Alan Smithee

A Weird Kid’s Top 10 — Guilty Pleasure Movies

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Whether it be games, music, books, or movies, I’ve earned my Weird Kid moniker. With movies it was mainly because I had too much time where I was allowed to stay up late watching all the premium channels without any adult supervision. I would honestly stay up until like 4 AM watching movie after movie when I was growing up, it didn’t matter if it was a good movie, it was better than watching ANYTHING on regular TV.

Throughout those formative years, I garnered a hankering for all things B-Movie. Whether it be classic camp like Buckaroo Banzai, bad dystopian future where we fight wars with robots like in Robot Jox, or just something silly starring A-List actors like John Malkovich in Making Mr. Right, I was down for anything anywhere.

Today’s list I hope to share with you the top 10 movies that I think are guilty pleasures to watch. Maybe you don’t think that some of these are bad movies, but I’ve garnered enough shifty eyes to believe that there should be some shame in enjoying these movies as much as I have. See you at the end.

The Neverending Story

We’ve all heard the jokes about this movie, especially how can this possibly be the “Neverending Story” if the movie is only 102 minutes long?

It’s alright; I honestly don’t think I could or would change anything in this movie. Some of my favorite childhood movie watching memories come from this film. We lived in Germany when the movie hit the local theaters and it was an insane success. I especially love the scene where Atreyu (awesome band BTW) is talking to the turtle after he loses his horse in the bog, only to be rescued from the G’mork by Falcor the luck dragon.

There is so much imagery packed within this movie that makes it an instant fantasy classic and a great example of the movie magic that was available in the early 1980s. Sure, the story is pretty dumb, and the fact that little Bastian Balthazar Bux need only give the “Childlike Empress” (pedo-warning) a name to save all of Fantasia doesn’t help. Let’s not mention the fact that the villain is killed in such a retarded manner and looks horribly fake…moving right along.

Super Mario Bros.

There was sooooo much hate surrounding this movie, and understandably so…it’s unlike anything you ever see in the Super Mario Bros. games. There were certain aspects of the movie that were just lifted from the games such as the Bobomb, but that’s probably where the comparison ends.

This movie was just another example of Hollywood raping a popular game in order to get name recognition in the theaters, but what’s really great is that this movie would be awesome if it had none of the character names OR the title of Super Mario Bros.

My favorite scene in the whole movie is when Mario Mario and Luigi Mario are at a nightclub and are dancing with a real bruiser of a lady when all of a sudden the PA starts playing “Walk the Dinosaur” by Was…damn it I love that scene. Good luck having anyone else say they love this movie. I could watch the scene with the Goombas dancing in the elevator so many times, and let’s not forget Dennis Hopper as Koopa was fucking amazing!

Planet of the Apes

What can you say about this classic 1967s Sci-Fi that hasn’t been said already?

I honestly believe that this was easily Charlton Heston’s best work ever, and his deliver of such lines as “Get your hands off me, you damn dirty apes!” or his rant at the end of the flick when he discovers that he’s been on Earth the whole time. I’m sure if I would have been around at the time, I would have picked up the action figures and had one of my own Bright Eyes vs. Dr Zaius battles.

This was probably one of the first movies to get me to see the inherent dangers we humans heap upon ourselves in the name of technology, and also one of the first to get me to walk down the path that led me to atheism. These points were hammered in even further with the quite shitty Beneath the Planet of the Apes.

If I had to give a preferred scene in the movie, it would have to be the scene where Heston’s character kisses the female chimpanzee right on the lips and Cornelius gets pissed to he point of hissing…that was some hot furry lovin’ going on right there.

Starship Troopers

There is nothing wrong with this movie. Nothing at all…except the obvious departure from Robert Heinlein’s novel bearing the same name. This was one movie that felt strangely reminiscent of another movie that I had seen before that went by the name Robocop, mainly because of the interlaced commercials and sterile environments. This déjà vu was quickly remedied when I learned that the director was the same for both movies.

