Alan Smithee

A Weird Kid’s Top 10 – Homoerotic Cartoons of the 80s

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Hey everybody, it’s time to take a trip down memory lane with me this week on the latest edition of A Weird Kid’s Top 10. Today, we’re going to be discussing exactly how homoerotic many of the cartoons in the 1980s were for the people in my generation.

You may have never noticed it, but there were tons upon tons of cartoons that we were subjected to in the 80s that always seemed a little iffy to me when it comes to the message they were trying to send us kids. For the most part these shows were all created to sell us action figures and toys, but I don’t think that many of the marketing people who said ok to these shows know just how homoerotic their shows really were.

C.O.P.S. (1988)

Starting the list off correctly is tough because you’re expecting each show to get progressively worse, but thankfully there were shows like C.O.P.S. that took Liefeld sized characters and made them somehow more suggestive with either butchy-manly mustaches, or in the case of the chief on this show, they gave him a Supermanesque hairdo.

I won’t even go into the seeming androgyny of many of the villains of the show. Just seeing the bald henchman for the show’s main villain should be enough to satiate this…seriously, they should have just named the guy EUNUCH!

THUNDARR THE BARBARIAN 1980

Take one part Hanna-Barbera, mix graciously with one part Robert E. Howard, and dash a little Scooby-Doo in the mix and you have the trainwreck that was Thundarr the Barbarian. In this show…well it doesn’t need much explaining thanks to the opening video, has Thundarr in his furry unitard traipsing around with Ookla the Mok (with his equally strong and confusing wookiee-like character) and company.

CHUCK NORRIS KARATE KOMMANDOS 1986

What can you say about this cartoon that can’t be said from just watching the youtube video. Seriously the man who hides a fist under his beard and whose kicks can split atoms had his own very cartoon that only lasted like five episodes. The most insane and perhaps confusing thing is the Super Ninja villain who wore a mask, but had a mullet at the same time. Good lord, what the hell were these people thinking.

THE CENTURIONS 1985

You take 3 guys, make them hang out on a space station in close proximity with each other, show frequent changing scenes where they would get into their Centurion suits, and add in a few mustaches and you have a perfectly good recipe for homoeroticism.

Their villains were generally bare chested robots and when they’d download the weapons to their suits, they usually involved much insertion of bulbous weaponry into various holes into their suits.

HULK HOGAN’S ROCK ‘N’ WRESTLING 1985

…Wrestling, and in the 80s, that should be enough.

SILVERHAWKS 1986

If you were a fan of the Thundercats cartoon, you should recognize the art style that made up Silverhawks, which strangely enough is one of my favorite shows from the 80s. Just off the top of my head, you have characters that are wearing metallic outfits that leave nothing to the imagination, and even during the opening song, they proudly state that they’re a “rainbow through the niiiiight”!

HE-MAN AND THE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE 1983

Pink shirt wearing and completely muscle bound Prince Adam is given fabulous secret powers that allows him to change into a fur underwear wearing super hero that’s named HE-MAN. His rogues gallery include more extremely developed muscular villains than I care to remember, and his arch-nemesis was a skull faced meat head.

THUNDERCATS 1985

See Silverhawks earlier, but instead of them being human cyborgs with burly muscles, let’s make them based on kitties. This show was not only homoerotic, but was a precursor to the furry movement we’re in now. Damn you Thundercats!

RAMBO AND THE FORCE OF FREEDOM 1986

For the love of Crom, seeing a well oiled and shirtless Sylvester Stallone cartoon each week that starts out with a close-up of his muscles flexing as he ties his boots is pretty damned crazy for a kid’s show. Take it even further by replacing his knife as a phallic symbol and how he solved so many problems with his random stabbings, and you have one messed up show.

G.I. JOE: A REAL AMERICAN HERO 1985

Ok well the series that probably started the military’s Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy needs no introduction or really any explanation as to why I believe that this show is probably the worst offender, but I can give you three off of the top of my head. There’s Shipwreck, who looks much like a character in the Village People, you’ve got openshirted Destro followed by another opern shirted gyrene Gung-Ho, and if you really need more…Sargent Slaughter in the later seasons, good Christ this show…was AWESOME!

BANANAMAN 1983

Dude, in my book, any superhero that gains his powers from deep throating a banana deserves the zero spot on my top 10. I bet there were tons of kids that wanted to be this guy growing up, I bet they couldn’t wait for him to show you his banana-powers.

Well, this concludes yet another Weird Kid’s Top 10 list. I hope you all enjoyed reading it. I know for certain that there are many of you out there that will disagree with some of my choices for this list, but keep in mind that this is in no way a definitive listing nor is it meant to be taken seriously. Its all for fun, just enjoy reading and take something away with you or leave a comment if you so wish.

If you have a particular Top 10 that you’d like to see email me, and I’d be happy to oblige. Thank you again for reading. See you again next time!

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