Jill Seale

A Pigeon’s Journey Through Omegle

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What, ho!

Good evening. I presume that you are reading this in the evening, possibly with a roaring fire in your hearth, a pipeful of one of Prince Albert’s finest blends, and a content feeling in your heart in the knowledge that all is right with the world, because you are better than most everyone. If not, then you may not be refined enough to appreciate the subtle nuances of the tale in which I shall soon be weaving, but no matter. We cannot all be as refined and well preened as myself.

It may be of some small shock to many readers that I am a pigeon. The callous way in which your ilk have treated my pigeon brethren and I is inexcusable, and that is why I, Reginald Q. Pigeon, Esq. decided to take it upon myself to show you humans what civility and consideration means by engaging in polite conversation over your “chat” program, Omegle.

For those of you who may be unaware, Omegle is a service that allows two complete strangers to randomly connect with one another and converse. It is the perfect vessel, therefore, to speak with humans to improve the plight of my kind. This was my thinking in undertaking this venture. “Perhaps, if nothing else,” I thought to myself, “I can convince some of the humans to drop popcorn on the ground more often.” As you can understand this would significantly improve the quality of life for pigeons everywhere.

Following are the transcripts of my conversations with the fine individuals of Omegle:

Stranger: d
You: In the interest of full disclosure, I must tell you that I am a pigeon.
Stranger: albatross win
You: I find albatrosses to be boisterous and rude.
Stranger: but you, pigeon, have on many an occasion taken my sandwich.
You: We all do things that we’re not proud of to survive. I’m sure you understand.
Stranger: i imagine. i, on the other hand, am a chickadee.
You: Why hello there. How are things in the world of the chickadees?
Stranger: we are just breaking out in song! and bitchslapping owls. how is your flock faring?
You: The collective noun for pigeons is actually a kit or a loft, but we are fine. Thank you for asking.
Stranger: oh i must humbly ask you to forgive my bird brain. i am afraid the cardinals are on their way to create problems; i must retire early.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

So my first attempt to speak to a human had failed, but I was not daunted, and after this nice chat with a fellow avian, I felt refreshed and ready to soldier on into the unknown.

You: I am a pigeon.
Stranger: i am a slug
You: Oh my! I do not think I would enjoy being a slug.
Stranger: its not so bad
Stranger: get alot of chicks
You: I would imagine chickens would be interested in devouring you.
Stranger: nah me and the chickens settled our diffrences
You: That’s nice. I don’t care for chickens. They love to gossip so.
You: What does a slug do for fun?
Stranger: we take long walks on the beaches.. eat leafs… and have sex…
Stranger: wat about you pegions
You: I cannot speak for my pigeon brethren, but I do enjoy reading the newspaper and enjoying an nice cup of Earl Grey.
Stranger: i respect that
You: Thank you. I had no idea slugs were so polite.
Stranger: thank you and i had no idea pigeons were so dynamic
You: Well it’s been very interesting chatting with you, but I’m afraid the squirrels are anxious to use the computer.
You: They love chatroulette.
You: Goodbye, Mr. slug.

Another failure, but I trekked on, full in the knowledge that even slugs can be happy, despite their existence being woefully inadequate. I was sure that I’d be able to speak to a human this time.

Stranger: hello
You: Hello.
You: I am a pigeon.
Stranger: ooh yeah?
Stranger: can i be a french fry?
You: Are you a french fry?
Stranger: a lonely french fry lying forlorn on the ground
Stranger: with only the salt on her back
Stranger: yes
Stranger: yes i am a french fry
You: Then of course you can be a french fry.
Stranger: yay!
Stranger: you won’t eat me, will you pigeon? D=
Stranger: mr. pigeon
Stranger: sir
You: Why, of course not.
You: I’m only interested in popcorn.
Stranger: good
Stranger: popcorn is an abomination
Stranger: so you may have as much of it as you want
You: A delectable abomination, I’m sure you’ll agree.
Stranger: no
You: So I must say, you’re quite well spoken for a french fry.
Stranger: the husks get stuck in my french fry teeth
Stranger: yes
Stranger: i’m part of this new genetic program
Stranger: that makes potatoes talk
Stranger: it’s working well, as you can see
You: What is the message the sentient potatoes have for the world?
Stranger: that eventually cucumbers will give everyone cancer
Stranger: it’s coming
Stranger: watch out
Stranger: but you don’t have to worry, because you are a pigeon!
Stranger: how is that working out for you, btw?
You: Oh dear! Perhaps the pickling process can stave off the disease?
Stranger: yes, pickles are fine
You: Why I couldn’t be happier, but I wouldn’t mind it if human beings dropped more popcorn on the ground.
Stranger: i’ll try to let them know
Stranger: maybe slip it into my worldwide potato broadcast for you
You: Thank you. It has been a pleasure to make your acquaintance, my dear french fry, but now I must take my leave.
Stranger: sure!
Stranger: have a great night mr. pigeon!
You: And you as well!

A french fry? Well, I had not expected to speak with a french fry. His offer to spread the word about dropping more popcorn on the ground was an alluring one, but I daresay I do not believe him. I have never trusted french fries.

You: Hello.
Stranger: hi
You: I am a pigeon.
Stranger: asl??
You: 2/pigeon/sky
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Finally, a human! Unfortunately I seem to have offended him somehow. I would have to be more subtle if I was to convince the humans to treat pigeons with more respect.

You: Hello.
Stranger: Hi.
You: How are you this evening?
Stranger: Alright. You?
You: I’m having a very pleasant evening, thank you.
Stranger: Thank you for the initial enquiry.
You: Well, now that the introductions have commenced, what would you like to talk about?
Stranger: It doesn’t matter to me. I just want to discuss an interesting topic since I’ve had to go through multitudes of people asking for “asl,” before I could find somebody who could even arrange a sentence.
You: Indeed. There are a number of unsavory individuals on this chat service, to be sure.
Stranger: Myriads of them.
You: So, let’s get down to brass tacks, shall we?
You: I was wondering if you’d consider dropping popcorn on the ground more often.
Stranger: Pardon?
You: Well, that makes it more convenient for a pigeon, such as myself, to help himself to it.
Stranger: The way in which we conduct ourselves during this chat causes me to imagine us both with tophats and monocles.
You: I actually am donning my usual tophat and monacle. Would you care to see a photograph?
Stranger: I would love to view one.
You: My pleasure. http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_spYvpiAjPuE/Syqne-bYlPI/AAAAAAAAAFU/c63WhXPetJc/s1600-h/pigeon.jpg
Stranger: I have a photograph of myself as well. Would you be obliged to view it?
You: But of course.
Stranger: This is a color photograph of me at the convention for Urban Development. I believe I look quite sporty if I do say so myself.
Stranger: http://oi55.tinypic.com/dwupow.jpg
You: I say! What a striking visage you present!
Stranger: Okay. Enough. I’m still laughing at the pigeon.
You: Well, I didn’t come here to be a laughingstock, good sir!
Stranger: And you persist!
You: I fear I must take my leave of you, but I do wish you’d consider dropping more popcorn on the ground.
You: Farewell, good sir.
Stranger: I will consider it.
Stranger: Farewell.
You have disconnected.

And so my journey was complete. I had convinced one of the humans to drop popcorn on the ground. Who knows? Mayhaps he is dropping some on the ground as we speak! I can only hope that it doesn’t fall into the possession of one of those wretched squirrels.

My glass of brandy is nearly emptied so I’m afraid I must bid you adieu, fair readers. But fear not, for as long as there is popcorn to be had, but not at the convenient location of on the ground, my just crusade will go on.

-Reginald Q. Pigeon, Esq.

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