What ho!

[Image Source: Alice Tams at Birds in Hats]

Good evening, lords and ladies of the internet. If I could coax you to come down from hurling rotted produce at commoners from atop your parapets, I would like to address you in earnest. As I’m sure you know, I am Sir Reginald Q. Pigeon. I was recently knighted by Her Majesty for my gallant efforts to educate humans in the ways of popcorn (specifically the throwing on the ground thereof).

Now that I have finished my mission and made the world a better place for all pigeon-kind, I have taken up a new task. I have deemed it appropriate to deign to answer the queries plaguing the minds of the unwashed masses, in order to improve the quality of their miserable lives, and (most importantly) to demonstrate the proper way to participate in discourse. Of course, this selfless task is meant to teach the blighted heathens how to speak with one who is of a much higher caste than themselves, in case some of you fine, upstanding people ever have the extreme misfortune to run across such rabble and are forced to order him or her to fetch you a fine scotch or to lay his tatty coat over a mud puddle so that you can cross it.

And so, without further ado, your burning questions answered:

Anonymous Asks:

Coke or Pepsi?

Sir Reginald Q. Pigeon

Neither. I prefer my Scotch either on the rocks or with just a splash of club soda; No cola. Also: Caffeine is toxic to birds.

Anonymous Asks:

Hey mister pigeon, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?

Sir Reginald Q. Pigeon

I’ve consulted the leading researcher in the field, one Mr. Owl (perhaps you’ve heard of him), and after reviewing his findings and testing them in my own lab, I’ve come to the conclusion that the owl is nothing but an errant fraud! It seems that he’s been duping unsuspecting children out of their sugary treats for years!

You can read all about this in my paper on the subject: How Many Licks Does it Take to Get to the Center of Corruption, but for the laymen out there who cannot be bothered with such intellectual pursuits, the answer is approximately 508 licks.

Anonymous Asks:

Reginald if you were a part of The 3rd Street Saints, what would the boss have you do?

Sir Reginald Q. Pigeon

The Saints?! I’d never count myself among those ruffians! Why, just the very thought of roaming around town with a gun in my beak, cavorting around with no regard for the rabble around me, taking all the popcorn I please… It sounds… strangely pleasant, actually. Perhaps I shall inquire as to whether they have need of a refined avian “banger.”

I simply hope they don’t force me to wear that ghastly shade of purple. I’d hate to deprive the world of seeing my majestic plumage.

Anonymous Asks:

Have you ever seen the Pigeon Man episode of ‘Hey Arnold!’? I think you’d like it.

Sir Reginald Q. Pigeon 

I did like it, anonymous question asker. That man is a saint. I particularly enjoyed the bit where the pigeons tore off the evil children’s faces for trifling with him.

I also enjoyed the episode about Stoop Kid. I too know the fear of leaving stoops, as I have grown quite attached to a number of stoops in my time; however, in my long two years of life, I’ve learned that you can’t always cling to a stoop and sometimes you have to let go of the stoops you love, especially if someone is about to tread on you for loitering on their stoop.

Anonymous Asks:

Do you believe there’s intelligent life on other planets?

Sir Reginald Q. Pigeon

I am not sure, but if there is life outside this planet’s atmosphere, I can only hope that when they descend

to Earth, that they withhold the popcorn from man that man has withheld from pigeons for millennia.

For the benefit of the uneducated reader, popcorn is being used here as both an ingenious metaphor for the secrets to the mysteries of the universe and as a reference to a delicious snack that should be dropped on the ground more often.

Anonymous Asks:

Pigeon, I was going to drop popcorn on the ground, but then you asked me to and then I decided not to. Thoughts?

Sir Reginald Q. Pigeon

How dare you taunt me, you… you blackguard! I’ve got half a mind to give you what for!

My, my… Calm down old boy. Musn’t get my feathers ruffled over every lowborn commoner who slings jeers at you.

I say, sir, why don’t you slink back to the opium den from whence you came and vex me no further.

Anonymous Asks:

Why is Team Fortress 2 so popular with furies?

Sir Reginald Q. Pigeon 

Mr. Anonymous, while I may be well versed in most any subject you care to inquire about, I am but a humble pigeon and cannot speak to the whims of the Gods.

When the Titan Cronus castrated his father, Uranus, the Furies, or Erinyes, were born of the droplets of blood as his reproductive organs were cast into the sea.

It has long been a point of fact that soon after, the Erinyes started up a Team Fortress 2 server and have been playing it ever since. On their server, any foul play is met with swift and terrible vengeance. Playing on their server is not advised however, as the Furies tend to scream constantly over voice chat. While most Erinyes play the Pyro class, some have been known to use the Scout. Unsurprisingly, no Fury has ever been known to play Medic.

And so ends our time together, dear readers. But fear not, for as long as there is popcorn to be had or deep mysteries of the universe to be delved, Sir Reginald Q. Pigeon will be there. If you are of good blood and have a burning question that only a pigeon of my stature can handle, send it to my formspring account at Formspring.me/Birdgeoisie. Good evening.

The post Up With the Birdgeoisie: Reginald Q. Pigeon Answers Your Questions appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

In America-speak, that means they’re making a One Piece Dynasty Warriors game.

Details are scant, but what can be gleaned from the teaser site is this: It’s a Bandai-Namco/Tecmo-Koei crossover and the only system being talked about right now is the PS3. Of course, it’s Japan only at this time, so it makes sense that there’s no talk of the Xbox. Even so, If this game ever gets brought over to the states, I’ll eat my hat. Fans of the series who don’t instinctively hate Musou games (which is probably just me) better get ready to throw some cash at getting this imported when it’s finally released.

The post One Piece: Kaizoku Musou Confirmed appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

This only lends more credibility to the Tim Schafer x Cookie Monster fanfic I’ve been writing.

The post Video: Tim Schafer Bumps Into The Cookie Monster appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

Ever since I moved out of the south to a place where people do cool things like playing nerdy tabletop games and not beating up people who play nerdy tabletop games, I’ve had a newfound interest in nerdy tabletop games. I decided to check out the Penny Arcade card game knowing that the game would probably be pretty funny, at the very least. Little did I know that after a 20 minute demo of the game, I would be compelled to buy it, and that it would end up being one of the highlights of my PAX trip this year.

First off, let me just say that this game is hilarious. It is not uncommon to be asked to Touchweiners with your opponent, or to be asked if it is legal to “Twisp your Scrotuum.” Don’t worry, it’s even funnier with context, but the “I touched wieners” button I got for trying the game was a source of constant jokes and funny looks from passersby.

The game doesn’t lean on it’s humor for a crutch, either. It’s a solid game that has been just as fun every time I’ve played it. I’m told it takes its cues from another card game called Dominion (which I’ve never played), so if you’ve played Dominion, you should be in familiar territory. If not, the PA game is a deckbuilding game. 14 pools of cards are laid on the middle of the table, 7 of which are the green (gamer) cards and the other 7 of which are red (evil) cards. At the beginning of the game, you’re given an allotment of quarter cards and cardboard tube cards based on which character you’ve chosen. You shuffle these into your deck, then draw 6 cards and use them to purchase the cards in the middle. The main goal of the game is to kill one of the two bosses, which are also in the middle of the table. Once you can amass enough tokens or power (given to you by the cards in your hand) you can take a whack at one of the bosses and take one it its loot cards, which are always super devastating. Once one of the bosses runs out of loot cards, the game is over and the players count the victory points on the cards in his deck. The player with the most victory points wins. This all seems super complicated, and there’s no doubt that there’s a lot of subtle strategy in building your deck, but grasping the basics of this game takes hardly any time at all. The game’s release is set for October of this year, and you can get it at Cryptozoic’s website or wherever cool tabletop games are sold.

If tabletop games are your thing, you’re definitely going to want to check this one out. If tabletop games aren’t your thing, you should try this one, because it’s a lot of fun. Either that or move to the south. You might like it there.

The post PAX 2011: Penny Arcade The Game: Gamers vs Evil appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

From the minds of Ace Team, the nice people who brought you Zeno Clash, comes another game with a distinctive artstyle and an interesting premise. Rock of Ages is, at its core, a tower defense game. Two doors sit closed on either side of a gauntlet. You play against another player, either locally or over Xbox Live, and each of you set up defenses in front of your door; then each player attempts to roll their rock into the other’s door as quickly as possible. Doing so will earn you extra money with which to buy more defenses or to upgrade your rock. It’s very fast paced, and promises to be a lot of fun. I had a bit of a hard time with the camera controls while rolling my rock, but otherwise really enjoyed my short time with the game.

I really look forward to seeing the game progress through different eras of art history and the way they will change how the game looks. This bad boy is available tomorrow on Xbox Live Arcade and will be soon followed by a Playstation Network release, so go pick it up.

The post PAX 2011: Rock of Ages appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

Nintendo is gracing us with another installment of the Rhythm Heaven series, this time on the Wii. The demo that was available on the show floor this year had three games available, all of which were a blast (and can be seen in the video below). In the first game, someone flicks peas in the direction of your fork, which you have to skewer to the beat of the song playing. In the second, You play a samurai who is battling demons. The demons will attack you and you’ll have to slice them in half to the beat of the music, even when your vision is obscured by the story of the samurai and his family, which flashes on the screen to distract you. In the third game, you are a dog flying a biplane and playing badminton with a cat who is also flying a biplane. If any of this sounds strange to you, you have obviously never played a rhythm heaven game; this also means that you are a plebe.

The big news from the demo is that there will be NO WAGGLE in Rhythm Heaven for the Wii. This is great news for fans of buttons everywhere.

Also: if you miss a beat and a demon attacks the samurai, he does a Wilhelm Scream. Amazing.

The post PAX 2011: Rhythm Heaven appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

Derek Yu’s insanely difficult, incredibly addicting free PC game is slowly but surely making its march to Xbox Live Arcade with an improved artstyle as well as 4 player co-op and deathmatches. Unfortunately, the multiplayer will be local only, but it looks like it runs great; I particularly like the racial stereotypes you get to play as, such as the indian guy with a turban and the tiger-loinclothed islander.

