Ryan Thomason

A Real Mans Review of Twilight: New Moon

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pedophiles rejoice! most these guys are under 18!

With all of the recent hub-bub over the Stephanie Meyer sparkly vampire series, the new movie…titled New Moon is proving to be critic proof in the theatres, read on to find out what our newest author though of the movie he was forced to attend with his wife. –XR

First thing, don’t take what appears to be your 6 year old daughter to this movie if you are what appears to be a late 30s early 40s woman. This is not a Mommy/Daughter movie, especially at 9AM.

If your daughter doesn’t understand ANYTHING and keeps asking you “What does that mean?”, “What is that?” from which you keep shushing her, covering her mouth as you stare at the screen, and give a slight giggle at seeing a 17 year old boy take off his shirt…you are a sad, sad lady. If your 6 year old daughter has to go to the bathroom, don’t allow her to GO BY HERSELF because you can’t tear yourself away from the movie. I know you couldn’t see my death stare I was giving you because you were transfixed by the screen, but it was there, oh, was it there.

When the movie is over, and I stood in front of you looked down at you in the dim lighting as you were sitting in your chair, talking excitedly to your 6 year old that looked bored out of her mind, and say to you: “Seriously? Why did you even take her to the movie, you fail…” Don’t get that squishy face because you think you’re a good parent. I had a whole long monologue to tell you. I spent what I think was the 2nd part of the movie thinking of it. If my wife hadn’t elbowed me in the middle of my back, you would have got the full verbal jabbing I had prepared for an hour or so.

I hope you liked that look back over my shoulder I did towards you, I tried my best to scowl and give you that scornful look that your parents gave you when you knew you did something wrong.

I sure loved the look on your face…the acknowledgment that yes, you are sad and pathetic. The look that says hey, maybe I shouldn’t have taken my daughter to this movie…maybe I shouldn’t be encouraging pedophilia by screaming at a 17 year old boy to take his shirt off. That was the best part of the movie for me, and I thank you for your internal caving-in and my ruining your joyous, pitiful moment.

Oh, and the actual movie review? Movie Critic of the Deseret News (in Salt Lake City) Jeff Vice, said it best. “If you liked the books, you’ll like this movie, to everyone else, you will hate it.”

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