide-eyed youth that knew nothing of good camera work or the importance of good plot.

Watching the movies that I loved as a child with my adult-who-took-too-many-humanities-classes-in-college mentality nearly ruins every single film. I thought at one time that Robot Jox was an awesome movie…I go back and watch it and its abysmal. The same can be said about movies like Bloodsport, Solar Babies, Total Recall, and many others, they just don’t stand the test of time. On the other hand, The Goonies still works as entertainment to both sides of my psyche.

Its hard to explain, maybe its seeing young Josh Brolin and young Sean Astin playing characters that reminded me of how tenuous a relationship between brothers can be, or maybe its poor obese little Chunk whose portrayal of the stereotypical fat-kid that all groups of friends had in their midst that makes this a classic piece of truly American pop culture. By the way, I was THAT fat-kid growing up and my life was forever changed with three words that would haunt me up until my adult life, “The Truffle Shuffle”.

Any slightly chubby kid that was born in the eighties had to perform this humiliating task for some reason or another at least once in their life, it was a right of passage for all us. Luckily for us fat kids we were completely redeemed by the end of the movie by Chunk befriending the simple yet loving and strong Sloth and having them both come to the Goonies’ rescue.

Enough of the characters really, I want to talk about something I noticed as an adult that really set the gears in my mind into motion and had me thinking of this post. Did you notice that for a movie that got a PG rating that they say the word “shit” at least twice that I can recall? How about the dead bodies scattered throughout the movie? Surely we’ve become more open-minded society in the 22 years since this movie graced the theater and PG allows even more today, haven’t we? I highly doubt it.

I think that if this movie were to come out in 2008 it would garner nothing less than PG-13, once again showing that we’ve become a nation of overprotective parents who try to keep our kids away from foul language and the occasional penis joke (remember the scene where they break the dick off the statue of David). If it weren’t for movies like this during my childhood that stretched what my parents thought of as appropriate for kids, I wouldn’t be the twisted person I am today.

I can only hope that when I bring up my daughter, that she’ll enjoy watching crap movies as much as I did. I’m going to try my damnedest to make sure that she’s not just another Yu-Gi-Oh lovin’ Hannah Montana obsessed tween. I guess that means that I have to get her started early watching stuff like Star Wars, Willow, and most importantly The Goonies. I just can’t wait for her first impressions of Sloth going “Heeeeyyyyyy you guyyyyys!” or even if she did a “Baby Wooth?!”, I’d be so proud and feel like I did my job as a parent by getting her to love one piece of my childhood that I hope never goes away.

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