It should be available on Xbox Live Arcade by the end of this year.

The post PAX 2011: Spelunky appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

The premise behind Fez is that it’s a 2D platforming game with a distinctive, retro artstyle and a game mechanic that revolves around changing the perspective of the camera, showing the landscape from different angles, which allows you to reach previously unreachable areas. Seeing this mechanic in action is always impressive, and it’s a very fun puzzle mechanic to play with. Just describing it doesn’t do it justice (which is why there is a video at the bottom of this post).

As far as gameplay goes, I thought the jumping was a little bit floaty, but not so much as to make it awkward. What I really enjoyed was the attention to small details, like the music becoming muffled when your character is behind a wall. I’m also a huge fan of the chunky-pixel artstyle that Polytron have created.

I can easily say that Fez is my game of the show. I will be waiting for this to hit XBLA like a two year old child waiting for a juice cup. That is to say not very patiently.

The post PAX 2011: Fez Impressions appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

Once you hear the premise of Snapshot, one of the games featured in the PAX 10 this year, it’s one of those games that you know immediately whether you have to play it or not.
Snapshot is a puzzle platformer in which you play a robot who can take pictures of certain objects on the screen, which pics them up and traps them in the photograph. You can then place the objects elsewhere in the map to reach places which would be impossible otherwise. It’s made by Retro Affect, who also made the incredible flash game Depict1, which I did a Time Well Wasted on a while back. The platforming is tight and the photo mechanics are very interesting. I wasn’t able to get into the meat of the puzzling aspect of the game, but I’m sure they’ll be good.

It’s due out very soon, most likely this fall, and you’ll see it on PC and Playstation 3.

The post PAX 2011: Snapshot appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

Rolling through the PAX floor, I see the Mojang booth. I expected to see a bit of Scrolls, their mysterious upcoming game, but instead find Cobalt. Cobalt is being published by Mojang and developed by OXEYE Studios. It’s a 2D action game described by their website asa game of “game of running, jumping, rolling, shooting, throwing, dancing, hacking, rolling, flying, sliding, climbing, looting, deflecting, racing, pinata-ing, passing, scoring… and even more rolling.”

In actuality it’s a fun little co-op and versus game with a fair amount of depth to it. It has all the inevitable game modes, like deathmatch and capture the flag. You can pick up melee weapons, various guns, and throwing weapons and try to destroy your friends or the computer (which is a formidable adversary). It will be launched for PC, but could be coming to Xbox 360 at some point in the future. Either way, it will launch with online co-op and versus.

It’s set to release later this year, so be on the lookout.

The post PAX 2011: Cobalt appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

Rusty Hearts is a massively multiplayer 3D brawler being developed by Perfect World. It’s made for pc, and as such was designed to be played with a mouse and keyboard. It can, however, be played with a gamepad, which is how I experienced it.  My first impression was that the game was akin to a 3D version of Dungeon Fighter, and this is not far from the truth. There is a lot of gear to collect, a hub world to piddle about in, and a skill bar resembling most every MMO you’ve ever played down at the bottom. Handling the large amount of skills while in combat with the gamepad was less than intuitive. However, if you’re interested in a free-to-play online brawler with nice cel-shaded graphics and an interesting Victorian/Eastern European Gothic art style, then Rusty hearts may be right up your alley.

The beta will be open to everyone later this year, so get ready to get your hack and slash on for the free.

The post PAX 2011: Rusty Hearts Impressions appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

What is best in life? To blog your opinions, see them published before you, and to hear the lamentations of the commenters. Of course, throwing someone a first class beatdown is nice too. That’s why, in the spirit of the Week of Crom, I’ve asked the WPR crew what they prefer to be carrying when going to smash someone about the face and neck.

Evan Burkey

My weapon is a stick with a string on it, and tied to the string is a copy of Biodome on DVD.

All shall fall before the power of Biodome.

Ryan Thomason
THIS.

Not only would I be able to crush my enemies in single combat, as they cower at the size of my weapon of choice but prove to them that I don’t in fact have a small penis and they should never have suggested so.

I could take out whole legions of them in a single swipe. None would dare enter the 20 foot radius that is my giant ass sword.

In my single swipe, I could not only bathe in the blood of my enemies as Crom demands it, but use my sword to surf on the title wave of blood that spouts forth from the lifeless corpses of entire armies.

This also serves as my finishing move and grand exit all in one finely done package.

Praise be Crom, in all his glory.

James Helsby

The same weapon I have always used.

My 42″ louisville slugger with 10″ Lug screws drilled through it in random arrangement.  Extra ordinarily destructive, but a little hard to clean the carnage off.  But that is usually ok. Bringing a head along with the back swing just makes for extra artillery. Usually I will then dunk my kill in the fat of my prior kills, and set the skull on fire. Extra effectiveness.

My signature move is the ‘orphan’. Where by I swing my bat low, and upon contact with the exposed reproductive organs, a strong pull is used. This not only tears open all three of the iliac arteries (groin) (causing almost certain death) but has the nice benefit of removing my enemies nuts. No nuts, no breading. No breading, no future army.

Two birds with one stone. or bat.

Ryan Wilson

A Justin Bieber piñata…full of bees. Need I say more?

My signature move is called the “15 Minutes of Fame”, where I shove the bee filled piñata on my enemy’s head, film them as they flail around wildly, then post the video on Youtube.

Scott Mason

“Hence to fight and conquer in all your battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy’s resistance without fighting.”  – Sun Tzu

In keeping true to one of Sun Tzu’s principles, I use the Worldslayer.

Armies and nations bow to my rule as soon as I arrive at their shores for fear that I will destroy life itself with one fell swoop.

Jeff Seale

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Man-flail. I believe it speaks for itself.

Dennis Baquedano

My weapon consists of me rushing into a army of a million men, dieing in bloody victory where my soul decends unto the underworld for the killing and murder of so many others, while my soul wanders the depths of evil I will come across a banshee who I will seduce, and eventually capture. I will take said banshee and return to my fallen body after which I will use the spectral hairs of the banshee to tie her to a shield thus giving me a banshee shield to melt the brain of my foes.

Xopher Reed

My razor wit is my weapon of choice, there’s nothing quite like being able to rip your opponent’s willpower to shreds by making fun of his/her physical appearance, the possibility of mental retardation, and what various evening habits their mother may has committed in recent memory.

So there you have it; Our ultimate weapons. Feel free to tell us your weapon of choice in the comments below.

The post WPR Discusses: Weapons of Choice appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

This'll put hair on your chest. And your back. And your tongue.

Ladies and ladymen, I give you The Cromsmopolitan, the only shot served in a bucket.

Ingredients

• A bottle of Absinthe stolen from a French abbey in 1895
• A mason jar filled with shoddily made, blindness inducing moonshine
• Bull Semen (for virility)
• A tequila worm taken from the stomach of Pancho Villa during his autopsy
• Adrenochrome (made from the adrenal gland of a live human)
• A shot of grenadine (what? Grenadine is in lots of manly drinks… like… Shut up!)
• A bottle of Jack Daniels (one of the foulest substances known to man)
• Stem cells
• Wedge of lime

The proper procedure for taking a shot of Cromsmopolitan is to take the wedge of lime, squeeze it into your open eye, then pour the shot over the arching back of a nubile slave girl who was formerly an ethiopian princess.

The post Manly Drink for Men: The Cromsmopolitan appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

We’ve seen a lot of very conventional Man Meals this week, but Crom laughs at these meals. He laughs from his mountain! This is a recipe for a cake I found in a dusty box of my great-grandfather’s belongings. It was found underneath a bunch of Hustlers, a box of menthol cigarettes, and a gun. Unfortunately, there are no pictures of this cake. Every picture that was ever taken of this cake spontaneously combusted upon developing.

I don’t recommend making this cake, but if you do decide to attempt it, I advise you to have a plan to kill it before going in.

Crom Cake

Ingredients:
1 turkey
1 plate of onion rings
1 plate of potato skins
1 plate of fried jalapenos
1 plate of nachos
1 bag of pork rinds
2 eggs
1 bag of concrete
1 pan of day old bacon grease
50 slim jims
1 box of nails

• Layer 1: Stuff a turkey with onion rings, potato skins, fried jalapenos, and pork rinds. Uppercut it into the oven and bake it for 3 days. place turkey into a cylindrical pan, and fill pan with concrete.
• Layer 2: bread a plate of nachos with beer batter and deep fry it (plate and all).
• Stick both layers into the oven. While baking, crush 2 eggs in your hands and imagine the feeble heads of your enemies.
• Pull both layers out of the oven, stick one on top of the other (nachos on top of turkey cinder block, stupid).
• Frost cake with day old bacon grease.
• Garnish with slim jims and nails.

There you have it. The manliest cake ever conceived. Go ahead and try to make it if you want, but don’t blame me when your cake-homunculus awakes from it’s long slumber with an unquenchable thirst for blood. That’s your deal, man.

The post Man Meal: Crom Cake appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

“A proper guest never overstays her welcome,” croons the Red Queen as you jump from one platform to another for what seems like the millionth time; Perhaps Spicy Horse, American Mcgee’s Chinese development house, could have taken that advice for themselves.

Alice: Madness Returns is the sequel to American Mcgee’s Alice, a cult hit from a bygone era, and since Madness Returns comes with a copy of the first game on it I decided to play through it, wanting to see everything the series had to offer. At least that was my mindset going into the first game. It wasn’t long before that mindset became a morbid curiosity to see just how bad it could get, which eventually turned into a dogged determination to see the damn thing through, no matter how bad it was. Needless to say, the game hasn’t aged well. Madness Returns is its mother’s daughter in many respects; a game whose artistic vision shines through technical faults, but in the end leaves you a bit disappointed in the wasted potential.

