Broken Rant – My Fat Stupid Co-worker

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You know what really torques me off? More so then reruns of Big Brother, Lost marathons and fat people who blame their weight problems on corporations rather then on the fact that they shovel McDonalds into their pieholes everyday?

What really torques me off is poor management personnel. More specifically my fat co-worker Dave.

I work as an IT Tech for a drilling company. For the sake of some legal issues, I will not say where or for who. Apart from that I am going to share a lot of info to build context and to vent.

This company is rapidly expanding. In the last two years, we have gone from 400 to 800 employees (most work out at the rigs). We’ve expanded the IT department from two networks with roughly four computers between them, to two networks with two servers on one network and five servers on the other.

We’ve recently purchased a ton of computers for the first network to upgrade, and eventually will remove the two original servers. Needless to say, the IT department has expanded very rapidly. This has resulted in a need for more then just a singular IT guy (me).

Enter Dave, a very very smart MCSE/MCT system admin who works for us in the afternoon, after he takes care of another network in the mornings. Dave serves as my supervisor as well as our primary DB programmer. His primary programming duty is to work on a human resources database that I started in MS Access.

Since his arrival, we’ve migrated the Access database to a SQL server and it’s been working great and has grown to the point where most of the company uses it on a regular basis. Dave, however…to put it bluntly, is not a people person…In much the same way Hitler was not a nice guy.

Picture a short fat man, dress him up in sneakers and sweat pants (because jeans don’t fit), give him a bad pony-tail combined with a bald scalp, and then give him a large bushy salt and pepper beard…that is Dave. I shit you not, he looks like a ugly version of Santa Claus.

Dave’s problems are not his lousy dressing habits, although he has taken some effort to clean himself up a little by wearing a nice collared shirt with his sweat pants and sneakers. I myself, usually wear cargo pants and an untucked t-shirt. You have to take into consideration that only being paid $10 an hour verses the $45+ me makes, so it’s understandable if I am a little lax.

Dave’s problems stem from the fact that he is as emotionally mature as a 4 year old child. If you add that it has to be ‘his way or the high way’ and I think you can see why most people don’t like him. I have fought for over a year to keep him employed with the company because nobody likes him.

None of the women will work with him because every single one of them are creeped-out by him, while most of the male employees barely tolerate him.

Dave was hired for two specific reasons: to help train me into being a better network administrator (which he has done) and to build the human resource database (also done). Somewhere along the way, he has managed to align himself with the company’s vice-presidents in order to take on a supervisory position, overseeing the IT department.

Dave has also managed to become a project leader for two new projects coming in. The above mentioned servers that are arriving, and a new DC3 line that’s coming in. Here’s the catch, both of the outside contractors have made it clear they don’t want to deal with Dave. It seems that his reputation for causing problems and stirring up trouble precedes him.

Dave insists that he is not doing anything wrong and insists the contractors are screwing over our company.

The contractor providing us the DC3 has made it clear to me that he is actually not making any money off this project because of our long standing work we have done with them. The accusation that Dave has made has almost cost us our business with this contractor who is not only working very hard to get this DC3 line in but also runs internet service for 3 of our companies, as well as service for many of our homes.

It gets even better. Our Dell service rep has requested that all purchases go through me after Dave attempted to purchase some new servers and then accused the service guy of not actually knowing anything about servers in general and called him an idiot. What do you know? The service guy was good at his job.

I could forgive his personal quirks. I had to apologize to all of the contractors on his behalf and promised that in the future I would serve as a buffer between them so they would not have to deal with Dave.

I’m not an angry person. I spent a long time in therapy coming out of high school to verify that.

With that being said, I threw my cell phone…I threw it so hard it went THROUGH my garage door, aluminum plating and all. The phone went through it as if it was paper. I found the phone this morning smashed to pieces. I’ve got it replaced, but the phone is coming out of my paycheck.

What set me off you ask?

Dave of course! The little snot-nosed short piece of lard called me up at 8:30 PM (a full 3 hours after business hours) to yell at me because I did not keep him up to date with DSL information. Apparently I had told him earlier that we had two DSL lines put in to help boost our upload speeds for our web servers and I had not informed him that the lines were in place. On top of that, I had failed to mention that we had the hardware in place.

So he says “August, I want you to give me your laptop for the weekend.” “Say what?” I respond. “Yes, I want your laptop for the weekend as punishment for your failure to not inform me, your supervisor, on what is going on in the other buildings” Dave replied.

At this point, I flip out and tell him he can go to hell and kiss my ass in the process (my favorite line btw; everyone has one. Mine just happens to be kiss my ass).

Dave then begins to scream over the phone. I got sick of it, layed down the phone, went for a drink, came back, and by then the man has grown slightly horse from yelling. He’s finally managed to calm down and asks me for the owner of the particular contractor in charge of putting in the DSL.

I don’t normally give out that sort of information, but Dave promised to be on his best behavior and just wanted a status update. I said, “okay Dave,” and gave him the cell phone number and added in a “You’re still not getting my laptop!” at which point I hung up.

NOT 15 FUCKING MINUTES LATER…I get a phone call from said owner who is now pissed off all to hell because of…Dave! I spend 30 minutes trying to calm this contractor down so he doesn’t pull his services (losing us two T1 lines but a new DS3 line that is coming in).

By the time I was done with him, I was fit to be tied and threw my phone into the driveway.

I started my day at 7:00 AM with three missed calls from guess who? Dave!

The worst thing is that if Dave had asked me at any point about the status was for things before today, I would have been happy to tell him. I keep track of a lot of things in MS Outlook and my head but if he doesn’t ask me, I won’t volunteer it simply because i have other things on my mind. Everyone in the whole fucking company fucking knows this and sends me reminders to take care of things because of this.

So in closing, FUCK YOU Dave! You fat piece of computer programming lard!

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