This movie had it all: death, destruction, Mormons, tits, tattoos, retards, electric fiddle, Gary Busey Jr., tits, Neil Patrick Harris, a vagina bug, and an awesome drill instructor that broke limbs on a whim. Hell, even Rico’s teacher was Michael Ironside! Believe it or not, this movie was nominated for an Oscar.

The most awesome part of this movie for me was the scene when they’re at basic training and they have a live-fire exercise and the one big-guy character catches a couple of rounds to the face and they show it! What added to that scene was the fact that Casper Van Dien got whipped like someone who wouldn’t accept their name was ‘Toby’. Look it up it’s from Roots you uncultured bastards.

Wing Commander

Chris Roberts, the damn creator for the Wing Commander series of video games which took up a huge chunk of my PC gaming days, couldn’t have failed harder to create a cinematic version of his games.

Personally, I really enjoyed this flick because I was already familiar with the story and the characters from playing the games. I just have to admit that it’s not a very good story. Bad guy aliens are here to kill all humans…blah blah blah…it’s up to one person to save the…blah blah blah until final scene where victory and kisses are had by all.

Now the good parts of the movie: I really really like Matthew Lillard, Tcheky Karyo, Saffron Burrows, Jürgen Prochnow, and David Warner (TRON WOOOO!). The casting for this movie is excellent. Each character portrays their role perfectly EXCEPT for the douchenozzle they picked to play the main character, Freddie Prinze Jr.

In the PC games, Christopher Blair is played by Mark Hamill which is a much better fit for the character than a whiny little bitch like Fred. Also in the PC version of the game, the Kilrathi are portrayed as these regal feline anthropomorphic characters, but in the movie they come across as these shaved gerbil people which really is too bad.

The Running Man

There are 2 movies that I can think of that contain not only one, but both movie-star-turned-politicians Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jesse “the Body” Ventura. The first one is Predator and the second one is this movie The Running Man.

While this is another movie that strays off the beaten path of the author’s original material, it is still a damn fine action movie and a real blast to watch. Arnold’s character is a stereotypical member of the military who defies an order, is made a political prisoner, and who is set up as a villain of the worst caliber.

What was great about the movie wasn’t so much the awesome one-liners that Arnold would always say after dispatching one of the baddies, but that this was made years ago and is actually hitting pretty close to home in the sense of propaganda and reality TV keeping the populace docile. Let’s not also neglect that the main villain in the movie is Richard Dawson from Family Feud fame!

The best scene in the entire movie is when the fat-assed Dynamo (same guy who played Grossburger in Stir Crazy) attempts to rape the heroine in the movie only to be electrocuted by his own weaponry.

Flash Gordon

I used to think that this movie was evil and just plain horrible until I went back and watched it twice in one weekend about a month ago. It does everything that it is supposed to do, be an homage to the original 1934 comic strip.

The opening (minus Sam J Jones being a football player) is ripped straight from the comics, and c’mon Max Von Sydow as Ming the Merciless is a classic role that the man was born for. There’s some sexiness, some violence, some campy special effects, horrible costumes, and the best part of the whole flick is that you get to watch Brian Blessed prance around in his underwear as leader of the Hawkmen.

The scene that I would watch the movie over and over again is the one where Flash and Prince Barin (Timothy Dalton) fight to the death on the Hawkman home world only to be interrupted by Ming’s adviser Klytus’s arrival. Flash decides that he’s had enough of the gold-faced Destro lookalike and gives him a shoulder charge…right onto the spiked floor of the dais that he was just fighting on, impaling the villain in multiple places. The coolest thing happens, they just don’t leave it there, they show his eyeballs and tongue popping out his head! It’s so fucking great to see, you want to cheer! It’s about 7:40 in the video above, sorry for the Spanish version…

Street Fighter

For a movie maker to get the idea to make a full-length feature based on a game that had a tenuous story to begin with is insane but has never stopped anyone in Hollywood from proceeding. Any time that you make a movie of a game, something is lost in the translation from game to big screen. Though, in the case of Street Fighter, something was gained, a degree of ridiculousness.