In theory, Madness Returns picks up where American Mcgee’s Alice left off: Alice Liddell has survived a house fire that killed the rest of her family. She goes insane and wanders around a twisted wonderland; meanwhile in the real world, she is catatonic in an asylum bed. After defeating the Red Queen (a manifestation of her guilt) she restores peace to Wonderland and regains enough sanity to get out of bed and do stuff, and that’s just what she does. In Madness Returns, you’ll spend some time between each chapter in the gritty, Victorian streets of the real world, where Alice lives under the care of the condescending Dr. Bumby.

That’s the plot in theory. In actuality, there’s no telling what’s  going on in this game. The story plays with reality and delusion so much that any or all of the events of either game could be completely fabricated in Alice’s mind. The dialogue doesn’t help much, as it ranges from the cryptic and pseudo-philosophical to the completely nonsensical. Of course this is all part of the charm, but it can get frustrating if you’re lo0king for something more than just a vague swipe at a story. Basically, don’t go into Madness Returns thinking you’ll leave with a clear understanding of what happened. Whether this confusion is the intention of the developer or not, it certainly fits the game’s style.

One of the game’s high points is its voice acting. The Cheshire Cat and Alice, both voice actors making a return from American Mcgee’s Alice, are particularly good. Unfortunately, like most everything about Madness Returns, there are exceptions. For example, the Cheshire Cat randomly repeats many of the things he said in the first Alice game verbatim with absolutely no context throughout the entire game. The reason for this is anyone’s guess, as the game would have only been made better with more original dialogue from the Cat, and the recycled lines only make the game look lazy. My only guess is that they had the old sound bites laying around and figured, “Why not throw these in there? It’ll make as much sense as anything else in this game.” As far as the music goes, it ranges from non-offensive to downright boring; none of it really stands out at all.

As for the gameplay, it isn’t bad. The majority of your time will be spent jumping from platform to platform, scouring the landscape for the various collectibles in the game. For the most part you’ll be collecting teeth, which are scattered across the landscape like some kind of macabre Banjo-Kazooie, and using them to upgrade your weapons.  Also scattered around the world are fragments of Alice’s broken memories, taking the form of tiny audio snippets that illuminate some of Alice’s past; as well as bottles, which serve little purpose other than to give you something else to collect.

The platforming itself is actually quite good. You’re given a very floaty triple-jump right from the get go, as well as the option to hold the jump button down to perform an actual floating maneuver.  It fits the character of Alice much better than the chunky jumping of the first game and makes her seem very graceful and light. Unfortunately, the game heavily relies on platforming to show you all of its pretty art, and while the art is quite pretty, it can get very monotonous jumping from one pretty thing to another for hours.

After you’ve jumped around for a while, you’ll come to a platform that anyone who’s played a video game ever will recognize as a “combat platform.” As you may have guessed, combat happens here. The combat is standard fare for a 3rd-person action game. You’ll be locking onto targets and attacking them with either your vorpal blade (light attack), hobby horse (heavy attack), pepper grinder (light ranged), or the teapot bomb (heavy ranged). Every enemy has a certain pattern to it, and you’ll need to learn what weapon to use against which enemy and when if you’re going to kick ass up and down in Wonderland. The camera becomes a problem at times, and it can be difficult switching targets on the fly, but it never became so much of a problem that it hindered my progress through the game.

Aside from the platforming and shooting, there are puzzles to solve and level specific mini-games to play. The puzzles are nothing too heady; some simple tile sliders and a few weight puzzles. The mini-games are a nice break from the monotony, but are pretty weak for the most part.

But you haven’t come to Madness Returns for gameplay or story. You’ve come for the art, and Madness Returns has got you covered. You’ll spend the game floating around 6 fantastic landscapes, from mushroom forests to industrial teapot steampunk factories to a warped doll graveyard (prepare for nightmare fuel), and every inch of these landscapes are jam-packed with interesting things to look at.  No one can deny that this game oozes with style and artistic creativity.

Unfortunately, the things that you actually interact with are much more monotonous than the things left in your path to oogle at. Another problem is consistency. Look in one area and you’ll see a beautifully textured piece of the landscape; look in another and you’ll see a lazy, outdated texture of lava or the floor of a pit. The poorly done visuals can be distracting, especially since they are usually right next to something that looks amazing. The graphics also suffer from glitches, screen tearing being the chief among them. Alice also has some really weird hair.

Madness Returns is a strange game to review. At its best, it’s breathtakingly creative and stylish. At its worst, it’s still only marginally worse than the average third person action game. That said, it’s definitely worth your time and money, if only to experience the best that it has to offer, and is a must play for anyone with a taste for the twisted.

The post Alice: Madness Returns – Review appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

It’s just not E3 until every opinionated nerd on the internet has had their say, and we here at WatchPlayRead are no different (except, of course, for the fact that our opinion actually matters). Here’s what our lovely staff had to say about the goings on down at the Electrophonic Edutainment Export.

Evan Burkey

• Most interesting thing you saw from the show: Playstation Vita. The sheer amount of controls could mean very original game design or gimmicky crap… time will tell
• Thing that made you weep for the future of video games: Microsoft and its obsession with pushing the Kinect. Motion controls are not the future of gaming, so stop with it already.
• Thing that made you super excited for the future of video games: The interactivity between Dust541 and EVE Online could be revolutionary. Having multiple games interact in the same universe, and as such have consequences on each other, is a revolutionary concept that gives me nerd boners galore.
• Biggest waste of money: Bringing Kobe Bryant out to fuck up 3 minutes of NBA 2K12. How much money did Sony hemmorage for that?
• Best of the show: Ubisoft freakin killed it. Take away the 5 minutes of their presentation spent on casual crap games and you have a list of top-tier AAA titles coming in the next year. Rayman, Ghost Recon, Farcry 3, Brothers In Arms, and Assassins Creed all look like must-have games.

Ryan Thomason

• Most interesting thing you saw from the show: Vita, it took me a little bit to wrap my head around it, but I think it could be a solid buy.
• Thing that made you weep for the future of video games: Miscrosoft (See Evans rant)
• Thing that made you super excited for the future of video games: I don’t even own a wii, but I want that gold wiimote for the zelda game, it just has that gold zelda cartridge for the NES thing going for me that warmed my crusted over gamer heart that barely exists anymore.
• Best of the show: http://watchplayread.com/best-of-e3-2011-ubisofts-mr-caffeines-time-machine/ THAT.

James Helsby

• Most intersting thing you saw from the show: Vita
• Thing that made you super excited for the future of video games: new StarFox!
• Thing that made you weep for the future of video games: damn microsoft, with their damn kinect stuff. yes, people are buying it. but i bet more for the price point than the games / gameplay. look up the word “stagnation” and see where we are in a year.
• Worst of the show: Wiiu, aka… Atreeeyuuuuuuuuuu. (note. It’s claim to fame, is that it is a console-less console. looks like ass. gameplay is probably pretty horrible using that controller. Console itself looks promising, graphics look really good. Damn you nintendo for “proprietary bluray formats”)

Jamie Gibson

• Most interesting thing you saw from the show: Mr Caffeine
• Thing that made you weep for the future of video games: Disneyland Kinect
• Thing that made you super excited for the future of video games: Playstation Vita/Graphical capabilities of Uncharted 3/Battlefield 3
• Best of the show: There’s not really anything I’d outright choose. I guess I was excited by Battlefield 3, AssRevs, Halo CE HD and Forza 4.
• Biggest WAT moment: The whole unveiling of the WiiU

Ryan Wilson

• Most interesting thing you saw from the show: PlayStation Vita. Hated the name at first, but by the end of the conference I loved it and was ready to throw money at it.
• Thing that made you weep for the future of video games: Every time Mr. Caffeine hopped on stage during the Ubisoft conference
• Thing that made you super excited for the future of video games: The PlayStation Vita yet again. That price and this year release date was GOLDEN!
• Worst of the show: Microsoft touts Youtube as a function, something that any console with a web browser already has access to.
• Best of the Show: Nintendo. Although Nintendo has been saying for years that they “weren’t abandoning the hardcore”, an already strong looking third party support on the Wii U finally convinced me that they weren’t just talk.
• Biggest WUT moment: Minecraft on Xbox 360 gets 5 seconds of mention, followed up by multiple minutes of kids “flying” through Disney Land

Scott Mason

• Most interesting thing you saw from the show: Wiiu and the Vita. New innovations, good or bad, intrigue me.
• Thing that made you weep for the future of video games: Kinect
• Thing that made you super excited for the future of video games: Kinect. I think the kinect is the first baby steps into the future of gaming and very much like baby steps, it will be clunky, ungraceful, and fall over a lot. I can’t say any of the kinect stuff really impressed me yet, but it gives me hope that it is gaining momentum and they aren’t about to give up on it anytime soon. The only reason I play games is because I can’t do these things in real life without some hefty repercussions. The lofty hope for me is to one day have virtual reality games. The kinect is the most rudimentary type of virtual interaction. With time and innovation, like all the hacked kinects on the internet, I’m expecting some cool stuff to appear. But in the mean time, I will patiently wait and cry while the worthless drivel keeps pouring in.

