Broken Story – On My Way To Work This Morning

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Dramatic Reenactment.
Mason Will be played by Ben Affleck
Assmunch will be played by Kevin Smith

Setting and Time – 8:00 PM Last Night – My House
*Ring Ring*
Ben >> “Hello?”
Kevin >> “Hello Mason. How do you feel about 5:00AM?”
Ben >> “I don’t”
Kevin >> “*company named bleeped out* needs someone to come in and turn the servers on because they need to remote install. Some programmer in England. Get to work by 5:00AM. You’ll get to go home early.”
*Phone line dies*
Ben >> Asshole

So I managed to get up at 3:45 in the morning. *Note to self, Do not set phone to ‘High’ ringer volume again. Phone’s Alarm woke neighbors quarter mile away.* After several attempts of falling back to sleep, every attempt thwarted by some devious asshole named Me who set a second and third alarm to go off at precise moments when I would fall back asleep. I managed to get my tired sleepy ass up and into the shower.

Entertaining thoughts of murdering every single person in the eastern hemisphere in order to prevent this from ever happening again, mix with thoughts of conquering Europe and making them change their timezones so it matches up with America. Hey, it’s my god damn shower time, I’ll think about what I want to assholes.

So I get dressed and into my car and start pulling out of the garage. when I notice a slight breeze. My passenger car side window is down. Well shit, that’s not good. its 4:20 and its fucking freezing out.
*Click* *Click* *Click* *ClickityClickClickityCLickClickClickClickCLICKITYCLICKCLICKCLICK*
“SON OF A WITCH!!”
My window isn’t rolling up or down. It’s stuck.

Deciding there is not much I can do but making a mental note that I need to assassinate the designers of the Ford Mercury Villager, I take off for work.

I’m about 10 minutes out when I realize its really gosh darn cold out. When I say I realize this, I mean my nipples are so hard they’ve ripped through my shirt hulk hogan style. It’s THAT cold.
So I pull over and pull out a spare jacket that I keep in my car. It’s an old green carhart jacket; the kind made from rough canvas-y material designed to keep the wind out while your riding your horses. It’s not designed for sub zero polar bear temperatures but for cold mornings it’s perfect.
And yes before you ask, I do not have heating in my car. It broke several years ago along with the AC and I’m too poor to fix. Not so bad during the summer, I just roll my window down and stick my head out like a dog.

I get about 5 minutes down the road and I realize I can’t feel my face anymore. A breeze had been coming in through my right side window which I had continued to futz with  to try and get to work as I drove. Anyway, the breeze had numbed the right side of my face.
So, being the sort of ingenious person i am. i took off my white undershirt and wrapped it around my head.
It’s Hulk Hogan nipple shirt tearing cold out there. You make do with what you can.

So I am driving along, futzing with my automatic windows, pressing the window lock button (it’s the button that prevents other people from futzing with their window. I’m pretty sure that’s what causing the right side passenger window to not work properly at this point)

Anyway, so I am driving along in the middle of the night, remarking how nice is it to drive these streets when everybody else is at home in bed sleeping. It’s the last home stretch, I’ve got maybe 10 more minutes of driving… and my left hand is cold.
So…. I do what they teach you in boy scouts to do when your hands are cold.
Stuck them in my pants.
I shit you not, that’s the best place to stick your hands when they are cold. It sounds disgusting and it is… but its effective.. although sometimes painful.

And then the cop lights behind me go off.

That’s right. I stuck my hand in my pants right as a cop was pulling me over.

Now, I’m freaking out at this point. I don’t want to keep said hand in my pants but I don’t want to pull it out. The last thing I need is a bullet to the back of my hand because I made sudden movements. So I lean over and pull out my information and hold it ready to give to the cop.

The cop comes out and walks up alongside the car and stops outside of my window.
“License and Reg *audible pause* istration please.
At this point i realize its a female officer.
“Well?”
Iturn to look at her and I am thinking ‘You’ve got a shirt tied around your head. Your bat nipples can be seen through your shirt. You’ve got your hand in your crotch. There is nothing you can say that will get you out of this.’
“Officer, there is no fucking way in hell I could explain everything to you and have you believe me.”
“Try me.”

So I told her

She didn’t believe me

She did not however give me a ticket.

So now its 5:30. It’s still too god damn early in the morning and I wish I was at home sleeping.

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