First off, the casting for the movie is laughable and in some cases tragic. It’s really depressing to me that Raul Julia died shortly after his portrayal of M. Bison. Let’s see, you also had Jean-Claude Van Damme playing Guile, Ming Na playing Chun-Li, and Wes Studi (who was brilliant in Mystery Men and Geronimo) as Sagat. Though I’d give the best casting to Kylie Minogue playing Cammy, man she was/is so freakin’ hot.

I remember reading every article that I could find about this movie leading up to the day it came out. I waited in line as a 14 year old game geek, dying to see one of my favorite games as a movie. There were people that were disappointed with this one, but I’d have to say that as a adolescent gamer, this movie was perfect. I especially enjoyed Zangief (my favorite character in the game) and how retarded he was.

That leads me to my favorite scene in the whole film. There is an arms deal about to go down between Sagat and Bison when a truckload of explosives is seen on the closed circuit TV headed down to the tent they’re in and Zangief says “Quick! Change the channel!” and steals the entire movie.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Tim Curry won my heart the minute I started watching this movie and he showed up on-screen as Dr. Frank-N-Furter (the sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania). Deep down, I am a drama geek and love watching musicals. Luckily for me there are plenty of musicals that are of such exceptional caliber that I can save my macho image by proclaiming how they’re ‘high art’.

You can’t say that about The Rocky Horror Picture Show, there is no art to be had here. This movie has camp written all over it. I personally think that this movie’s story sucks, but is so much fun to sing along with to and watch that one can’t help but be entranced by it.

It may seem cliché and the obvious scene to pick but I happen to love the scene from the movie where the entire cast at the party starts to do the “Time Warp”. That has to be one of the best musical numbers to ever be shown on the big screen. If you have never had the opportunity to attend a Rocky Horror movie event, do yourself a favor and go to one in your city. The audience interaction with the movie makes so memorable.

Tank Girl

Lori Petty is a goddess, especially in this movie. It’s too bad that I’d never have a chance with her. Her portrayal of Tank Girl from the British comic strip is almost perfect. It’s just too bad that the movie follows nothing that’s in the comics.

The scene where Rebecca (Tank Girl) forces the Madam of the brother Quicksilver to sing the Cole Porter song “Let’s Do It” is priceless and is probably my favorite scene besides the final battle with Malcolm McDowell. What’s even greater is the cameo by Iggy Pop in the scene preceding the one with the big musical number where he gets his hand skewered for being a pedophile.

Back in High School, I bought this movie on VHS and watched it nightly until I lost it at an ex girlfriend’s house. By that point, thankfully I could remember every line of dialogue and scene from watching it so often. The soundtrack for the movie contains so many tracks that are great to listen to (except the Ice Cube track at the end, yuck!), especially the virtually unknown Portishead’s “Roads”, which is the BGM for the scene where Lori Petty takes a dust shower, man I fucking love this movie.

Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker

Ok so this one was added for a laugh (as most my Number zeros are) but now that I think about it, had a damn fine soundtrack…it doesn’t hurt that most of the tracks are off of the album Bad that sold over 18 million copies worldwide. That’s pretty damn impressive. Sure it is mostly a collection of music videos throughout most the movie except for the tenuous narrative involving Joe Pesci’s character chasing down children to get them hooked on drugs.

The reason that this movie get’s this position on my top 10 is the horrible scene where MJ starts to change into a robot that decimates Pesci’s troops and then into a space ship to finally defeat Pesci himself. Let’s not forget that earlier in the movie he transformed into a sports car to escape to do the same thing. Luckily this movie’s saving grace is right after the car chase portion.

The best scene has to be the music video for “Smooth Criminal” where Michael dances his ass off in a 1930s nightclub and does his patented (I’m serious, it’s got its own patent number) gravity lean. That video alone warrants a viewing of this movie…or you could just watch the YouTube up there.

Well, this concludes yet another Weird Kid’s Top 10 list. I hope you all enjoyed reading it. I know for certain that there are many of you out there that will disagree with some of my choices for this list, but keep in mind that this is in no way a definitive listing nor is it meant to be taken seriously. Its all for fun, just enjoy reading and take something away with you or leave a comment if you so wish.

If you have a particular Top 10 that you’d like to see, and I’d be happy to oblige. Thank you again for reading. See you next time!

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