Jeff Seale

• Most interesting thing you saw from the show: NeverDead. I’m not sure if Konami’s got a real winner on their hand or the worst game ever made. Either way, it’s impossible for me to watch the trailer for it and not be intrigued.
• Thing that made you weep for the future of video games: There’s was a lot to weep over at the show this year. There was Microsoft’s fierce and desperate promotion of the Kinect, despite the fact that no one wants motion controls on their system. Not to be outdone was Sony, continuing to push 3D as the future of gaming, despite the fact that A) No one is adopting their technology into their homes and B) Sony is doing nothing to advance the technology to the point where people would consider adopting it into their homes (getting rid of glasses would be a good start). There’s plenty more, but I’ll end on the massive amount of derivative sequels and “me too” shooters. It’s getting almost as bad as the movie industry.
• Thing that made you super excited for the future of video games: Wii U. The Wii U has a good chance to make Nintendo relevant again to third party developers. Add to that the amazing first party titles that Nintendo cranks out and you’ve got a system with a lot of promise. Here’s hoping the specs and price are competitive, and they ditch the “one controller per system” idea.
• Biggest waste of money: Vita. Playstation are throwing good money after bad with this thing. Not only are they putting out a hugely gimmicky handheld (Rear touch?) to compete with the 3Ds, they’re putting it out at cut-throat prices. They’re going to lose a lot of money on this deal trying to win the war for your pocket-space that cellphone gaming has already won. Second to that is spending God knows how much to get Kobe Bryant to awkwardly (and p0orly) play a basketball game for five minutes. Nice call on that one.
• Biggest WAT moment: Need for Speed: The Run. Yeah, that’s exactly what racing games need, more running around outside the car. Kudos for trying something new, but honestly, WAT?!
• Best of the show: Rayman Origins. Bad name aside (Want to reboot your franchise? Just slap “Origins” on it.), this game looks gorgeous and fun as hell. I’m hearing it’s only going to have couch co-op, which is a bummer, but how can you stay mad at a game that looks that damn good?
• Worst of the show: Battlefield 3. This may not have been the worst thing I saw at the show, but when I think of “worst of show” it just keeps popping into my head. From the colorless, uninteresting graphics to the mind-numbingly boring tank driving this game just screams “generic crap” to me.
• Honorable mention: Awesomenauts. Check out my gushing post here. I’ve got a feeling I’m going to be playing a lot of this when it comes out.

So that’s our take on the big show. What did you think of E3? Let us know in the comments. That is, if you’re not chicken! CHICKEN!

The post WPR Discusses: E3 2011 appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

Ronimo Games, the developers of the multi-platform Swords and Soldiers, are back with a smangin’ combination that rustles my jibblies. The details are scant, but according to Ronimo, “Awesomenauts is an awesome mix between classic side-scrolling shooters like Metal Slug and Turrican as well as MOBAs like Defense of the Ancients and League of Legends.” Just name-dropping League makes me want to squee like a fangirl, but I’m also a huge fan of 2D sidescrolling shooters, especially Metal Slug and, judging from the trailer above, it looks like they’re a match made in heaven.

As if that premise wasn’t enough to make your mouth water, they’ve also said of their art direction that has been “very heavily inspired by classic cartoon series like Galaxy Rangers, Thundercats, MASK, TMNT, Starcom, etc.” and it shows from the character design to the ultra-catchy theme song in the trailer. If Awesomenauts comes correct with enough content to keep it fresh for a good long time, we could have a real hit on our hands. Even if not, I’m sure this game will eat up a good amount of my life when it comes out, and I can’t wait. Check out some screenshots and character designs below.

The post E3: Awesomenauts Combines Metal Slug and DOTA; Coming to XBLA and PSN appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

If you’ve got a hankering for some beautiful old school pixel art, a great soundtrack, and some 4-player co-op, bullet hell action, Jamestown has got you covered. Final Form Games first outing into the wide, bearded world of independent games is now on sale via Steam, Direct2Drive and Gamersgate (but you know you’re going to get it on Steam), and for a limited time it’s 10% off, hitting you in the pocket for the paltry sum of $8.99.

I’ve played a good bit of it, and so far I’m very pleased. Despite the fact that I’m horrible at shmups, there’s a lot to love about Jamestown: The powerup system is unique, flexible, and fun to use; the graphics are great; and the plot is just insane enough to be awesome (Who doesn’t want an alternate time line 1600′s where the British colonies on Mars declare independence?). The only downside to the game so far is that there is no online co-op, so I hope you know some actual people that want to get down on a shmup with you. If not, it’s still fun single player. Check it out here, here, or maybe here.

The post Bullet Heaven: Jamestown Now Available on Steam appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

Can you feel it? That creeping feeling? The feeling that you only just got over being horribly addicted to Desktop Dungeons and soon, far too soon, there will be a shiny, new version of it. Can you see it waiting just on the horizon like some kind of mean bird, eager to get it’s meaty talons into you and never let you go?

If you haven’t heard of Desktop Dungeons, some pretentious D-bag on this site wrote about it a while ago. It’s a great premise, and I can’t wait to see how much QCF Design will be able to with it as a full title. If you’re already enjoying the freeware version of the game, don’t worry; it’s not going anywhere, but if you want updates to the balance of the game, including improved dungeon generation, retooled glyphs and gods, and the metric butt-ton of content that QCF are promising (not to mention the great new look pictured above), you’ll have to shell out for the full version.

A Steam release is planned, but don’t let that scare you away from preordering. Steam is always good about hooking people up with copies of preordered games. Oh, and just in case you thought you would be safe from the clutches of Desktop Dungeons while away from your computer, iPhone and Android versions of DD are in the works as well.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

The post Full Version of Desktop Dungeons Now Available for Preorder; Looks Smangtastic appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

Two new enemies, which can be found underground (apparently more frequently at deeper levels) appear in the game now: the Dead Miner and Tim. Dead Miners fight a lot like zombies, in that they just come up and try to nudge you to death. The cool thing about them is that they wear a miner’s helmet which generates a bit of light around them. They’ve got pretty average drops; nothing special. Tim, however, is a bit more special. He’s an enchanter (how clever) and he drops a Wizard’s Hat, which is the secret item for casters alluded to in the patch notes. The Wizard’s Hat increases all magic damage by 15% and looks pretty spiffy to boot. Oh, and if you’re wondering what the sunglasses do, the answer is nothing; that is, if you consider making the sun wear sunglasses nothing, which I don’t. I consider that pretty awesome.

That’s just the tip of the iceberg, and you can read the complete patch notes here. Now get out there and get spelunking, you slackers!

The post Terraria Update Insists That You Deal With It; Brings Us Sunglasses and Other Goodies appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

Hail to the Queen, baby!

[I love wasting time. Nothing feels more free to me than knowing there are things I need to get done and completely blowing them off. In the spirit of slackers everywhere, I present Time Well Wasted, a weekly feature where I'll showcase some of the best, most interesting, or just plain strangest ways to kill time on the internet.]

The concept of Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars practically sells itself. Created by Anna Anthropy (of Mighty Jill Off fame), You play as the spider-queen as she fights to quell a slave uprising in her glorious castle on Mars. How does a lesbian spider-queen fight back against the slave hordes? With bondage, of course. Not just any bondage, mind you; She’s got crystal scepter laser bondage. Like I said, it sells itself.

The gameplay is a throwback to old adventure/maze games like Wizards of Wor, and the style is perfectly recreated. The basic premise is this: Your laser lasso points in whatever direction you’re facing. As the slaves run around the maze, you’ll need to hit them with it, then either run and collect them (and possibly the gems they drop for extra points) or stand still and reel them in. Different slaves have different abilities and will have to be dealt with in different ways. For example, the slaves holding shields must be snared either from the side or behind; however, if you let them stray long enough, they’ll drop their shield and start sprinting around the maze. It’s very twitchy and fun, but there’s also a bit of strategy involved. You’ll have to judge angles well and time snares just right once things get really hectic.

The sound in this game is outstanding. It really recreates that retro arcade feeling, from the ominous “doo-doo-doo” noises the spider-queen makes as she stalks the maze to the Sinistar-esque voice samples of the queen taunting her prey. It’s all very crunchy, but never overdone. The graphics are very flashy, reminescent of a scaled up Commodore 64 game. Every time you capture a slave the entire maze flashes for a second, which can make things extra exciting when you’re rapid-fire snaring the little buggers. You probably want to avoid this one if you have an aversion to flashing lights.

All in all this is a great time-waster and another example of how amazing Adult Swim games are becoming. You can check it out here. Do it.

The post Time Well Wasted: Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

In another shocking display of how much they hate their fans, Valve has decided that your money is not good enough for them. They’ve even gone so far as to offer you the first volume of their Portal 2 Soundtrack, entitled “Songs To Test By,” for the insulting price of free.

If you’ve played Portal 2, you’re well aware that the music consists of some top notch (some might say Tron-like) grooves, and the first volume of the official soundtrack is a great showing of that. Check it out here, if you can deign to be given free stuff from Valve… Again.

The post Get the Portal 2 Soundtrack for the Low Price of Nothing appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

Guilty Gear fans rejoice.

After Sammy Studios acquired Sega back in 2004, it left Arc System Works, the developer of the Guilty Gear series, in a difficult position. Unfortunately for Arc System Works and fans of the Guilty Gear franchise, Sammy owned the rights to the series and transferred it over to the newly formed Sega Sammy Holdings. From there, Guilty Gear was cast into legal red tape limbo.

Now, it seems that Arc System Works have finally bought back the full rights to Guilty Gear, in accordance with a promise from creator, Daisuke Ishiwatari, that a new Guilty Gear would come “eventually.” This is exciting news, especially after seeing what Arc System works has been able to do on current gen consoles with the incredible BlazBlue series. I for one can’t wait to get back behind the wheel of one of my favorite fighting game characters of all time… Faust! Anyone else hotly anticipating a new Guilty Gear?

Source: Siliconera

The post Arc System Works Owns Guilty Gear, Promises New Game “Eventually” appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

If you spend more time wandering around lost than building in Minecraft, the newest update might have just what you need. Notch has released the notes for the latest patch to his blocky opus and the big news coming out of it is maps.

The spot where you create your map will serve as a midpoint and as you walk around the world holding your map (as shown above) you’ll begin to reveal those areas of the map. Apparently your map will only cover a certain radius around where it was crafted, and will only reveal the surface (no cave maps yet), but this is still a big development in the world of Minecraft.

Kinda like this, but with more blocks.

In other not-so-big-but-still-pretty-cool news, hatches will be making their debut upon release of the new patch. Unlike doors, they will take up only one block’s worth of space and will open up. Also, they’ll keep water at bay whether they’re open or closed, so expect to see them all over the place in a Rapture recreation near you.

On top of these new additions are a ton of bug fixes, which you can read all about on Notch’s personal blog. So, what do you say? Are maps and hatches enough to get you to fire Minecraft back up, or have you heard too many nice things about a certain other multiplayer sandbox game lately?

The post Minecraft Version 1.6 is on the Horizon, Expect Maps and Hatches appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

Since Minecraft’s unexpected popularity explosion, there have been a string of indie titles hoping to catch some of that magic, and while there have been a handful of standout titles amongst them, none have been able to even remotely compete with the monolithic Minecraft.

Then came Terraria.

At the time of this writing, Terraria is the most played game on Steam, selling an estimated 50,000 copies on its first day alone. So what makes Terraria so special? The best place to start is to tell you what Terraria isn’t. Terraria is not Minecraft, plain and simple. Anyone telling you Terraria is a 2D Minecraft is either a Minecraft apologist who, for some reason, feels threatened by the potential success of another sandbox game or someone who saw a pickaxe in a screenshot and decided what he thought about the game right then and there.

Minecraft, in it’s basic premise, is a game about building the most impressive structures you can in a 3D world while surviving the occasional threat of a creeper or a zombie. It’s also a sandbox, so it’s not necessarily any of that if you don’t want it to be. Terraria is also a sandbox, but a sandbox with a very clear objective: combat. You can build things in Terraria as well, but not only is it not as impressive as its 3D counterpart, there are more interesting things you could be doing with your time; for example, you could be fighting giant eyeballs. More on that later.

When you first start your character on a randomly generated map, you’ll have pickaxe and an axe. You’ll need to scrounge for raw materials to make your shelter and to craft a set of tools. From there, you can do practically anything. You can start building a town, if you want. As you earn more money, a shopkeeper will move in, and you can sell him your spare materials and obsolete weapons and armor. As you increase your health (by finding health crystals underground), a nurse will move in who will heal you for a price. Once you find a gun, an arms dealer will show up to sell you bullets for it. You can keep expanding your little town until you have a small army of different NPC’s whose sole purpose in life is to make spelunking and monster fighting easier on you.

If you don’t feel like playing Suzy Homemaker right out of the gate, you can go exploring. There’s a lot more to find in the world of Terraria than the occasional gold or diamond vein; there’s a ton of weapons and handy items that will make your Terraria experience even better. For example, the Lucky Horseshoe, when equipped, will prevent you from taking falling damage. Pair this with the Shiny Red Balloon (which doubles your jumping height) and the Cloud in a Bottle (which allows you to perform a double jump), and you’ve got one mobile little bugger on your hands. That’s just the tip of the iceberg as far as findable and craftable items are concerned (don’t even get me started on how awesome the grappling hook is) and they’re all a blast to scrounge up and can significantly improve your character as well as customize it to your personal play style.

That’s the thing about Terraria. It’s all about convenience. All the items you have on your character stay on your character, no matter whose world you’ve jumped into. There’s even a piggy bank that functions as your own private storage. No one can see what you put in there, and any piggy bank on any server will have your stuff in it. Also, instead of dropping everything you are carrying when you die, you simply lose an amount of money depending on how much you were carrying upon your death. My favorite part: Tools, weapons, and armor don’t wear out. You make a fancy ass sword, you can keep it as long as you want. Convenience!

So what’s the point of hoarding all these health crystals and stockpiling awesome weapons and armor? To summon and kill giant eyeballs with teeth/huge sandworms/super-duper-sized, disembodied skeleton heads, of course! The combat really is top notch and is reminescent of a post-Symphony of the Night Castlevania or a 2D Metroid. There are a lot of monsters to fight, each of them exclusive to different areas of the map, and there are even occasional random events like the invasion of a goblin army or the occurrence of a blood moon to keep you on your toes. You can even build a couple of forts and go head to head against your friends, as Terraria makes organizing PVP a snap!

MUHFUGGEN VINE WHIP!

Graphically, this isn’t going to knock any socks off. Lofty concepts aside, this is an indie-ass indie game and that’s exactly what it looks like. I’ve even heard it compared to bad RPG Maker game, and while I don’t think it looks quite that bad, it’s definitely not gorgeous; however, for what it is, I think it works just fine. Honestly, if you’re complaining about graphics in a game like Terraria just save your $9.99. Spend it on graphics or something, graphics-face.

It’s important to note that Terraria isn’t finished. There are lots of changes and new additions planned for the future, so don’t get too comfy with how things are. That being said, as things stand now, the end game is a bit weak. Granted it takes a good bit of doing to get to the point where you can hold your own in the underworld for more than a few seconds, but once you get the really good stuff, plan to have some downtime away from the game until Re-Logic starts beefing up the end game in their updates. Don’t take that the wrong way; this is by all means a complete game. Expect a good 20 hours or more of Terraria-ing before you start to wonder what to do next.

Right now, Terraria offers multiplayer for up to 8 people at a time in a server. Currently the most reliable way to connect to your friends is through Hamachi, a third party virtual private network software that’s been around forever. Fortunately, Hamachi is a breeze to use and you should have no problem using it to enjoy some great, relatively lag-free multiplayer in no time flat. This is all due to change in the very near future, so it won’t be long before you won’t even have to bother with third party stuff.

Terraria is a great game and a serious contender for Minecraft’s spot as top dog of the indie sandbox games. There is no doubt where it took a lot of its cues, but Terraria has way more to offer than just being a quick diversion from your latest project making a scale model of the USS Enterprise or whatever it is you do on Minecraft.

Phew… I managed to make it through this whole review and only mentioned Minecraft eight times.

Nine times… Dammit!

The post Terraria – Review appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

The first of many updates to Re-Logic‘s new sandbox title hit today. Here are the details:

Controls

• Right clicking and holding on a crafting recipe will craft multiple of the same item to a max of the stack and/or until you run out of materials.

Items

• NEW ITEM : Sticky Bombs, Requires 5 Gel and a Bomb.
• Sand Duping bug fixed.
• Placing a bed far from the spawn no longer causes a player who has set their spawn there to crash on join.
• Mining stone and other hard ores make a ‘tink’ noise now.
• Hellstone and Obsidian now require at least a Demonite pick to gather.
• Sand no longer spawns within a certain distance of the spawn location, This should remove the chance of spawning in a desert with no wood to use.
• Hellstone now correctly takes as long to dig as meteor does.
• The clay pot item now has the correct size.

Performance

• Frame-skip is now correctly ON by default for new players.
• Increased Client Side Multiplayer stability. Should resolve many crash causes.
• Corrected a bug where players would intermittently not take falling damage.
• The world file is now saved to a temporary file that is copied over to the actual save file. This prevents world corruption when saving is interrupted.
• Fixed a bug that disabled some error handling. Overall game stability should be improved.

GUI

• The version number of the game now shows on the title screen.
• Typing numbers in chat no longer changes your selected item in your hotbar.

Server

• Servers now listen to all IP addresses on the hosting PC, regardless of how many network connections are active.
• Typing “localhost” instead of your own local IP address will connect to your own same-PC server.
• The games default port is no longer ELEET (31337) it is now 7777.
• Client will now resolve a hostname into its IP address, for example, if randomsite.org ran a server, you could type randomsite.org as the IP address and be able to connect.

The biggest news here is the addition of a new item that will probably be a big player in anyone’s PVP strategies. I’m pretty excited about the “tink” noise, too. I’m all about that “tink” noise.

Look for our official review of Terraria tomorrow! I promise!

The post Terraria Updates Ahoy! appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

And by “digs deep” I mean “takes a reactionary stance and rides that baby all the way to the bank.”

Say what you want about the illustrious team of journalists over at WBTV (based out of North Carolina, if you’d like to direct your hate in a specific direction), They at least have all the bases covered: White bread nuclear family living their lives in idyllic tranquility until the evil video games came? Check. Extremely short, out of context snippets of the video game in question? Check. Pompous news commentators displaying their signature blend of righteous indignation, “genuine” concern, and complete detachment? Check.

Honestly, I feel genuinely bad for the little girl in question. She’s just enjoying a video game, when all of a sudden some taboo topic is brought up and suddenly everyone’s fidgeting uncomfortably, turning off the game, and making her feel like a total outcast in her own family. What should be a harmless joke, easily explained as completely non-offensive if you bother to take it in the context of the game’s narrative, suddenly becomes a traumatic event in this little girl’s life, just because her adopted parents are uncomfortable with addressing the question, “What is jokes?”

The brilliant news squad over at WBTV need to stick to what they’re good at: Reporting meth lab explosions and tracking hurricanes and tornadoes as they careen through the tobacco crops and exploding meth labs.

Source: Destructoid

The post Fatty Fatty No Parents: Local News Station Digs Deep to Find That Portal 2 Hates Orphans appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

If you haven’t played Amnesia: The Dark Descent yet, here’s a quick synopsis of how you play the game: Gather up your bravado for 20 minutes, start game, walk around for 10 minutes, hear a creak in the floorboards somewhere, and weep violently in the corner for the next 45 minutes. If that sounds like your idea of a good time, you’re in luck, because as of today there’s even more to enjoy about the scariest game ever made.

Frictional Games is re-releasing their brilliantly subtle, Portal themed Potato Sack content, Justine, as well as a collection of 5 more short stories that tie up some loose ends in the main game and tell some new tales. The best part is, it’s all for the free! Now if I could just muster up the courage to finish the damn thing…

The post Amnesia Unleashes New Horrors on the World in the Form of Free DLC appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

I know Ryan W. already broke the news that Terraria would be arriving on Steam today, but it bears repeating! You can get Terraria  on Steam right now! We’ll have a review for you in the near future, but I can tell you now that, having spent a good bit of time with the game already, you’re in for a real treat.

There’s something for everyone: Minecraftian resource management and crafting, Super Metroidian 2D shooter mechanics, crazy loot, and a whole lot more.

It’s 9.99 for the time being, but that price is subject to change as the amount of content increases. That means you need to get it now! Right now!

The post Terraria is Now Available on Steam! appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

Your body is not ready.

Danger Mouse‘s newest album, Rome, will be hitting shelves later this month. He’ll be collaborating with Italian Composer, Daniele Luppi, as well as Norah Jones and Jack MF’ing White on this tribute to 60′s Italian film soundtracks (think Spaghetti Western).

As exciting as this news is, right now it pales in comparison to how cool the short interactive teaser (whipped up by Chris Milk) is. It really has to be seen to be believed. It’s got me super pumped about the album, and hopefully you’ll feel the same after experiencing it. If you want to you can even contribute to the project with a design of your own.

You can check it out right here. You should do that.

The post This Interactive Teaser for Danger Mouse’s New Album Will Blow Your Mind appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

Everyone has something they look forward to in the distant future. Some people can’t wait for jetpacks or teleportation rays; I’m looking forward to Diablo III. Today, I can whet my appetite with a teaser of some of the followers that may be accompanying my crazy witch doctor around Sanctuary.

According to the video, you can enlist the aid of one of several followers, including the obligatory female Enchantress, the crossbow-weilding Scoundrel, and the pious Templar. There appears to be a good bit of customization options for your followers, both functionally and cosmetically. You can equip your follower with a weapon, an amulet, and a pair of rings. You can also customize their skills. Pretty deep for a little bugger that follows you around pew-pewing things, huh?

The post New Diablo III Trailer Shows Off Companion System appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

Just like the friendly crack dealer down the street, the makers of Rift know that the first hit should always be free. In this spirit of “generosity,” they’ve found it in the goodness of their hearts to offer you a 7-day trial of their MMORPG.

I’ve heard mixed things about Rift since it’s debut back in March. It looks like standard fare for anyone who’s played a MMORPG: Monsters, skill trees, and cooldown timers; so if you’re looking for more of the same, but a little different, they’ve got you covered.

You can download it here and start playing now. For 7 days. Then you can’t play anymore until you pay them money. CAPITALISM, HO!

The post Rift MMORPG Offers Free 7-Day Trial appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

I’m not sure, you guys. I think it’s a game about looking at people’s faces or something.

In all seriousness, the facial animation looks pretty good. In my opinion they still slip in and out of the Uncanny Valley and the main character’s face is a bit squashed, but it’s progress.

What I didn’t see in the trailer is any clue as to how this game is going to play. I am really not looking for another open world game. Ever. The trailer is also woefully devoid of any private detectives narrating about “some doll with gams that go til next Wednesday.” How disappointing.

The post L.A. Noire Official Launch Trailer: FACES, FACES, FACES! appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

The SDK will give you the tools to make singleplayer or co-op maps, new character skins, 3D models, sound effects, and music. It’s still in beta, but that’s never stopped anyone before. Anyone who owns Portal 2 (the PC Master Race version, of course) can jump on Steam and find the kit under the “Tools” tab.

Get out there and create your mind-numbingly difficult puzzle room/anthropomorphic sex palace today!

Source: Portal 2 Website

The post Portal 2 Level Creating SDK is Released to the Unwashed Masses appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

Minecraft’s creator, Notch, is gauging interest in a possible convention (in Vegas, baby) to celebrate the official, not beta, super-serious release of his baby on 11/11/11. Today, he’s soliciting opinions from the Twitter hivemind and on his personal blog, he’s holding a poll asking, “Would you pay 90 dollars for a MinecraftCon 2011 in Las Vegas?”

As it stands right now, “No, definitely not” has a commanding lead with 24,375 votes. It’s followed by “Maybe” with 18,889 and “Yes, definitely” with 12,701. Personally, I’m on the fence as to whether I would consider attending even if money were no object (It is totally an object; I checked.). If I were in Vegas, I think the last thing on my mind would be diamond ore and creepers. Wait… Maybe I would be thinking about those things, but not in a Minecraft sense.

Either way, go vote. We might get a con that no one will go to out of it, and it’s your right as a MERRICUN PATRYUT.

The post Minecraft-Con 2011 Could be a Thing That Happens appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

Not exactly surprising, considering Microsoft did just buy the crap out of Skype for 8.5 billion, cash money. I for one am super excited for this, seeing as how I use Skype on a daily basis. I don’t even care that this puts Microsoft one step closer to being a Shadowrun-esque mega-corporation!

Thanks, @Dyganth.

The post Rumor Bomb: Skype For Xbox 360 appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

It’s the end of an era. Today marks what many will consider to be a turning point for the United States of America as well as the rest of the world. Freedom has rung it’s majestic bells and a dangerous terrorist has been brought to justice. A crowd has gathered around the White House and Ground Zero and for miles around their cheers can be heard. President Obama has delivered a speech this evening which he began with a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down. I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there, I’ll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel-air. In West Philadelphia born and raised, on the playground is where I spent most of my days. Chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool, and shooting some b-ball outside of the school when a couple of guys, they were up to no good. Started making trouble in my neighborhood. I got in one little fight and my mom got scared. She said, “You’re moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-air. I whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said “fresh” and had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say this cab was rare, but I thought, “Na, forget it, yo homes to Bel-air!” I pulled up to the house about seven or eight and I yelled to the cabby, “Yo homes, smell you later!” I looked at my kingdom I was finally there to sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-air.

The post A Concise and Poignant Statement on the Death of Osama Bin Laden appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

Coheed and who? Today is a day for celebrating all things Might be Giants! If you’ve been living under a rock for the past 30 years or so, They Might be Giants are one of the most prolific, genre-smashing, downright fun to listen to artists ever to rock a guitar and accordion.

With a humongous catalog spanning back to their earliest days in the 80′s, catching the TMBG bug is truly a life changing experience. For me, TMBG started out as “that band that did songs for that one episode of Tiny Toon Adventures.” Little did I know that after hearing Flood, arguably their most popular album and the one that Particle Man, Birdhouse in your Soul, and Istanbul (Not Constantinople) come from, I would be hooked for the rest of my life. I’m not even going to go into the giant man-crush I have on John Linnell.

I really can’t say enough good things about the band, but I can show you some videos to perhaps turn you over to the dark side. If this stuff strikes your fancy, I can’t encourage you enough to look into more They Might be Giants. You may be interested to know that they have an album coming out soon, and you can download 4 advance tracks and a neat e-booklet from Join Us right now on iTunes.

httpvh://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulsloBRDFzA

httpvh://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HvOVMxOTwqw&feature=related

httpvh://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAv6M1Bai0c

The post Today is They Might Be Giants Awareness Day. Be aware! appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

Since Portal’s release in the Orange Box bundle four years ago, it has found a place as one of the most popular and most frequently referenced games of the the last ten years. Thankfully (and not surprisingly), Valve had the good sense to shy away from the stale references that made it an internet phenomenon when they created Portal 2. They even go so far as to symbolically kill those tired old jokes the first (and last) time you meet your trusty old friend, the Weighted Companion Cube. It isn’t so much a slam against Portal and the people who enjoyed it, but a statement that Portal 2 is its own game and won’t lean on the success of its predecessor to make sales, and it has allowed Valve to once again raise the bar for video game narrative.

Of course, Portal 2 does take some cues from the original. Portal did a fantastic job of setting up the basic gameplay mechanics of using portals to solve puzzles, and Portal 2 wisely decides not to fix what isn’t broken. What it does do is take those mechanics and build a full game out of them by adding a number of very interesting elements into the mix, specifically some new members to Aperture Science’s family of ground-breaking (and potentially deadly) technologies. For example, there are now “Hard Light Bridges,” walls of light that you can walk on and redirect with your portal gun (Caution: Even though rubbing your face on the Hard Light Bridges may feel like standing in the happy sunshine, they can and will set your hair on fire). Also joining the game are tractor beams, deadly laser beams, and goop you can spread on floors and walls that allow you to run faster,  jump higher, or shoot portals onto those surfaces. Each new element is showcased to the player one at a time, making them very intuitive to adapt into the player’s puzzle-solving repertoire; however, Portal 2 doesn’t just want you to understand each of the tools. Portal 2 is the kind of game that  teaches you how to use a hammer, then demands that you use it as a squeegee. No doubt you’ll be banging your head against your walls trying to figure some of the puzzles. Suffice it to say that if puzzle games are your thing, and the puzzle aspects of Portal 2 are your main draw to the game, you will not be disappointed.

Puzzle games are not my thing. I’m bad at them. Really bad. Even so, Portal 2 never gets frustrating. The puzzles get very obtuse, and a few of them took 30 minutes or more to finally figure out, but I never got fed up and wanted to take a break. This is, in part, due to the amazing atmosphere that Portal 2 provides. Even though it takes place in the same setting as the first game, Aperture Laboratories, Portal 2 does an incredible job of blending the setting with the story so that you never get the impression you’re just in the same old place solving puzzles. In addition, the atmosphere is very alive, and is practically a character unto itself, actively changing to fit the story right before your eyes. The ruined Aperture Labs facility rebuilds itself while you make your way through it, and you can see floor and wall panels straightening themselves out, some malfunctioning and just clanging around. Through the exposed walls you can see mechanical arms performing mysterious tasks. It really goes a long way to make each part of the game stand out.

Another vast improvement on the original is the music and sound. The music is done much better  in Portal 2, and all the sounds that take place play right along with it. For example, when you’re learning how to use the bouncy goop, there’s a music track running in the background. Every time you bounce on the goop it plays a neat little noise that fits perfectly into the music track. Little touches like this help make Portal 2 such a memorable experience.

Your journey through Aperture Labs is a linear experience. You use your portal gun to navigate the ruined labs, making the task of moving from place to place a puzzle in itself, but in most all cases, there’s only one right way of getting from the beginning of the game to the end. Fans of Valve’s other titles will be familiar with this concept and realize that by knowing pretty much where the player is going to be going at all times they are able to script the story around it; however, no Valve game has done so much with this mechanic. Things are constantly happening around you as you make your way through the game, but you always feel like you’re being funneled in a straight line through the story (an appropriate feeling, seeing as though your character is in captivity for the duration of the story).

I won’t go into the specifics of the story for obvious reasons, but I will say that the voice acting and narrative is second to none. I defy you to find better writing in a video game. As far as the voice cast goes, GLaDOS  reprises her role as the ruler of all things Aperture. This time around, instead of just being evil, clinical, and uncaring, she is all those things on top of being spiteful as hell. At times she even puts AM to shame with her hatred for Chell (you). J.K. Simmons plays a smaller role than I would have thought, but a very important one as far as the story is concerned, and he plays it well. No surprises there, though. What is surprising is how completely Stephen Merchant as the lowly personality core, Wheatley, steals the show. Every piece of dialogue written for Wheatley is hilarious, and it is all hilariously delivered by Merchant. There were no shortage of laugh-out-loud moments from Wheatley, as well as some great one-liners. One of the best parts about the humor in the game is that it is not as quotable as that of the original. There’s no Portal 2 equivalent for bad cake joke lovers to latch onto.

The only negative thing I can find to say about the game is its graphics. They aren’t bad by any stretch of the imagination, but the Source engine is definitely beginning to show its age. It’s not extremely noticeable until you try and read some fine text on a white board or when you see the goop flying through the air. Like I said, not a huge deal, but I could see it bother some people. Some nit-picky people. Bad people.

Some people may also take issue with the length of the game. The single player runs about 6-7 hours, shorter if you’re some kind of puzzle genius. Personally, I don’t understand people’s obsession with game length. Game length says nothing about the quality of a game. Either Portal 2 is worth the price of admission or it’s not (just to clarify: it is).

In conclusion, Portal 2 is a rare treat. It’s the kind of game that doesn’t come around very often, so I would suggest you play it. Right now. Go on, get!

[Oh, and if you have at least one friend, be sure and stay tuned for Evan and Dennis' review of the Co-Op coming soon. I expect to hear amazing tales of their Bro-bot adventures.]

The post Portal 2 (Single Player) – Review appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

“Dear Valve, nice idea but you will not ever live it down. You shall be ranked among Activision in the evil department” This reaction to Valve’s recent Portal 2 ARG hijinx from a random twitter user is an example of how to do it very wrong. This is the same kind of thinking that leads people to boycott Left 4 Dead 2 (I use the word “boycott” loosely, because 90% of the people doing the boycotting bought the game on launch day). It also leads people to moan about hat updates in Team Fortress 2.

I hate to break it to you, but Valve doesn’t owe you anything. When a company releases free DLC for a game they released 4 YEARS AGO you don’t complain about it because it’s not what you wanted. Don’t like hats? Don’t play the game. I’m sure something else has come out in the past 4 years that you could spend your time playing.

When a group of asspained little man-children band together to complain that a first person shooter is too similar to another first person shooter released by a company that primarily makes first person shooters and that company flys the leader of this gaggle of idiots to their office to play the game, you don’t compare them to Activision, a publisher that’s known for laying people off in the hundreds.

Finally, when a company shows more support for indie titles than any other platform would even dream to, offering good games for reasonable prices, all of which have exclusive content that pertains to Portal 2 as well as offering players the opportunity to have Portal 2 in their hot little hands earlier than they normally would, you don’t act like that company has committed a crime against humanity. How dare they make you play video games! If you don’t like playing good games, just wait until Tuesday for Portal 2 to come out at its normal time. You have nothing to lose.

Valve has shown themselves time and time again as a company that cares. They care about their fans enough to continue cranking out free content for a game that by all rights should be dead and gone by now. They care about their products enough to delay a game until they’re satisfied that it’s truly the best it can be. That doesn’t give you the right to expect anything from them. The correct response to seeing a company treat their fans well when most could care less is to be grateful.

The post How not to be an entitled douchebag on the internet: Valve edition appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

What, ho!

Good evening. I presume that you are reading this in the evening, possibly with a roaring fire in your hearth, a pipeful of one of Prince Albert’s finest blends, and a content feeling in your heart in the knowledge that all is right with the world, because you are better than most everyone. If not, then you may not be refined enough to appreciate the subtle nuances of the tale in which I shall soon be weaving, but no matter. We cannot all be as refined and well preened as myself.

It may be of some small shock to many readers that I am a pigeon. The callous way in which your ilk have treated my pigeon brethren and I is inexcusable, and that is why I, Reginald Q. Pigeon, Esq. decided to take it upon myself to show you humans what civility and consideration means by engaging in polite conversation over your “chat” program, Omegle.

For those of you who may be unaware, Omegle is a service that allows two complete strangers to randomly connect with one another and converse. It is the perfect vessel, therefore, to speak with humans to improve the plight of my kind. This was my thinking in undertaking this venture. “Perhaps, if nothing else,” I thought to myself, “I can convince some of the humans to drop popcorn on the ground more often.” As you can understand this would significantly improve the quality of life for pigeons everywhere.

Following are the transcripts of my conversations with the fine individuals of Omegle:

Stranger: d
You: In the interest of full disclosure, I must tell you that I am a pigeon.
Stranger: albatross win
You: I find albatrosses to be boisterous and rude.
Stranger: but you, pigeon, have on many an occasion taken my sandwich.
You: We all do things that we’re not proud of to survive. I’m sure you understand.
Stranger: i imagine. i, on the other hand, am a chickadee.
You: Why hello there. How are things in the world of the chickadees?
Stranger: we are just breaking out in song! and bitchslapping owls. how is your flock faring?
You: The collective noun for pigeons is actually a kit or a loft, but we are fine. Thank you for asking.
Stranger: oh i must humbly ask you to forgive my bird brain. i am afraid the cardinals are on their way to create problems; i must retire early.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

So my first attempt to speak to a human had failed, but I was not daunted, and after this nice chat with a fellow avian, I felt refreshed and ready to soldier on into the unknown.

You: I am a pigeon.
Stranger: i am a slug
You: Oh my! I do not think I would enjoy being a slug.
Stranger: its not so bad
Stranger: get alot of chicks
You: I would imagine chickens would be interested in devouring you.
Stranger: nah me and the chickens settled our diffrences
You: That’s nice. I don’t care for chickens. They love to gossip so.
You: What does a slug do for fun?
Stranger: we take long walks on the beaches.. eat leafs… and have sex…
Stranger: wat about you pegions
You: I cannot speak for my pigeon brethren, but I do enjoy reading the newspaper and enjoying an nice cup of Earl Grey.
Stranger: i respect that
You: Thank you. I had no idea slugs were so polite.
Stranger: thank you and i had no idea pigeons were so dynamic
You: Well it’s been very interesting chatting with you, but I’m afraid the squirrels are anxious to use the computer.
You: They love chatroulette.
You: Goodbye, Mr. slug.

Another failure, but I trekked on, full in the knowledge that even slugs can be happy, despite their existence being woefully inadequate. I was sure that I’d be able to speak to a human this time.

Stranger: hello
You: Hello.
You: I am a pigeon.
Stranger: ooh yeah?
Stranger: can i be a french fry?
You: Are you a french fry?
Stranger: a lonely french fry lying forlorn on the ground
Stranger: with only the salt on her back
Stranger: yes
Stranger: yes i am a french fry
You: Then of course you can be a french fry.
Stranger: yay!
Stranger: you won’t eat me, will you pigeon? D=
Stranger: mr. pigeon
Stranger: sir
You: Why, of course not.
You: I’m only interested in popcorn.
Stranger: good
Stranger: popcorn is an abomination
Stranger: so you may have as much of it as you want
You: A delectable abomination, I’m sure you’ll agree.
Stranger: no
You: So I must say, you’re quite well spoken for a french fry.
Stranger: the husks get stuck in my french fry teeth
Stranger: yes
Stranger: i’m part of this new genetic program
Stranger: that makes potatoes talk
Stranger: it’s working well, as you can see
You: What is the message the sentient potatoes have for the world?
Stranger: that eventually cucumbers will give everyone cancer
Stranger: it’s coming
Stranger: watch out
Stranger: but you don’t have to worry, because you are a pigeon!
Stranger: how is that working out for you, btw?
You: Oh dear! Perhaps the pickling process can stave off the disease?
Stranger: yes, pickles are fine
You: Why I couldn’t be happier, but I wouldn’t mind it if human beings dropped more popcorn on the ground.
Stranger: i’ll try to let them know
Stranger: maybe slip it into my worldwide potato broadcast for you
You: Thank you. It has been a pleasure to make your acquaintance, my dear french fry, but now I must take my leave.
Stranger: sure!
Stranger: have a great night mr. pigeon!
You: And you as well!

A french fry? Well, I had not expected to speak with a french fry. His offer to spread the word about dropping more popcorn on the ground was an alluring one, but I daresay I do not believe him. I have never trusted french fries.

You: Hello.
Stranger: hi
You: I am a pigeon.
Stranger: asl??
You: 2/pigeon/sky
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Finally, a human! Unfortunately I seem to have offended him somehow. I would have to be more subtle if I was to convince the humans to treat pigeons with more respect.

You: Hello.
Stranger: Hi.
You: How are you this evening?
Stranger: Alright. You?
You: I’m having a very pleasant evening, thank you.
Stranger: Thank you for the initial enquiry.
You: Well, now that the introductions have commenced, what would you like to talk about?
Stranger: It doesn’t matter to me. I just want to discuss an interesting topic since I’ve had to go through multitudes of people asking for “asl,” before I could find somebody who could even arrange a sentence.
You: Indeed. There are a number of unsavory individuals on this chat service, to be sure.
Stranger: Myriads of them.
You: So, let’s get down to brass tacks, shall we?
You: I was wondering if you’d consider dropping popcorn on the ground more often.
Stranger: Pardon?
You: Well, that makes it more convenient for a pigeon, such as myself, to help himself to it.
Stranger: The way in which we conduct ourselves during this chat causes me to imagine us both with tophats and monocles.
You: I actually am donning my usual tophat and monacle. Would you care to see a photograph?
Stranger: I would love to view one.
You: My pleasure. http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_spYvpiAjPuE/Syqne-bYlPI/AAAAAAAAAFU/c63WhXPetJc/s1600-h/pigeon.jpg
Stranger: I have a photograph of myself as well. Would you be obliged to view it?
You: But of course.
Stranger: This is a color photograph of me at the convention for Urban Development. I believe I look quite sporty if I do say so myself.
Stranger: http://oi55.tinypic.com/dwupow.jpg
You: I say! What a striking visage you present!
Stranger: Okay. Enough. I’m still laughing at the pigeon.
You: Well, I didn’t come here to be a laughingstock, good sir!
Stranger: And you persist!
You: I fear I must take my leave of you, but I do wish you’d consider dropping more popcorn on the ground.
You: Farewell, good sir.
Stranger: I will consider it.
Stranger: Farewell.
You have disconnected.

And so my journey was complete. I had convinced one of the humans to drop popcorn on the ground. Who knows? Mayhaps he is dropping some on the ground as we speak! I can only hope that it doesn’t fall into the possession of one of those wretched squirrels.

My glass of brandy is nearly emptied so I’m afraid I must bid you adieu, fair readers. But fear not, for as long as there is popcorn to be had, but not at the convenient location of on the ground, my just crusade will go on.

-Reginald Q. Pigeon, Esq.

[Picture Source]

The post A Pigeon’s Journey Through Omegle appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

It’s April and I could not be more anxious to get my hands on some Portal 2 action (in 13 days, if you’re into the whole counting thing). Luckily for me, Valve has decided to poke my already-convulsing-with-anticipation brain with another teaser. This time they’re highlighting everyone’s favorite empathetic, cold-blooded killing machine, the turret.

Be sure to pause and read the fine print and diagrams when they shows up. They’re pretty funny.

The post Aperture Science brings you further investment opportunities: Turrets! appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

April Fool’s used to be a day when you’d go to your school or place of work and attempt to play mean tricks on people. Now it is used by the internet to make websites and companies look like they have a sense of humor. Thankfully, sometimes the jokes are actually funny. Here’s some of the best stuff I’ve found while searching for outright lies on the internet today:

Did you see any good ones I’ve missed? Let me know in the comments.

The post April Fools Recap! appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

Firstly, lets talk about wolves and how you can get one. You can only find wolves in a forest or taiga. If you do find a group of wolves (It seems like they’re a rare find) tread lightly. If you slip up and whack one you’ll find yourselves swarmed on by your prospective pals. Instead, chuck some bones at one (a random amount) until a heart shows up over its head and a red collar appears around its neck. Congratulations! You’re buds! Your wolf will follow you around wherever you go and attack anything you hit once. Don’t worry about getting too far ahead of him, because he’ll just teleport to you if he’s lagging behind. Keep an eye on his tail, the higher it is, the higher the wolf’s health is. If his tail starts getting too low, feed him a pork chop and he’ll perk right up.

Wolves are definitely the main attraction, but there are some other interesting things to check out in this patch, including:

So what about it, kids? Anybody planning on jumping back into the Minecrafts this weekend? Know any good servers?

[Source]

The post Wolves and cookies go live in Minecraft. What else do we need? appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

Disney returns to their roots and inexplicably makes hand-drawn animation even more gorgeous than it was back in their heyday. This clip does a great job of illustrating the subtle nuances that make this kind of animation so amazing. Pay close attention to Pooh’s reaction to stuff falling on his head and Piglet’s troll face at the very end of the clip.

This hits theaters next month, and while I don’t think I’m brave enough to go see it when it comes out, I’m definitely going to catch this when it comes out on DVD. This may be the only time I envy people with chill’uns.

The post New Winnie The Pooh serves up delicious hand-drawn animation appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

Get your synth-pop on with Contact High. It’s just one track from Architecture in Helsinki’s upcoming album, Moment Bends. I’ve loved AIH’s particular brand of quirky, poppy goodness for a while now, and the news of a new album, set for April in Australia and May in the States, makes me a happy boy. You can check out release dates and tour schedules on the band’s website.

Check them out, won’t you?

The post Architecture In Helsinki announce new album, Release awesome single appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

This is actually the second advertisement Valve has cranked out for the upcoming Portal 2, but unlike its predecessor, this one is actually funny. Both, however, have featured the dulcet tones of one J.K. Simmons, which is pretty great.

In case you missed it earlier, Amazon is still running their awesome deal on this game. Now’s the time to pick this up!

The post Aperture Science offers you a sound investment opportunity: Robots! appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

Even better than witnessing the stillborn birth of a child while simultaneously having the opportunity to see her play in the afterlife... In 3-D!

[I wasn't sure I was prepared to review this album, being that any known human language could only cheapen the majesty that is Radiohead; however, after reading Pitchfork's masterfully written review of one of their earlier albums, I feel emboldened to try my hand at expressing the inexpressible.]

I’ve never seen a baby giraffe being born. Sure I’ve seen videos, but I’ve never been close enough to feel the warmth from that loving mother giraffe’s vagina; Never practically tasted the birthing fluid as a perfect and innocent giraffe crosses the starting line into this glorious thing we call life. I have, however, heard Radiohead’s The King of Limbs, and I have to say that, all things considered, I feel I’ve come out better in the long run.

Most reviews would start at the end of the album, realizing Radiohead’s penchant for rewarding those who understand the hidden code of listening to all of their albums in reverse order to hear the secret messages, but few people know that, since their code is based upon the Fibonacci sequence, this album should be listened to by all right-thinking people in its ACTUAL ORDER. Completely nonsensical, I realize, but I will actually be reviewing this album in its actual order. Please try and maintain your composure.

I prepared to listen to Radiohead’s latest Magnum Opus in the usual way: dissolving LSD tabs in oven cleaner and using the mixture to wash down my 2-pound cheeseburger topped with Pop Rocks and Comet powder. After spinning around in circles for half an hour, foaming at the mouth, I was finally ready to listen to the album. I’m not sure whether I actually managed to play the album, but when I opened my eyes next, the half-eagle/half-Native American who stood over me told me that I had.

httpvh://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8A9bMTh9rdQ

From far across the desert I could hear distant piano. I could feel my heart pounding, and I knew that it was from the immense anticipation, because by that time I had already gone into cardiogenic shock. The Eagleman opened his beak and out flew a murder of crows. Instead of cawing, they began to circle, and from their collective tiny lungs came the sublime voice I had come to love. “Open your mouth wide,” they said, “The universe will sigh.” And so it did. “Bloom” had begun. The repetition of the drum loop felt like an angel of mercy, repeatedly stomping my skull into the earth with her immaculate Doc Martens. I loved her the more for every blow.

httpvh://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqVcKwEJ2w4

Suddenly the ground gave way underneath me and I felt myself falling hard and fast. I landed with a jolt into a giant courtroom, inhabited by a crowd of creatures I assume had once been human. They were far from that now:  grotesque caricatures of human and beast. The judge, a massive worm-man, screamed from his bench/parapet, “You’ve got some nerve coming here!” At this the beast people began to jeer. I looked out into the crowd to see them all ravenously devouring greasy hunks of unidentifiable meat and having violent sex with one another. I tried to run, but my legs had turned into snakes. My shocked expression sent the multitudes into riotous laughter, and I could see that it had caused several of them to begin choking on the gelatinous fat oozing from their meal.

“You stole it all,” continued the judge. “Give it back!” I tried to explain that I hadn’t stolen anything, but every word out of my mouth prompted new jeers and vicious mockery from the crowd. The judge continued to berate me, but I couldn’t understand him anymore. The entire scene had melted into a tornado of hate and sex and derision when suddenly all went calm and pure white. “Morning Mr. Magpie’s” bridge had kicked in. I could hear Thom Yorke’s voice guiding me far away from that awful courtroom and into a blinding light.

httpvh://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NfuXyRFMV4Y

Suddenly I was in a familiar setting. My bedroom alarm was sounding and I realized it was time to get ready for work the clock radio blared Radiohead’s “Little by Little.” I reached to turn it off, but the song continued to play. I payed it no mind. What a terrible nightmare I’d had. I got dressed as quick as I could and rushed out the door. My morning commute went much smoother than usual. I suspect that it was because everyone on the train was dead. Some of them held their morning papers in front of their face, eyes lolled upwards with a blank expression on their face. I noticed nothing strange about this. I got into my office and stepped over the splayed corpses of my co-workers. I got to my desk and began to check my email.  I settled into my humdrum job, typing the work “KILL” over and over again, when I heard the distant sound of tribal, one might even say “Feral” drums. At the sound, my coworkers sprang up like marionettes and began to engulf me. I slipped into darkness once again.

httpvh://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35GNolt-0G8

As the drums faded out, I found them replaced by the high pitched beat of a heart monitor. Apparently, my neighbors heard me thrashing furiously about my studio apartment and phoned the paramedics. As I began to regain consciousness in that hospital bed I realized that I had not heard the whole album. My eyes glazed over as the rage took hold. I screamed unintelligible curses at the doctors and nurses around me and violently ripped the tubes from my arms.

It was only after I was sedated and strapped tightly to the bed that I saw His face shining above me. Thom Yorke smiled, and all my anger subsided. I knew all was right with the cosmos.

10 out of 10

The post Pronged Farming Implement Reviews: The King of Limbs appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

Dario Montanino’s electric cover of Mega Man 3′s Proto Man theme is about as sick as it gets. You can check out more of his stuff here.

[Source]

The post Video: Man covers Proto Man’s theme, Totally rocks it appeared first on WatchPlayRead.

Namco-Bandai have decided that this amazing premise was worth a PSP game, and I totally agree with them. In the following screenshots, we can see our hero going toe-to-toe with a giant four-armed gorilla. Fearsome looking? Yes. Tasty Looking? Not so much.

Little is known about the game, except that it will support two players (probably co-op, but who knows?), and is set for release in Japan this Summer.

[Source]

The post Toriko: Gourmet Survival Screenshots Make Me Hungry Like A MAN appeared first on WatchPlayRead.